


Bathroom Sessions

by literallynoidea



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes-centric, Darcy Lewis-centric, Eating Disorders, F/M, I'm so sorry, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, WinterShock - Freeform, age of ultron and the dookie i took are identical twins, i'm still figuring this out, more tags to be added eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2018-04-21 09:54:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 78,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4824476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literallynoidea/pseuds/literallynoidea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are going pretty okay for Darcy. Until Steve finally brings Bucky home, and she figures out that they actually have something in common:</p>
<p>Their complicated relationship with food.</p>
<p>Oh boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm figuring this out. Feel free to help me out. Kindly please.
> 
> Chapter warnings: 
> 
> vomiting, discussion of eating disorders

The whole ending up living at Avengers tower thing came out of nowhere, but so did Thor, and Aliens, and SHIELDRA, so…Darcy wasn’t as surprised as she could have been.

 

Two men in black and, a StarkPad with a video chat open, and Pepper Potts on the screen was more than enough Darcy needed to leave London. Plus, Jane’s boo was staying there currently on ‘Avengers business’, so it all worked out.

 

The first few weeks there were phenomenal. She had her own room and apartment nearly bigger than, well…everything. Jane was taken with Thor for the time being so her intern- but not really anymore, since she’d graduated a while ago-duties were temporarily on hold…until Jane took one look at Tony’s state of the art labs…

 

The Twinsassins, as Tony called them which she easily adopted, shared a bit more of a bond with Coulson, may he rest in peace, and that’s how they managed to find common ground and work from there.

 

On nights she couldn’t sleep, Bruce would usually be up and they’d share some of his tea collection.

 

If she felt like being Smart!Darcy and not Tagalong!Darcy, she’d send Tony a message and they’d go back and forth on robotics and theory and music, and he even let her into his lab for opinions.

 

Thor was always willing to tell her stories and they were able to talk like the old friends they were truly becoming…when he and Jane weren’t having their months long sexathon.

 

JARVIS was literally the coolest person ever. It felt weird calling him a computer. He was definitely sentient, so…

 

Steve was…not there. They didn’t speak much of his absence but she was pretty sure he was having a time of self-reflection while desperately searching for his lost best friend.

 

She and Jane had poured over the files that had been released and while many of them were incomplete, they were easily able to put two and two together. Poor Bucky.

 

All in all, life at the tower was great. She integrated well with Earth’s mightiest heroes. She was living rent free in the coolest building in the world. She hadn’t a food incident in over a year. She felt 100 percent.

 

And then Steve came back, Sam Wilson (so hot, holy crap), and a very traumatized Sergeant Barnes in tow.

 

Maria Hill made an appearance on their floor and he was whisked away, Steve, Sam, Bruce, Tony, and Natasha with him.

 

Darcy had hardly caught a glimpse of him and she didn’t see him again for another two weeks. She occupied her time with everyone else. Jane got back to Science!, Sam Wilson was an absolute treasure to be around, she and JARVIS monitored various Avengers themed blogs…

 

She still didn’t get formally introduced to Steve but she figured he was pretty busy at the moment.

 

Life was still relatively simple and easy going.

 

Until the first team dinner, Bucky included.

 

He was incredibly withdrawn, sticking close to Steve but not touching him. He sat sandwiched beside Steve and Sam, eyes staring blankly ahead of him. He didn’t respond to anyone and didn’t seem to follow any of the conversation, or perhaps he was, but knew how to make it seem like he wasn’t.

 

Darcy was swept up in the American Beauty that was Steve Rogers for a few moments while they were introduced, but then she was drawn to Bucky again.

 

He cleared his plate in record time, setting his silverware down gently and returning to staring blankly ahead, but this time, his back was even straighter. He swallowed thickly every few minutes but other than that, he made no other moves that relayed any discomfort. She watched, trying her best not to be obvious. After a few moments of sitting stiffly, he excused himself. Or more likely, up and left.

 

Steve went to follow him but Sam shook his head.

 

“He’s been doing alright, man, as alright as he could be anyway. Give him a bit of space.”

 

“JARVIS can see him anyway,” Tony said with a shrug.

 

Darcy absentmindedly kept up with the conversation and continued eating her food.

 

He did it again the next dinner, but a different time.

 

And again.

 

And again.

 

The pattern was similar enough, and….familiar enough to Darcy that her heart sank deeper and deeper, and as she looked around the table at her friends, it seemed that this specific issue was something only she had a bit more insight on. For once, she was seeing something they weren’t.

 

Oh, poop, she thought.

 

~

 

 

Around the seventh time, Darcy put almost all of her focus on him. She watched the way he cleared his plate, quickly and methodically, like he wasn’t tasting anything or enjoying it either. He then sat stiffly in his seat, hands clenched on his thighs while he stared ahead. None of the others tried to include him in their conversation this time, as per Steve’s earlier request. This was a bit of a bad day.

 

He looked intensely focused, and every few minutes, he clenched his fists tighter. This time, the group was more aware of his discomfort but Darcy was as sure as her bra size that they still had no idea what exactly it was.

 

After a few more minutes he got up and left without a word.

 

Oh boy.

 

There was still a chance she was wrong but Darcy’d learned pretty young to trust her gut. When she was 8, she’d begged her mother to take her to the ice cream shop and the woman refused, saying her gut told her not too. Later that day, they saw on the news that a gas leak had caused the old place to explode, nearly killing everyone inside. Another time, she wanted to go out with some friends to a party, and again, was denied, and later heard that some angry ex boyfriend tried to open fire on the crowd. When she was in college, her friends passed a bowl around and she passed on it, because her gut said so.

 

The weed was bad and they all got sick.

 

Maybe not as intense as her last 2 examples, but her gut had still saved her nonetheless.

 

So she trusted it, and a few minutes later, feigned tiredness and left the table.

 

“JARVIS, where’s Bucky?” she asked, once she was hopefully far enough away to avoid being heard.

 

“Sergeant Barnes is in the bathroom in his room, Miss Lewis,” he replied in a softer volume than normal.

 

Ah, just as she suspected.

 

#Guts.

 

And of course, JARVIS picked up on her…secrety movements.

 

“Can you take me to his floor, please?”

 

“As you wish, though I must warn you that I’ve been muted in his room, per his request.”

 

“Yea, I figured as much. I think I’ll be alright. Thanks for the heads up, Jarv.”

 

“Certainly.”

 

She arrived on Steve and Bucky’s floor and stopped before his room door.

 

“I’ll holla if anything, JARV. And can you send me an alert if anyone comes this way please,” she mumbled, before knocking and walking in. The door to his bathroom was shut, and she took a quick glance around the room. It was nearly barren and impeccably clean, like no one lived there at all. She frowned before heading to the bathroom door and knocking softly.

 

“Hey, Bucky? It’s me, Darcy, the glasses girl. Mind if I come in?”

 

No answer.

 

This was one of the moments she wished he was more verbal because she wanted his complete consent to invade any privacy that he was still getting used too. Right before she knocked again, Bucky opened the door and stared down at her, blue eyes piercing.

 

She blinked, forcing herself not to take a step back.

 

Dude was really intense.

 

“Hey…” Darcy said with an awkward wave, “Mind if I sit on the edge of your tub?”

 

He looked a bit confused at that, but stepped aside anyway. She scooted past him and did just as she said, making herself comfortable on the marble ledge. Bucky stared at her while she tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling above her. He peered outside into his room before cautiously shutting the door behind him.

 

There was a tense quiet that she’d been getting used too, always when Bucky was involved. Darcy knew there was a way this topic was properly approached but damn if she knew how to do it. She wasn’t all knowing like Sam Wilson, but there was no way to ask him about it without seeming suspicious herself, and she had a feeling that she and Bucky both shared the desire for secrecy.

 

Darcy was a really great secret keeper. Like, top tier.

 

So once again, she went with her gut.

 

“You’ll totally feel better if you just throw up and get it over with.”

 

Holy crap. She had a moment of split second panic as the silence persisted, and she forced herself to lean forward to meet his eyes.

 

Just keep going, she thought.

 

“I mean, your stomach at least. Your noggin though,” she rapped her head with her knuckles softly, “not so much. But you know that already, don’t you?”

 

Bucky stared at her for a moment longer before walking to the toilet, slamming the lid back, dropping to his knees, and vomiting in one smooth motion. Darcy whistled lowly, walking over.

 

“I’m gonna rub your back. Is that okay? It’s…more comforting than you’d think.”

 

He didn’t answer, and Darcy hesitated, once again deciding to go wit her gut. She gently rubbed his back as he retched again. His hair fell further forward and she grabbed an elastic from her wrist, pulling his hair back and securing it.

 

“Lemme clarify a bit,” she mumbled, during a lull in his upchuck extravaganza, “the puking part still sucks while it happens, so give it a bit more time to feel a bit better.”

 

He shuddered under her hands, gagging and spitting more, and then scooting away from the toilet.

 

Done then, she hoped.

 

Darcy walked around, flushing the toilet and closing the lid before returning to her spot on the edge of the tub.

 

Bucky shifted so her was facing Darcy again, balancing on the balls of his feet, hands hanging limp against his knees.

 

“How’s that tummy?” she asked, breaking the silence.

 

He blinked.

 

“Yuuuup. I’m gonna get you something real quick. Do you mind waiting?”

 

He sat down in reply and she gave him a thumbs up as she walked out.

 

“JARV, does Steve keep any ginger ale up here?”

 

“In the refrigerator, Miss Lewis. If this is indeed for Sergeant Barnes, I recommend giving him in unopened can. His body language seems to suggest her prefers it.”

 

“Always have my back, huh JARV?”

 

“Most certainly, Miss Lewis. I’d also suggest plain crackers, located on the third shelf in the pantry.”

 

“Did Tony teach you to read minds too?”

 

“I learned it as a hobby,” he responded dryly. She snickered softly, grabbing two cans and a packet of crackers, balancing them carefully and heading back into the bathroom.

 

Bucky was unmoved, and he eyed the things in her hand with suspicion.

 

“Okay, so JARVIS told me you prefer things unopened. Ginger ale and crackers are like, Oscars and Meryl Streep for like, nausea and stuff. At least for me and…most people. Hopefully it works for super soldiers too."

 

She placed a can near him, sitting across. “Criss cross appleasauce,” she mumbled to herself as she settled down.

 

Bucky didn’t open his drink until she did hers.

 

“Want some crackers?” she held a few out and he stared at her and them for another moment, taking them and munching slowly.

 

“Soooo…you wanna tell me what’s up? With the whole, ‘bwuaahh’ thing?” she asked, mimicking retching noises.

 

He stared at her unblinkingly.

 

“Hm,” she said in response, chewing as she thought. “Well, I have a few issues in my head too. Sometimes I, um, make myself throw up. Been doing it since I was a kid. It’s…a mind thing. It’s all kind of jumbled up in here. I’m a lot better though. Was that a thing, way back when?”

 

He cocked his head to the side.

 

She started rambling nervously, because this was a thing so very few people new, as in, just her mom, who would check in often, more often than usual because, you know, her daughter was chillin with billionaires and Gods and dealing with aliens and the government was literally hacked by Hydra and…she breathed deeply, in, and out. In, and out.

 

Her phone vibrated and she grabbed it, checking if someone was on their way. Instead was a text from Jane, asking where she was. Yea…her palms were sweaty enough to make the phone slippery, and it was probably time to make a quick exit.

 

_Be there in a few – D_

“Keep it a secret for me, alright? And feel free to like, tell me whatever, whenever.”

 

She chugged the rest of her drink and crushed it, tossing the rest of the crackers Bucky’s way. He caught the package easily, and watched her as she rushed out.

 

Why the hell did I tell him that, she wondered, (panicked, really) to herself as she left (fled) Steve and Bucky’s apartment.

 

Inside the bathroom. Bucky stared down at the crackers in his flesh hand, looking between them and the open bathroom door.

 

~

 

That night, after tossing and turning restlessly in bed, she gave up and opened her laptop, letting Star Trek take the reigns. She got up to the part where Spock and Kirk were confessing their undying love to each other when JARVIS interrupted the feed.

 

“Miss Lewis, Sergeant Barnes is in the elevator headed towards your floor.

 

 What!?

 

She slammed her laptop shut, jumping out of bed and throwing on a pair of sleep pants before running towards the elevator and slipping on the wooden floorboards just as the elevator dinged. Darcy hardly regained her balance as the doors opened, revealing Bucky in a cotton long sleeve and sleep pants, hair still done up in the hasty bun she pulled it into earlier.

 

He stalked out of the elevator as the doors closed, and his eyes seemed to glow in the dim lighting of her apartment.

 

“Uhhh…” she said eloquently.

 

“I don’t like the way food feels in my stomach. It feels like it don’t belong. So I throw it up,” he confessed emotionlessly.

 

Her eyes widened even further, glasses falling low on her nose.

 

Holy.

 

Crap. 

 

#Guts.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> knuckifyoubucky.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your interest in this fic! And the lovely comments. :))) <3
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter Warnings:
> 
> vomiting, references to eating disorders

Darcy stared at Bucky wide-eyed, because no matter what she’d been thinking when she’d been in the bathroom with him earlier, this was so far beyond.

 

“Wow, um, okay. Uh…yea, okay,” she took a moment to catch her breath, “Let’s uh come to my room. It’s more…we can…let’s chat there?”

 

Bucky stood still, but when she started to walk to her room, he followed. Except her room was a mess!

 

“Yikes! Dude gimme like 30 seconds!” she shrieked, diving into her room and slamming the door shut behind her.

 

She kicked piles of clothes under her bed, tossed as many shoes as possible into her closet, made sure any and all sex toys where LOCKED AWAY, before reopening the door.

 

Bucky was tugging at his shirt manically. “One minute and 52 seconds have passed.”

 

Darcy frowned, observing carefully before responding, “Sorry. I should’ve told you it might be a little longer.”

 

She needed to be more careful. He slowly relaxed himself, nodding as if confirming something, and followed Darcy further inside. She shut the door behind her.

 

“Make yourself comfortable,” she mumbled, climbing onto her bed and showing her laptop under her pillow. She grabbed her stuffed pokemon—a Luxray—as she settled down.

 

He took in the room around him, counting exits and possible weapons. “I am…comfortable?” he ended it as a question.

 

Darcy felt her stomach roll. “Do you…do you remember what comfortable is?” she asked softly, and he frowned. “Forget I said that, it’s okay, whoosh, poof, gone.”

 

He blinked.

 

“Sit anywhere you like,” she tried again, and he looked around, beginning to tug at his shirt again, “Orrrr you could sit on the bed with me.”

 

Bucky stared deeply at her and maybe he was okay with what he saw because he moved to join her. He sat himself across from her, mimicking her position. She tossed him a stuffed rabbit which he caught automatically. He turned it around in his hands, perhaps looking to see if there was anything dangerous.

 

She watched him for a few seconds before interrupting, “I’ve had him since I was a kid.

 

He immediately put it down.

 

“No, hey it’s cool. I wouldn’t let you hold him if I didn’t want you too,” Darcy answered, trying to keep him calm.

 

Bucky pointed to his metal arm with a deadpan stare.

 

“So?” she shrugged, continuing with her story. “My mom said it was from my dad, trying to make me feel better about him being a total dick and bailing on us a few years back, but the receipt fell and I saw it. I let her believe that I thought it was really from that asshole for a while until I finally said I didn’t need anything from him. She was more than enough. Super touching moment, few tears shed, yadda yadda.”

 

He carefully picked it back up, his left hand rubbing the ears.

 

“Well, that’s enough of that. What you said to me earlier, about not liking the way food feels…what did you mean by that?”

 

He kept his eyes on the rabbit while he tried to work through his thoughts. “I’m not used to feeling full.”

 

Darcy swallowed thickly. “Did…did they not feed you?”

 

“They stuck a tube down my throat and poured some white sludge in there. I only ate food that needed to be chewed for various missions where I was undercover. But I was never full.”

 

He touched his mouth afterwards, as if he were surprised so much came out of it.

 

Darcy tried to work through what he was saying. The leaked files on him were incomplete. Nothing about his diet was mentioned. How did none of them think about that…well…none of them but her knew he was constantly vomiting up his food so, there was that.

 

“So…you were always…kind of hungry? That’s how it worked?”

 

“The Solider operates at full capacity with less in its stomach. Vomiting after wipes and cryo are common misshapes to be avoided. Vomiting after missions are also to be avoided. It moves faster and is more aware with a halved diet. It also must know its place. To be full is to be comfortable. That is not allowed,” he recited blankly.

 

That explained his confusion at her asking to make himself comfortable. He didn’t…he truly didn’t know or remember.

 

“Dude, if I could meet one of those guys who did that to you…I would punch them in the face.”

 

He blinked, eyes coming back to life from that dead-eyed stare.

 

“Food isn’t supposed to be a privilege.  It’s a necessity. It’s not supposed to be used as like, a punishment, or to control you. Am I the first person to tell you this, since you…got back?”

 

“Yes,” he answered simply, looking back down at the rabbit.

 

“Well, we’ve gotta figure this out, okay? I can try to help.”

 

He shrugged.

 

“Let’s make a game plan then.” She hopped off her bed, grabbing her StarkPad. “I guess part of this is like, psychological, which totally makes sense,” she said, getting back on the bed and sitting next to him. “And like, part of this is because your stomach’s not used to large amounts of solid food. You’ve been mostly on a poor liquid diet it throws you out of whack, hence why your tummy gets the grumblies and you upchuck it all over the place. Make sense?”

 

She looked up and startled at how close her face was to his. She’d moved closer and closer as she went on her little ramble and clearly he’d noticed, if his wide eyes were anything to go by.

 

“Uhh, sorry,” she said, moving back.

 

He blinked.

 

“Okay, so, while this sucks, because you deserve to enjoy the mouth watering, basically orgasmic solid food that is provided at the Tower, maybe we should try to start off with simpler things, like, soups and stuff. Or maybe more. Did you throw up after you ate the crackers?”

 

“No.”

 

“Great, so…soups, crackers, oh, rice would be good, we can do all sorts of things with rice, so even if your diet is restricted, you still get to enjoy what you’re eating.”

 

She looked him in the eye. “You have the right to enjoy what you eat.”

 

He blinked before nodding, like he wasn’t sure he believed it.

 

“We’ll work on that too,” she mumbled, adding that to her notes.

 

“Now, uh, if you throw up again, or feel like you need to throw up again, you can call me. I didn’t mind sitting with you earlier. I can do it again. And if I, um, relapse, then I’ll tell you, so it’s even. Sound cool?”

 

He nodded, placing her bunny down so he could clench his fists.

 

“Okay, so, that was a lot. Let’s take a break, yea? I’m gonna make us a cup of tea. Tea is great after a hell of a chat.”

 

He grabbed the rabbit and followed her out. JARVIS, the saint that he was, already had the electronic kettle filled with water and boiling. Darcy grabbed two MCR mugs—it had been a crap fest when they broke up, and she’d literally shed real bitch tears—setting them on the counter.

 

“Okay, so, do you want to see the flavors or do you want me to pick?”

 

He shrugged. Perhaps he’d exhausted himself, speech-wise.

 

“Alright, then I’m having Apple Cinnamon. We can both have that then,” she said, putting the tea bags in.

 

The kettle flashed and she poured water in both, adding a spoonful of sugar in each and bringing handing one to Bucky. He set her rabbit down and accepted the mug, watching her take a sip before doing the same. She sighed softly as the tea warmed her up, leaning against the counter.

 

“JARVIS, what time is it?”

 

“5:15, Miss Lewis.”

 

“Oh, yikes. You should probably head back. Steve gets up at 5:30 for his runs, which I’m sure you know, and from what I’ve seen, he looks like the type to take a peak in your room to see how you’re doing and it might be like, mild panic if he sees you’re not even on the floor.”

 

He blinked at her, taking another sip before relinquishing the mug.

 

“Keep it dude, finish your tea, let it soothe you or whatever. We literally live in the same building. I’ll get it back later.”

 

He nodded, and just like that, left as suddenly as he came. As soon as the elevator doors shut, Darcy sagged against the counter, placing her cup down so she didn’t spill anything, and breathed deeply. Something dark shifted inside of her, and she glanced at her mug before dumping its contents, heading back to her room numbly.

 

She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

 

~

 

Bucky turned the mug over in his hands, looking at the design. What was a My Chemical Romance? Just as she had assumed, Darcy, just as Darcy had assumed, the Missi— _Steve_ , his name was Steve, he was not the mission anymore, he was his friend? Protector? Friend?????—Steve had come in at exactly 5:45 to peek in and see if he was alright, or awake, or perhaps there at all.

 

If Bucky awoke, or was awake, he would invite him to run with him and Sam Wilson. Bucky woke up every time Steve knocked and opened his room door. Most times he would pretend to still be asleep because it was easier saying no to running if he didn’t want too.

 

It was strange to say no. It was strange to want and not want.

 

Now it was seven in the morning, and whoever was still here and not on a mission would be on the Common Floor, getting ready to make and eat breakfast. He liked to head there early so he could watch everything be made. His stomach churned at the thought of all the food. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, oatmeal, French toast, hash browns…these are all things he was newly, no, not newly, sometimes he takes a bite and remembers a woman smiling tiredly at him and younger children around an old table, though the quantity of food much, much less, so not newly, recently was perhaps a better term, made to eat, almost all of it piled on his plate, and he would sit and hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt until he excused himself and made it all go away.

 

He thought to Darcy’s “game plan”. He would still have to eat it. Because if he didn’t eat it, Steve and Sam and everyone would notice and watch him and ask why. Bucky didn’t want them to now that he wasn’t eating right. Bucky didn’t want any extra concern.

 

He got out of his bed and carefully placed the mug down on his empty bookshelf, flesh hand rubbing softly at the band in his hair that Darcy had also given to him. He took a deep breath. All he had to do was eat it and wait, then throw up. He’d managed to do it every day so far. He could do it again. As he walked to the floor, he took the hair band out of his hair and wrapped it around his flesh wrist.

 

He didn’t meet anyone until he arrived at the Common Floor kitchen. Steve, Sam, and Bruce were all in the kitchen working on various foods. Bucky clenched his fist behind his back at not arriving early enough to see everything get started.

 

“Good morning Buck,” said Steve, turning to him with a small smile. Bucky nodded in response, taking a seat on a stool at the large island.  Bruce sent a small nod his way and Bucky averted his eyes.

 

“Hey man, sleep well?” Sam asked, walking over.

 

Bucky didn’t sleep at all. If he said so, there would be concern. If he said yes, that would be an outright lie and he would spend the entire day stressing about it. If he shrugged, that could be interpreted as a yes or a no or a not well, and there would still be concern. He chose not to answer, stealing his face into the dead-eyed stare that was easiest for him to fall back on, and they were used to that look.

 

Sam didn’t look bothered, smiling. “It be like that sometimes, I get it.”

 

He spent nearly the remainder of the group fixing breakfast completely dreading it, but never showing it. Slowly, whoever was in the Tower residences made themselves known.

 

“Coffee coffee coffee,” Tony muttered, covered in grease stains. He headed straight for the coffee maker, grabbing a mug and chugging.

 

“Tony, you’ll burn yourself,” Bruce said with a frown as Tony winced.

 

“I know Brucey bear, but it’s worth it. What’s a little pain with my pleasure,” he answered with a wink, and Bruce fought down a smirk, sipping at his tea.

 

Clint wandered in with a yawn. “Tasha’s out. She should be back soon though. It’s a short one.” He grabbed a piece of bacon, snorting when Steve slapped his hand.

 

“Thor and the Lady Jane will not be joining you this morning,” JARVIS spoke suddenly, and Bucky fought his flinch.

 

Tony and Clint let out low whistles.

 

Bucky ignored the way everyone’s eyes would glance his way every so often. He was used to being watched. They all started grabbing plates, picking out what they wanted and Bucky allowed himself to zone out, waiting for a plate filled to the brim to be placed before him as always. He heard the clank of the glass hitting the marble tabletop, steeled himself, and looked down…only to see a bowl of oatmeal. He looked up, confused, and met Darcy’s eyes. She winked at him, grabbing her own bowl and settled a few seats down.

 

Steve looked his way then, spotting the bowl. “Just oatmeal today, Buck?”

 

Bucky nodded, and Steve went back to dishing out food for everyone else. He let out a deep breath.

 

Was this relief?

 

~

 

Darcy gave herself a pat on the back. Nobody batted an eye when she grabbed a bowl and loaded it with oatmeal, placing it before Bucky. They were all focused on themselves. He’d looked so resigned, sitting there with his eyes closed, waiting. It was a blessing that Steve left it alone. She was sure Sam was helping him deal with it all and learn to help Bucky make his own choices. Steve loved Bucky and meant well, and if Bucky didn’t want you to know something, he truly knew how to keep it hidden. She couldn’t blame Steve and the others for not noticing.

 

She helped herself to her own bowl and dug in, Bucky mimicking her once she started. He ate with the same speed he normally did and she glanced around before bringing her other hand above the table, signaling for him to slow it down a bit.

 

He did, and actually seemed to taste it this time. Bruce made a mean bowl of oatmeal. She wanted Bucky to enjoy it. He seemed more relaxed as he ate. A true accomplishment.

 

Maybe she’d add boss ass bitch to her resume.

 

“You look tired,” Clint said from where he was perched next to her.

 

“Bit of a long night. It took me a while to fall asleep.  Jim and Spock kept me company.” She wriggled her eyebrows.

 

“Aren’t they part of your threesome goals?”

 

She smirked. “You’re telling me you wouldn’t if you could?”

 

He mimed zipping his mouth shut and she giggled, glancing around the table. Bucky was finished, twirling his spoon slowly in his hand. Bruce and Tony were huddled over a StarkPad, talking at the same time and still managing to understand each other. Sam and Steve…she watched as Sam nudged Steve, looking between him and Bucky.

 

Uh oh.

 

“Bucky,” Steve started off, immediately gaining his attention. “Sam and I were thinking it was about time for the two of us to rejoin the mission roster.”

 

Bucky bent his spoon in half and the table went silent.

 

“How…how do you feel about that?”

 

Bucky held Steve’s gaze unblinkingly for the longest minute of Darcy’s life. “Okay,” he said simply, taking his bowl to the sink and leaving.

 

“Damn it,” Steve muttered, placing his head in his hands. Sam rubbed his back. “We knew he might take it too well, man. You’re all he really knows at this point and you’re going to be gone for various amounts of time. But it’s been over a month and he can’t get used to you being there one hundred percent of the time. He’s gotta learn independence bit by bit.”

 

Darcy was inclined to agree but she was pretty sure the little progress she’d made food wise was dangerously close to being flushed down the toilet…literally.

 

“This is a lot of tension super early in the morning, and I barely slept so…I’m gonna finish this in my room.”

 

Clint gave her a peace out sign, Bruce and Tony were back to muttering over whatever and talking to Steve, so she made a hasty exit.

 

“JARVIS, Bucky’s floor please,” she said as she broke into a jog, rushing into the elevator.

 

“Certainly, Miss Lewis,” he answered, speeding the elevator up slightly. One she reached his floor, she hurried to his room, knocking.

 

“Bucky? It’s Darcy.”

 

He yanked open the door and immediately made a beeline to his bathroom. She gasped, nearly dropping her bowl and running in after him. He was on his knees, holding his stomach.

 

“Oh geez,” she said sadly, shutting the door and placing her bowl down.  “Where you waiting for me?” she asked, and he nodded.

 

He hovered above the toilet and retched, but thankfully nothing much came up, only a bit of spit.

 

“I’m gonna put your hair up and rub your back again.”

 

He held out his arm and she spotted her elastic from yesterday, pulling it off and tying his hair up. She then rubbed his back and he coughed into the toilet, but still, nothing much came up.

 

“I think your stomach is so excited to have a relatively full meal that it won’t let it go,” she muttered, and he turned to stare at her, wiping his mouth with his sleeve and sitting back.

 

She closed the lid and moved to sit beside him.

 

“Let’s not think about Steve and missions and whatever. That kinda sucks right now and it might have been better if they’d waited after breakfast.”

 

He shrugged.

 

“How was your stomach feeling before they said anything? Did you like the oatmeal?”

 

Bucky seemed to ponder that for a moment, opening and closing his mouth as if trying to taste it again. Then he nodded.

 

“Success!” Darcy shouted, startling him. “Crap, sorry. Success,” she whispered this time, doing a little dance.

 

“Success?” he asked.

 

“I dunno, it sucks that you still threw up a little bit but like, I wanted you to enjoy something you ate. Bruce makes great oatmeal, and yea, it’s a bit heavy but it’s also super healthy and tasty and must be doing wonders right now.”

 

He held his stomach again, nodding.

 

“So like, while Steve and Sam and everyone else goes off on their missions, we’ve got our own thing. Our food thing. That’s also important. They’re saving the world, we’re saving ourselves.”

 

Bucky stared at her for a long time, and she met his gaze, because she was so genuine in this, and she really needed him to understand her sincerity. Eating and throwing up was…it was not a good feeling. It was hard and frustrating and there were always lots of tears and dark days and…she didn’t wish that on anyone. Bucky deserved the world after what it did to him.

 

“Okay,” he sad softly, and she nodded, holding out her fist.

 

“Fist bump, dude. You bump your fist to mine.”

 

He slowly raised his human hand, knuckles tapping against hers so gently she hardly felt it.

 

Her answering smile betrayed none of the panic she felt on the inside.

 

This couldn’t go too terribly, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to hmu about any mistakes. I'm a mess. 
> 
> Also, Luxray is my favorite pokemon.
> 
> knuckifyoubucky.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are lovely.
> 
> Chapter Warnings: 
> 
> None. I didn't think I needed any for this chapter but if you think that isn't the case, please feel free to let me know and I'll correct that asap <3

Bucky was still trying to understand what it meant to want, desire, own…to be something other than ‘it’.

 

He figured the way his heart felt strange—the way his stomach churned after Steve said what he said, the way his mind whirled with memories of Steve small and taking beatings for others, the way Old Bucky would finish them off, the way he’d help Steve gasping and shivering back home—that he wanted Steve to be safe.

 

Bucky hated the fact that Steve and Sam wanted to go back on missions. Steve was an idiot. He’d watched the way Steve had recklessly “chased” him—it hadn’t really been a chase, as Bucky’d purposefully left clues behind so he could observe the man who claimed to know him, because if Bucky didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be found—eating little, sleeping less, basically dragging Sam along and hardly heeding his advice. The whisper in his mind, the old Bucky, the good Bucky, helped him understand that what he was feeling right now was worry and anger. Anger at… everything. And worry about Steve.

 

Steve would always, no matter what, lay down his life for others. And that was a problem for Bucky because Steve was literally one of the only things anchoring him. From what Bucky was slowly starting to remember, he was always there when Steve was being a self-sacrificing punk.

 

 _Punk_.

 

Bucky shook his head. Steve was all Bucky had right now. He would be nothing if Steve was gone.

 

And then there was the girl. Darcy. He tugged softly at the elastic on his flesh-wrist. She was…Bucky didn’t know how he felt about her. But he did feel something other than hatred for himself, panic, and pain when she’d helped him.

 

Bucky paced around his room. Sam must have told Steve to give him space and that was okay for Bucky because he was still figuring out how to say no when Steve asked to come into his room. Seeing Steve right now would only further his panic.

 

So he paced.

 

~

 

 

Things weren’t really getting better, per say.

 

Well, breakfast turned out to be a continued success these past few days. But Darcy had quickly realized that that moment of success she’d had with Bucky had been just that…a moment.

 

Lunch and dinner proved to be a bit of a problem. Steve and Co were almost ALWAYS around Bucky during off times unless Bucky wandered off on his own. Mealtimes were a constant company endeavor. Plus, she normally took her lunches with Jane if she could in the labs, and then dinners were a team affair. Bonding or whatever.

 

Then there was the ‘quantity’ issue. Tony had caterers bringing in all sorts of food from all over the city in grand amounts, and if not, the team themselves would cook ginormous portions. She would be baffled if she didn’t know who actually lived there. Thor and Steve alone could pack in enough for three to four people each, and there was the problem. They expected Bucky to do the same.

 

Oatmeal and fruit was like, a normal thing. Not everybody wanted a feast for breakfast. Other meals however…

 

She sighed.

 

It wasn’t a good feeling to be used to seeing Bucky upchuck.

 

But she had a plan. It was temporary as hell, but it was still a plan and she was going to roll with it.

 

#Guts

 

First, however, she needed to check on her original charge and see how things were going with Science!.

 

“Janey! I have sustenance!” she exclaimed grandly as she swept into the labs. Naturally, Jane didn’t hear her as she stood before a whiteboard filled with Science! scribbles.

 

Darcy took in her frazzled appearance and sighed fondly. She set the food down but kept the coffee, walking up to Jane and waving it slowly back and forth under her nose.

 

“Coffee,” Jane said suddenly, breaking from her trance and snapping the cup. She hummed softly as she took a sip.

 

“It speaks,” laughed Darcy as she took a sip of her own.

 

“Shush,” mumbled Jane, giving her a light shove. She plopped down into a chair.

 

Darcy grabbed an office chair of her own and wheeled herself beside Jane.

 

“Check my math?” Jane asked.

 

Darcy took a peak at the board. “Looks good, home skillet.”

 

Jane nodded, moaning as she took another sip. “I always forget how orgasmic your coffee is.”

 

“No less than three a cup, I always say.” The two smiled. “Where’s He-Man?”

 

Jane sighed. “In one of his moods. Thinking about Asgard and all the drama that comes with it.”

 

“Oh, well, that explains the weather,” Darcy mumbled with a grimace.

 

“Is it that bad?”

 

“What exactly is a ‘good’ storm when Thor is in a mood?”

 

Jane frowned. “You’re right. I wish I could help him when he’s like this.”

 

Darcy leaned back in her chair a bit. “I think maybe he needs a bit of space to work through this moment. Thor’s a cuddler and you definitely know that, so you also know that he’ll come to you when he’s ready. Even Gods have their days. Greek myths are filled with ‘em.”

 

Jane stared at her thoughtfully. “You’re really good at this advice thing.”

 

“Well, I like to think I’m okay at helping people.”

 

Everyone but myself, she thought, biting her lip.

 

“You really are though. Beautiful, smart, thoughtful—

 

“Keep it up and I’ll look like a bobble-head.” The two giggled. “So, here’s the deal. I have some donut-holes for you here, so, eat those,” she said, gesturing to the bag on one of the tables, “then you get three more hours of Science!, and after that that, you get some real food in you and a shower. Maybe by then Thor will be ready for some sweet lovin’ that only you can provide. Sound good?”

 

Jane nodded, and the two high-fived before Darcy made her way out. She took the elevator up to the common floor, walking up to one of the windows and peering out into the storm.

 

Fitting, for what was coming.

 

Steve’s departure into missions unknown.

 

~

 

Darcy knocked softly on Bucky’s door.

 

“Bucky?”

 

The door opened and he immediately stepped aside to let her in.

 

“Sorry to disturb you.”

 

He shrugged and remained standing. She took the time to really look around. Most of their interactions so far were in bathrooms, unfortunately, so she hadn’t really gotten the chance to take in his room before. It was depressingly bare. His bed was made, the covers a bit disturbed from where he was probably sitting. His bookshelf had nothing in it, his dresser only had the bare necessities, the walls were white and undecorated, the tv was off…

 

“What were you doing?”

 

He shrugged again.

 

“Nothing?” she asked sadly, “We gotta find things for you to do. You didn’t survive all that crap to waste away and not find little things to enjoy. Jogging with Steve and mealtimes can’t be the only things you do,” she said, flopping down onto his bed.

 

She watched him open and close his mouth multiple times and sat up, giving him her full attention. She was quickly learning that speaking wasn’t easy for him…at all.

 

“Sam said it-I-should find a hobby,” he said softly.

 

 

“I think Sam has the right idea. Is there anything that interests you?”

 

He immediately looked uncomfortable. Darcy thought back to the few files she’d managed to read on him, remembering that he wasn’t allowed down-time. Instead, the assholes would shove him in a freezer. She clenched her fists and his eyes were immediately drawn to the action. He tensed further.

 

“Sorry, sorry, I’m just pissed on your behalf. It’s…it’s okay if you don’t know yet. We’ll add that to your plan. Don’t worry about it.”

 

He relaxed a bit.

 

“Annnnd speaking of plans, I think I found a temporary solution to this lunch and dinner issue.”

 

His gaze turned piercing. Darcy was still trying to figure that expression out.

 

“Sooooo, I know you’re not too thrilled about Steve’s mission, but like, since he won’t be here, I think that’ll give us an opportunity to like, work on what you eat without his licking your ass about it.”

 

He blinked, cocking his head to the side.

 

“I mean, I know I’m basically doing the same thing, but I’d like to think I actually know what I’m doing, and why I‘m actually doing it.”

 

He blinked again. She frowned before realizing.

 

“I’m talking about you eating food, not me and Steve eating your ass, oh God,” she said, covering her face with her hands. “Way to go Lewis, just further traumatize him, oh yeah, you rock at this.”

 

She heard a small huff and immediately looked up, only to see his face blank. “Did you, did you just laugh at me?” she asked with a gasp.

 

He remained expressionless but Darcy wasn’t thwarted. “You did,” she said, laughing herself and standing up to move closer. “I know what I heard. I made you laugh. I, Darcy Meghan Lewis, made Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes laugh. It was a small one, but it still happened. I’m such a badass!" She spun around and kicked the air. “And all it took was ass eating references. Imagine that.”

 

She turned back around with a bright smile, and Bucky’s eyes widened. “I’m gonna make you cackle at least once. I didn’t realize that was a goal until now. So that’s part of my plan. I want you to enjoy food, I want you to find things that interest you, and I want to make you laugh. It kinda goes with the whole ‘your happiness’ theme anyway.”

 

Darcy paused to catch her breath and grabbed her phone, checking the time. “Damn, I forgot I’m on Tony duty. Gotta make sure Tony eats too. Take your time to think it over and tell me if you’re down with it when you’re ready. Also, if you want something cool to see, literally just watch the storm outside. Thor’s storms are always amazing. See you later.”

 

She held up a peace sign on her way out.

 

 

~

 

 

Bucky wandered dazedly out into the apartment to the wall to floor windows, peering out at the storm.

 

This was nothing.

 

Darcy Lewis on the other-hand, was a whirlwind.

 

 

~

 

 

“Stark!” she called, petting DUM-E fondly on her way in.

 

“Titstacular! JARVIS said you were headed my way!” Tony replied, arms waving all over the place as he scrolled through holographic diagrams. Darcy rolled her eyes, grabbed him, and slammed him into a nearby chair.

 

“Eat everything on this damn plate.”

 

He took one look at her face and nodded. “It’s only because I like you, Lewis,” he mumbled as he took a bite.

 

“Yea, and because Pepper absolutely adores me and you don’t want both of us pissed at you at the same time,” she added sweetly.

 

He shooed her away and she laughed.

 

“You’ll tell me if he doesn’t eat everything, won’t you JARV?”

 

“Most certainly Miss Lewis,” JARVIS replied.

 

“Traitor,” Tony whispered.

 

Darcy blew him a kiss before she left.

 

~

 

 

Thor’s mood had improved by nightfall, fortunately. Nearly everyone was outside on the Helipad. The Quinjet was being loaded with various tactical gear while Clint fiddled with the controls up front. Darcy stood off to the side and out of the way, watching everything unfold.

 

Maria was huddled over a Starkpad with Natasha who’d just returned from her mission just to go off on another one. Steve and Sam were talking as they finished suiting up, Steve pausing every few moments to look around.

 

Bucky wasn’t there yet.

 

Tony walked out with Pepper, SUITcase in hand, stopping a little away from the group to kiss her. Cute.

 

Bruce was back inside. Goodbyes made him anxious. She glanced over at Thor. He tossed Mew-Mew from hand to hand as he spoke softly with Jane. That alone had Darcy’s alarms blaring. What kind of mission were they embarking on that needed nearly all of the Avengers? She looked over at Maria again. Unless someplace was being attacked by mutant squids or whatever, all these Avengers seemed a bit excessive. And Darcy was pretty sure she’d know if that was happening.

 

Maybe her civilian status was preventing her from knowing high-level secret missions. Kind of annoying, but okay.  She’d ask Jane later.

 

Bucky still wasn’t there.

 

Natasha was staring at a spot beside Darcy. So was Steve.

 

Or he was?

 

She looked over to see Bucky leaning against the wall beside her, hood up, hands in pockets. Damn those super assassin skills. How long had he been standing there? He looked…not okay. He wasn’t showing much in the way of expression but…she could tell that he wasn’t doing to well right now. She scooted a bit closer.

 

“So this obviously sucks. Maybe you shouldn’t say goodbye. Because ‘byes’ in situations like these are ominous as hell, you know? But see you later kinda undermines how risky missions can be too, yikes. Though, the way Steve is looking at you right now,” she paused for a moment as he stared in Steve’s direction, “you might not need to say anything at all. You just being here looks like enough for him. He was waiting for you.”

 

Bucky stood still for a moment. Then he nodded at Steve, who eagerly nodded back. Sam clapped him on the shoulder and looked to say something encouraging. Darcy smiled softly before she caught Natasha’s stare. There was something dissecting about the look and Darcy broke the gaze, staring fixatedly at the night sky above.

 

“Alrighty folks, everything’s good on my end. We ready?” said Clint as he emerged from the jet.

 

Everyone ended their little side conversations and said their goodbyes before entering the jet. Maria turned and left, most likely to continue monitoring from wherever it was she conducted all her official businessy mission stuff. Steve gave Bucky a final glance as the back entrance of the jet closed. It took off silently, colors fading as they set it on stealth mode.

 

Bucky immediately left, leaving her and Jane.

 

“I always miss him as soon as he’s gone,” said Jane softly, and Darcy felt terrible about it but she really needed to go after Bucky and leave Jane for the moment.

 

“I’ll come talk with you in a bit, Janey,” she said, speed-walking after him. Darcy had to quickly change her pace to a light jog. “Bucky, wait,” she called, rushing to catch up.

 

He stopped, body slightly hunched over and shivering violently. Darcy nearly collided with him and she watched him for a moment before reaching forward. She was about to ask for permission to touch him when his entire demeanor changed. He straightened up and turned mechanically to face her.

 

Darcy took one look at his face and immediately took a step back. There was a different blankness to his expression, a rigidity that screamed at Darcy’s senses. His eyes bored into hers, the blues in them bright with barely a restrained something. She didn’t know what that something was, but it was horrifyingly dark.

 

This wasn’t Bucky.

 

No, this was The Winter Soldier, and Darcy had his full, undivided attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least 100% sure Darcy's middle name isn't Meghan, but it rolled nicely off the tongue.
> 
> knuckifyoubucky.tumblr.com


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's scary how fast things can spiral out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3
> 
> Chapter Warnings:
> 
> mentions of eating disorders, slight behavior pertaining to eating disorders

To this day, Darcy was still trying to figure out how an unpaid internship in New Mexico constantly managed to place her in situations where she, quite literally, looked death in the face.

 

“Oh Christ,” she whispered, also trying to figure out the HELL she ended up stuck alone in the hallway with the Winter Soldier, right after nearly everyone capable of handling the situation had gone of God knows where, when they were the ones who were waiting for his comeback in the first place.

 

“Oh no, oh jeez, yikes, oh crap,” she continued to mutter. Jane was still out on the helipad, and hopefully she stayed there for a moment because it was probably best if no one came and startled him into action.

 

Darcy’s phone vibrated and she slowly pulled it out of her pocket. “It’s my phone, it’s just my phone, I’m not packing, not a weapon, my phone, okay?” She slowly raised it and showed it to him before checking the message.

 

_Given the sudden change in Sergeant Barnes’s demeanor, perhaps I should alert Mr. Banner and the rest of the team. – JARVIS_

Oh, good on JARVIS to text. If Bucky heard that reinforcements were a possibility, it could frighten him and make things worse.

 

“If he hurts me,” she whispered in response, fingers trembling too violently to text back.

 

Okay. Time to figure this out. She could do this. The world’s most feared super assassin was suddenly reactivated or whatever the hell this was, and only a few feet away from her. No big deal. If she survived when her mom caught her with a boy in her room in the tenth grade than she could survive this too.

 

“Bucky?” she called softly.

 

“Bucky doesn’t want to talk,” he replied.

 

What? Darcy’s jaw dropped. That simple answer just took this entire situation to a new level.

 

“What do you mean he doesn’t want to talk? Who am I talking too right now?” she asked, taking a step forward.

 

“The Asset.”

 

She bit her lip, trying to work through it. “Okay…and…The Asset and Bucky are two different people?”

 

He flinched, bringing his hand up to his head and swaying lightly. He clenched his metal hand, and it made a slight whirring sound that made her stomach drop further.

 

“Never mind, forget I asked that, it’s okay, it’s okay,” she said, hands up in a placating gesture.

 

Her phone vibrated again.

 

_Dr. Foster is exiting the helipad. – JARVIS_

“I need you to leave, quickly. Uh, go to…my room! My room, please?” she said, panicking further. If Jane realized what was going on, she’d immediately suggest calling Thor and the others. Darcy turned around to see Jane headed in her direction. She glanced backward to see how much time she had and…Bucky was… gone. How fast…

 

“Darcy?”

 

Darcy whirled around to see Jane, who immediately frowned and rushed closer.

 

“Darcy! Are you alright? You look pale,” she said, placing palm on Darcy’s forehead.

 

“It’s nothing, just thought I saw a spider. You know, me and spiders.” She allowed herself a moment to lean against the wall and catch her breath because this problem was far from over and she needed a few seconds.

 

“Sit down, let me get you a glass of—

 

“I’m just going to lay down, if that’s alright. Rain check on our hangout.”

 

Jane’s frown deepened. “Do you want me to walk you? You look really pale, Darce.”

 

“It’s fine, Janey,” Darcy whispered, righting herself. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

 

She walked a calm even pace down the rest of the long hallway, and the moment she rounded the corner, she bolted. The elevator doors opened before she reached them and she dove in.

 

“Please grip the handrail, Miss Lewis,” asked JARVIS, and she did as the elevator sped up it’s pace. She jolted very lightly as it came to a stop at her floor and she ran into her apartment.

 

“Bucky?” she called as she rushed into her room. All the lights were off. “JARVIS, lig—

 

She slipped on something, maybe a shoe, maybe a body, but two arms reached around and steadied her just as the lights turned on. She screamed and they immediately released her. Darcy collapsed back against the wall, her hand pressed to her chest. When she opened her eyes, Bucky??? was standing unnaturally still, watching her.

 

“I need, I need a glass of water,” she mumbled to herself, and he immediately left, returning as quickly as he’d vanished with a full glass in his hand. He held it out to her.

 

“Uhh, thanks?” she said, taking it and downing it. She then slowly walked away into her bathroom.

 

He followed her.

 

She placed her glass down and turned the sink faucet on, running cold water under her hands and cupped them, washing her face. When she rose, her fluffy pink towel was thrust into her hands. She stared at Bucky??? again before drying her face, tossing the towel.

 

The two stared at each other. Where the hell would she start? What the hell was happening? Why was this her life?

 

“Bucky—

 

“It’s not Bucky. It’s the Asset.”

 

“You’re not an it,” she immediately responded, and his mouth snapped shut, stepping back. “No, um, oh God, I didn’t mean to snap. I’m a little bit…overwhelmed.”

 

“What is your punishment?” he asked, dropping to his knees and lowering his head.

 

Thor, give me strength, she thought frantically. “Why would I punish you? Buck-um, you, you need to explain what’s happening. I don’t understand.”

 

“You are the handler,” he responded, head still bowed.

 

“No…no, no I’m not,” she gasped, dropping to her kness, partially out of necessity because she really felt like she was going to faint, and partially so she could cup his face in her hands and raise his head, their eyes meeting. “No, dude, I’m not your handler. I’m your friend. Friends aren’t handlers. We’re equal. I don’t own you. I need you to understand this before we move on.”

 

His eyes were clouded with confusion but he nodded.

 

“No more kneeling, unless you’re comfortable. I’m going to sit, okay?”

 

He watched her and then mimicked her position. Darcy grabbed an elastic from her wrist and ted her hair up into a quick bun so she could focus and get down to business. Her heart was still pounding. That aura of barely restrained rage was still permeating the space they were in and she knew that there was a huge chance he wasn’t quite as in control as he seemed…besides the fact that he called himself not-Bucky.

 

“Where is Bucky?” she asked.

 

“Hiding.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“It handles when he cannot.”

 

“You’re not an it. You’re a person.”

 

“I handle when he cannot.”

 

Darcy placed her head in her hands, breathing deeply. “Okay. Is he…is he still here? Does he know what’s happening right now?”

 

“Yes.”

 

After the things he’d gone through, all the different methods of torture he’d been forced to endure ahd horrors he’d been made to commit, of course there would be all types impact on his mind. This was probably one of them.

 

“So, there are two of you?”

 

“We are one person.”

 

“Just…different…parts?”

 

He held his head again.

 

“Can Bucky come back out now?” she asked, distracting him from whatever train of thought he was headed into. Clearly he had little way of explaining what was happening to him and asking was another type of trigger.

 

“No.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I handle what he cannot.”

 

“And…Steve leaving was…too much?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay, so, this happens often?”

 

“It depends on what we can handle.”

 

“Okay. Okay, so, it might happen again.”

 

“Yes.”

 

No big deal, haha. No need to panic. “Cool. So, what can I call you?”

 

“The Asset.”

 

She frowned. “I don’t really like that. It makes you seem less of a person, and you’re a person, remember?”

 

He blinked.

 

“Do you like being called the Asset?”

 

“What do you mean by like?”

 

 

“Does it make you…comfortable, being called that? Were they nice to you when they called you the Asset? Did…anything good happen to you when you were called that?”

 

He looked away. “No,” he answered after a while.

 

“Well, maybe a better name. In the history books, they said Bucky didn’t like James, but James is still his…your name. So…since Bucky doesn’t like James, and you need a new name, would you mind being called James?”

 

He looked away again, muttering James under his breath as if testing it out. “For me?”

 

“Yes, for you.”

 

He nodded.

 

“Good,” said Darcy, “I’m Darcy. It’s nice to meet you, James.”

 

She held out her fist, and he stared before touching his flesh fist to hers, holding the metal one stiffly to his side. Darcy noticed but ignored it. One thing at a time.

 

“How long do you stay here while Bucky is gone?”

 

“Bucky is still here.”

 

“Right, sorry, just…not in charge? Okay. Well….will he remember what’s happening now?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Does he always remember?”

 

“Sometimes.”

 

“And, what does that mean?”

 

“We don’t remember when we are wiped, and sometimes we don’t remember when I am covered in blood and the anger is dulled.”

 

Darcy paled. “So, a rage blackout,” she muttered to herself. “Are you angry now?”

 

“It is…controlled.”

 

“And…when it’s not?” she asked softly.

 

His eyes were dark when they met hers again, both fists clenched tightly. “I destroy. Everything.”

 

Darcy licked her lips that suddenly went dry. Another glass of water and a ten year nap would be spectacular right about now.

 

“Would you ever hurt me? Or the others?”

 

“The others, yes. They aren’t safe. You…no.”

 

She blinked, confused. “Why?”

 

“We don’t understand what it is to like, but if like means good, and safe, then Bucky likes you.”

 

Darcy’s jaw dropped while her mind struggled to process what she’d just heard, but James’s eyes rolled back and he listed sideways. She scrambled forward and managed to catch him before his head cracked against the tile but his sudden unsupported weight brought her down with him.

 

“James!” she called, struggling to move him so his head was in her lap. “James,” she called again, leaning over to check his face. She tried to lift up his eyelids to get a glimpse under them but his body arched off the ground, shaking.

 

“Holy hell,” she gasped, clutching him to her.

 

“Should I call Dr. Banner, Miss Lewis?” JARVIS asked.

 

“NO! No, sorry for yelling, but I’m guessing his head is literally fist fighting itself and the last thing we need is him freaking out and then freaking out Bruce, ya know? SO let’s give this a secon—oh!”

 

He went still. She angled herself so that his head was directly on her lap and leaned over his face.

 

“James? Bucky?” she asked softly.

 

His eyes opened suddenly, the intense blues meeting hers.

 

“Bucky,” he answered after a moment, slowly sitting up. He was shivering and Darcy got up, grabbing a blanket from her pile, wrapping it around him.

 

“I think you just had a seizure.”

 

“Transition,” he clarified.

 

“Okay. Okay, this is a lot. So…I’m going to make us some soup. Something that’s hopefully easy on your stomach, and we can…talk maybe? While we eat? If you want.”

 

He shrugged.

 

“You can stay in the bathroom if you don’t feel like getting up. This seems like the spot for all our drama.”

 

He shrugged again.

 

Darcy slowly walked out, numbly making her way to the kitchen and getting out the ingredients for a simple, pretty crappy, bowl of soup. Rice and pre-made chicken broth. Crappy indeed but maybe something as simple as possible was for the best after whatever the hell had just taken place in his body.

 

Because that was a thing.

 

Bucky and James. Bucky and the Winter Soldier, both residing in his head. She’d literally just had a conversation with the Winter Soldier. So now she was dealing with Bucky’s intense issues with food, and this.

 

For a split second, Darcy felt completely overwhelmed by the weight and depth of the situation she was in. The bombshell just dropped on her ravaged her mind, leaving her gasping and desperate for some semblance of control.  Something dark and familiar welled up inside her. She walked over to her pantry on autopilot, taking out the first thing she saw. A box of cookies. Darcy tore open the box and stuffed three cookies into her mouth before she came back to herself, rushing over to the sink and spitting everything out.

 

“No no no no no,” she muttered, coughing into the sink.

 

Tears sprung up in the corners of her eyes and she gripped the edges of the sink, knuckles whitening. “No no no,” she continued to mutter, spitting more of the leftover crumbs to join the rest of the mess. Darcy smothered a sob, placing her hands over her mouth. She was in control. Everything was going to be fine.

 

She. Was in. Control.

 

The sink turned on suddenly and she jumped, eyes meeting Bucky’s. He moved so quietly. She watched as he washed her mess down the drain.

 

“Sorry,” she said after a moment, trying to compose herself.

 

“We’re a…team, right?” he asked quietly, as if unsure.

 

“Yea,” she answered, wiping her eyes and turning to wash her hands. “We’re a team.”

 

“So…so when it happens to me, you come. And when it happens to you, I come,” he continued, repeating the plan she’d laid out for him before.

 

The whole plan was supposed to be for him though. Every time she thought the urges were over and done with, they suddenly came back to her again. She didn’t want him to have to help her. She was supposed to be the one helping him.

 

“Yes,” she answered after a while, exhausted.

 

She turned off the stove. “JARVIS, can you please order us some soup?”

 

“Certainly, Miss Lewis. Does it matter what kind?” he asked softly, voice tuned to the tense atmosphere.

 

“No, just something soft on his stomach, please.” She sat down the table, crossing her arms and letting her forehead rest against them.

 

Bucky walked back and forth for a moment before sitting next to her.

 

She just needed a minute.

 

Everything was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is clearly not fine.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The love you guys are showing this fic is literally astounding. I love you. <3

Bucky frowned as he watched Darcy lay still and breath heavy against the table. He clenched and unclenched his hands. A few nights ago, he’d woken up from a nightmare and crawled under his bed. After a few hours, he had another memory, of his Ma’s voice singing to him. He knew it was his Ma because once he heard her voice in his head, something else that had been shattered clicked into place. Now he wouldn’t forget her. When he was small, she would sing to him, and stroke his hair.

 

Bucky liked Darcy. The Asset, no James, helped him figure that out. He did not like that she was sad. Seeing her tremble like he did was not, as she said, comfortable.

 

Bucky couldn’t open his mouth right now and sing the song his mother had sung, but he had his flesh hand, and that was operational. He slowly reached forward, hand hovering over her head before gently placing his fingers into her tresses, trailing back until he reached her bun and repeating the process.

 

The ghost of her voice echoed in his head in time with his movements.

 

“Alright, enough of that,” said Darcy, sitting up with a clap. Bucky immediately drew his hand back. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. And thanks for sitting with me. Let’s put this pity party on pause. JARV, eta on food?”

 

“Ten to fifteen minutes, Miss Lewis.”

 

“Now that’s what I like to hear. Let’s take a walk, or something. I feel like if we sit in silence for too long, it’ll be all doom and gloom again.”

 

She stood up and Bucky followed. The two walked out of her apartment to the elevator. “Have you ever looked out on the helipad balcony?” she asked softly.

 

He shook his head no. Darcy leaned back against the wall of the elevator while JARVIS directed the elevator. “It’s pretty,” she whispered.

 

The doors opened and she led the two of them outside all the way to the edge. She grasped the metal holding them from a hell of a fall. “The closer to the edge you are, the more you can see. New York is really pretty at night from up here. I love it.”

 

Bucky gripped the blanket around his shoulders tighter as the wind blew it about. The sounds of the city drifted up and he closed his eyes to listen.

 

“It’s still too cloudy to see the stars. I’ve always liked star-gazing. Used to sit out on my Grandma’s lawn and she’d make up all these stories about the shapes we could make out. That’s kind of what I had in mind when I applied to intern with Jane. Super intense star-gazing. And that all led me here, standing here with you. Imagine that.”

 

He opened his eyes and turned to stare at her. The moonlight had an interesting affect on her skin. It seemed to glow.

 

His head hurt for a moment, and he glimpsed a small blonde, skin and bones, giggling and pointing at the night sky beside him.

 

“Next time, I guess. But it’s nice, right?” she asked, turning to meet his gaze and drawing him away from the split-second memory.  Later.

 

He nodded. He supposed it was nice.

 

She kept hold on the bars and leaned over. “Further right, you can see the A. I wonder what it’s like to sit inside it and stare down.”

 

“Miss Lewis, Sergeant Barnes, your food has arrived,” JARVIS gently informed.

 

“Yea buddy.”

 

She reached for his hand, the metal one, clasping it gently in hers and tugging him with her.  Bucky visibly startled, eyes widening. He stared down at the meeting between something that has wrought so much death and something that showed nothing but care. It was an odd union. The sensors on his hand sent him signals.

 

She was warm.

 

“Yikes, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. Should’ve asked.”

 

She released his hand and took a step back to give him a bit of space. Bucky looked at his metal hand, back to her, repeated thing process multiple times before pulling off his hoodie, dropping the blanket, and tentatively stretching the arm out in her direction. Darcy held his gaze, stepped closer, and carefully reached forward with both hands. She watched his face for any sudden changes of expression so she would know when to move back. Her left hand cuffed the bottom of the arm while her right softly followed the patterns of the ridges.

 

Bucky watched her hand go further and further up and he pulled his t-shirt sleeve up to the edge, making sure the scar was left concealed. Her fingertips traced the red star.

 

“This isn’t who you are anymore,” Darcy whispered.

 

She let his arm go and scooped up his things with one hand and clasped their fingers together again with the other.

 

“Let’s get our food. I’m starving, dude.”

 

His arm told him that her temperature and heartbeat were both slightly elevated.

 

So were his.

 

~

 

They both ventured to the lobby to collect and pay from the delivery boy and Bucky remained out of sight, watching the exchange carefully and ready to intervene if necessary. Darcy thanked the kid who stared at the lobby in wonder.

 

“Get back safe, little dude,” she said with a laugh, watching him go before joining Bucky in the shadows. “Ready to go back up?”

 

She watched as he glanced carefully around them and waited patiently. Whatever made him more comfortable. A comfy Bucky was a safe Bucky, and that was totes cool with Darcy. When he was done, he took the bags from her.

 

“What a gentleman,” she sighed dreamily, and they stepped into the elevator. “Smells good JARV. What’s for dinner? Or whatever this meal counts as.”

 

“I went with a simple vegetable soup in the hopes that it would be kind to Sergeant Barnes’s stomach.”

 

“Sweet,” said Darcy. She blew a kiss up to the ceiling.

 

The elevator stopped at her floor and they walked into her apartment. She tossed Bucky’s stuff on the couch.

 

“Bread bowls have also been included,” JARVIS added.

 

“BREAD BOWLS!” Darcy gasped, rushing over to the bags Bucky placed on the table. “JARV if you had a physical body I’d totally kiss you. Love of my life, my sweet pea, my precious babe” she gushed, carefully removing the soup and bread.

 

“If only,” he deadpanned and she laughed, sending him a wink.

 

Darcy set the table and was about to pour the soup into the bread when she caught Bucky’s expression.

 

Uh oh.

 

“Something’s wrong. What’s wrong?” she asked worriedly.

 

Literally all she had done was picked up soup. There’s no way she had screwed even _that_ up.

 

He pointed at the soup.

 

She did. She did screw it up. “Are you not hungry?” she frowned, trying to fix whatever she did.

 

He shrugged.

 

“Does that mean you aren’t hungry, are hungry, or don’t really know how to figure that out?”

 

He huffed out a sigh that sounded a little more frustrated than she expected him to show.

 

“Okay, so that’s something we’ll work on. If you don’t want this—

 

He shook his head.

 

“You do…you do want this, which means, it’s an actual problem with the soup? Ohhhh, the soup. I forgot you prefer seeing your food made.”

 

She cursed. Yup. Way to go.

 

“If I may, Miss Lewis, the metal bowls in the back of your cupboard that came with the apartment where developed by Sir to detect any fowl play concerning delivered food,” JARVIS softly intervened.

 

Darcy blinked, getting up and searching for the bowls. She pulled one out, looking at the solid metal with a clear line around it in design. “That’s…oddly convenient.”

 

“Sadly, many an attempt have been made on Sir’s life.”

 

Her frown deepened. “Aw, Tony,” she sighed, thinking about just how justified so many of her friends’ paranoia was. It was upsetting.

 

She poured the soup into a large bowl and Bucky walked over to watch, peering at it. The clear lining slowly turned a neon green.

 

“Green means go?”

 

“Indeed.”

 

“And once again, the day is saved, thanks to JARVIS!”

 

“And Sir.”

 

“And Tony, yes, I’ll give him some love when he gets back.” She turned to Bucky. “Is this alright for you?”

 

Bucky stared down at the soup for a moment before nodding.

 

 

Darcy poured the soup into the bread bowls and grabbed two spoons, sitting down. Bucky sat down across from her with his back towards the sink, which probably meant that he was trying to relax and he needed to see all exits for that to happen. She had to make sure to sit in better places so he’d be more comfortable.

 

“So, bread bowls are super cool because as you eat the soup you eat the bread, and the bread is nice and soggy and filled with rich and soupy goodness. Delight in every bite type of goodness. I just really like bread bowls.”

 

Bucky nodded and watched her eat before joining in.

 

“And sorry for forgetting about your see the food thing. Next soup will be à la Darcy. I’m a pretty mean cook.”

 

He nodded again, and the rest of the meal passed in silence.

 

Maybe he really was out of words, but that made sense. What, with his mild panic attack revealing his actual alter ego and all. Yea…she’d be exhausted too.

 

Well…she was exhausted. She was so tired.

 

She was actually really, _really_ tired.

 

Bucky picked at his bread, breaking it off into tinier pieces.

 

“You don’t have to eat anymore if you’re full. Look, I’m done, and I didn’t finish mine either. It’s all good.”

 

She was actually too tired to really eat anymore, but maybe if she showed Bucky that she could choose not to finish what was on her plate, it would help his recovery a bit. He stared between both of their bowls before he placed both his hands in his lap.

 

“Let me get this all cleaned up and then this girl’s gonna crash for the night. I’m super low on batteries.”

 

Darcy worked quickly under the weight of Bucky’s gaze, and the wild day that was thankfully coming to an end, and the stress of the entire situation that the two of them were in…it was heavy as hell.

 

She dried her hands and turned towards him.

 

“I’m gonna get some rest. I think you should too, if you’re tired.”

 

He nodded, going to retrieve his things from her couch. She watched his careful measured steps, and the way he made no sound at all as he moved. She walked with him to her front door.

 

“Tomorrow will be better. Let’s hope for that, because, woooooooah, what a day. Goodnight Bucky. And tell James goodnight for me too, okay?”

 

Bucky blinked slowly at her, staring. “Night,” he mumbled finally, letting himself out.

 

Darcy shut the door behind him and leaned against it.

 

Bed. Shower in the morning, bed right now.

 

She peeled off her clothes as she went, uncaring of the mess she was making on her way to her bedroom. She tossed her bra somewhere, grabbed an oversized tee, and collapsed onto her covers. Then, in a show of cliché’ tv-esque drama that was eerily reminiscent of the hell that was her teen years, she screamed into her pillow.

 

Tomorrow would be better. It had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Finding Nemo Kid-Fish Voice* She touched the butt!
> 
> Or in this case, his metal arm, and to Bucky, that's a pretty big deal.
> 
> Though there might be actual butt touching in the future. Who knows. ;)
> 
> And things will probably start really moving from here on out. Oh boy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3333
> 
> A bit of a longer chapter. :)
> 
> Chapter Warnings:
> 
> Mentions and discussions of eating disorders

Darcy woke up with a much clearer head and an urge to hear her mother’s voice, so she immediately grabbed her phone from under her pillow and dialed her.

 

“Mama bear,” she greeted.

 

“Have you been eating?” was the first thing her mother asked, before a hello, how are you, and Darcy sighed, gearing up.

 

Clara Lewis was a hell of a woman.

 

“Yeah, I have.”

 

“And have you been keeping it down?”

 

“I haven’t had any incidents. But someone I know has. I’m trying to help him, which is why I’m calling you. Aside from, you know, love and whatever. What a burden. How many soup recipes do you know?”

 

Her mom snorted. “How many years did your father stick around? Like, one and a half. You know food isn’t my thing. Ask Nana.”

 

“Absolutely loving how tactful you’re being right now,” Darcy laughed, and her mother rolled her eyes. She could tell. By residual womb connection or something.

 

“Ha, alright. Pot, kettle. Honestly though, ask Nana. I think her biggest regret is my lack of skills in the kitchen but she’d absolutely love it if you called asking for recipes. You know how she is.”

 

“Yeah,” Darcy smiled fondly. “Have you heard from Dick McTwatterass lately?”

 

“I haven’t, actually. It’s been a true pleasure. And Nana’s sixth sense would tingle and she’d Spartan kick my ass if I gave him any time of day. I’m not going to give him any details about you so he can show up with his dead-beat dad guilt and mess with your life.”

 

“Just the way I like it, Mom.”

 

“So enough about him. Tell me about your friend.”

 

Darcy sighed long and hard.

 

“Damn baby girl, is it really that serious?”

 

“He’s a recovering traumatized tortured solider who has issues with food. Keeps throwing up what he eats. I’m trying to get him to see that food is freaking spectacular and awesome and should always being enjoyable and puking after every meal is not cool, ya know.”

 

“Oh, I know you know, baby. Just, this sounds like a lot you’re taking on.”

 

‘It is,” Darcy said with a frown.

 

“I don’t want you to get into a situation where you take on more than you can handle and spiral again.”

 

Darcy picked at a loose thread on her comforter.

 

“That silence, I don’t like that silence. You said there wasn’t an incident. Do I need to come to that big-ass tower?”

 

“NO! I mean, no, not right now. I just…I almost, last night, I had a really bad moment where I really was, but my friend stopped me. We’re….we’re kind of keeping each other in check? It’s hard to explain.”

 

“Go on then. Explain it.”

 

“Moooom,”

 

A momentary sound of shuffling came from the other line. “I just got comfortable on my couch where I will now give you my full, undivided attention. Snap snap.”

 

Darcy rolled her eyes. “It sucks that I got this mouth from you, because I can’t win against my creator.”

 

“Much to learn you have, Young Padawan. That explanation?”

 

Darcy fluffed up her pillows, leaning back. “Okay, so, I kinda noticed the signs that he wasn’t keeping his meals down, because, you know, me, and I followed him to the bathroom one day and was like, dude, just puke, you’ll feel better, and he hurled something fierce, and I was like yikes, but, me too, ya know, same, hashtag: aboutthatlife, but, with sad emojis after it, so we kinda made a bizarre pact, and we keep each other in check. If he has an incident, I come to support him, and vice versa. We’ve also been working to get him used to food again, and….yea. That’s it.”

 

Her mother was quiet for a moment, and Darcy put the phone on speaker so she could chip at her nail polish.

 

“And…there’s no one who can help you with this? At all?” her mom finally asked.

 

“Well, how the hell would I ask? One, he doesn’t want anybody to know, and neither do I. Hey, we’re eating disorder buddies! He’s an extensive trauma victim, she doesn’t know when to shut up, but wait, there’s more! They both know that there’s a weird black spot on the upper rim of the toilet bowl because their heads are always there!”

 

“Oh please. You think your friends will look at you differently? Darcy, you’re living in a billionaire’s tower rent free, you’re on a first name basis with a god, and aliens invade at least twice a month. I think they can handle the fact that you’re both suffering from a mental illness.”

 

“No, mom.”

 

“Yea, I know. Stubborn wench. I won’t force you…but you know what you’re like when things get really bad, and I won’t know unless you tell me, and I’d like to think that you would make the right decision for your safety and that of your friends if things truly were not working out.”

 

Darcy stepped out of her bed and stared at herself in her full body mirror.

 

“Yea, I’d like to think so too.”

 

“But what would also truly be fantastic is is you got in touch with Dr. Mara again.”

 

Things were quiet for a while.

 

“Well,” said Clara, sounding resigned, “I’m gonna call Nana, check in on her and tell her to expect to hear from you. Stay safe. And keep me updated on this, and on you.”

 

“I will.”

 

“Love you baby girl.”

 

“Love you too Mama.”

 

Darcy ended the call and tossed her phone on the bed.

 

“Crap,” she muttered.

 

She grabbed her StarkPad, opening her Bucky notes. First she added James with as many question marks that could fit on that line, because Jesus.

 

Next she added that he might not know when he was hungry and only ate when people asked him too or offered him food, which meant that throughout the day when she wasn’t with him, she should give him little snacks so he could feel accustomed to the feel of something in his stomach and he’d eventually recognize when it was empty. Hopefully.

 

She then opened up her personal notes, writing down her minor incident from the day before, and what she’d felt when it happened.

 

Gotta keep an eye on that, she thought.

 

“JARVIS, is Bucky up?”

 

“That he is, Miss Lewis,” JARVIS answered.

 

“And I’m guessing he isn’t eating. Is he doing anything or just standing and staring.”

 

“He is in fact standing at staring at the door to Steve’s room.”

 

“Oh yikes, does he have an Starkpad? Phone? Anything?”

 

“He has both, Miss Lewis.”

 

“Send him Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone please. To read.”

 

“A good choice.”

 

She grabbed her phone and wrote him a quick text.

 

_Bucky! This is a great book. Give it a try if you wanna pass the time. I’ll be at yours soon to make breakfast. Holla! :)_ _\- D_

Darcy turned back to her notes.

 

For Bucky

  *       Soft foods, soups, breads, smoothies, shakes, ask Nana for more
  *       Get him things 2 do, books, movies, spend time, feel cared for, liked
  *       JAMES??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????



 

She paused, thinking about last night. His reaction to her touching his arm was…something. It was clear that he had major insecurities and other negative feelings regarding the arm, and honestly, she couldn’t begin to imagine what that was like. What it had been like getting it attached, what it had been forced to do…but it was apart of him, and she liked Bucky, and…

 

_“We don’t understand what it is to like, but if like means good, and safe, then Bucky likes you.”_

James had said that to her before collapsing. Darcy put the tablet down and tugged her hair.

 

Yea, she guessed Bucky liked her too. That was…a surprisingly nice feeling. The world had literally eaten him and shat him out and somehow he found her tolerable. Darcy wasn’t all that, so it was…it was definitely a nice feeling to be liked by someone who had every right to hate everything in the world and beyond.

 

She fanned herself before looking back down.

 

_Confirmed. – BB_

She blinked.

 

  *       Teach Bucky how to text



 

Also, he signed himself as BB, which made her think of baby, and that was oddly cute.

 

  *       Figure out how to help Bucky and Steve…



 

Bucky had some serious emotions regarding Steve and Steve had some SERIOUS emotions regarding Bucky and it would probably be better for Bucky’s headspace if they could somehow get on the same wavelength. Maybe she could find a way to get Sam’s help without revealing all of their…secrets.

 

For me

  *       DON’T RELAPSE
  *       !!!!!!!!
  *       SRSLY DON’T



 

Darcy closed her notes and tossed the tablet. Time to get a move on. She stripped, ignoring the image of her naked body as she passed her mirror. Her shower was faster than normal because she knew Bucky was waiting for her and she didn’t want him to get antsy. She also needed to check on Jane and Bruce, because they probably did all-nighters with no food.

 

No time for food when there is science! to be done.

 

She finished up, moisturized, got dressed, and wrapped her hair up in a towel before heading out.

 

“Sergeant Barnes has relocated himself to the common floor,” JARVIS informed, and she nodded, leaning back on the elevator wall as he took her there.

 

The doors opened and Darcy stepped out, sliding her fuzzy pink socks along the floor as she moved. Bruce was standing by the kettle, fixing himself a cup of tea. He was still in his lab coat so she’d guessed right with that all-nighter. Bucky was seated at the island with his Starkpad in hand. His hair was up in a bun again, and it looked wet, and his black long sleeved shirt was super tight, and his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, because Harry Potter deserved that, and honestly…it was super hot.

 

Bucky Barnes was super hot.

 

He looked up and met her eyes.

 

“Good morning Darcy.”

 

She blinked out of her stupor and smiled at Bruce who was watching her with an eyebrow raised.

 

“Morning Brucey,” she said, willing her blush to go down. She hugged him carefully, mindful of his mug, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. “How was science!?”

 

“Science-ey, I suppose. I think Jane is still down there. I’m headed for a nap.”

 

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Two-for-two. I’m on a roll. Will your sleep schedule be okay?” she asked, getting the ingredients out for oatmeal.

 

“I have no sleep schedule. Tough habit to break.”

 

It would be though, having spent such a long time on the run. She nodded solemnly. “I’m making oatmeal, if you want some.”

 

“I’ll pass on that, but thank you for offering,” he said with a smile, lifting the cup up in goodbye and heading off.

 

Darcy watched him leave before turning to meet Bucky’s gaze. They watched each other for a moment.

 

“Sleep well?” she asked, breaking the silence.

 

He shrugged.

 

“I did, I guess. Called my mom to ask for advice. I didn’t tell her everything, like who you are and whatever, but I’m gonna call my grandma for recipes. Even food that’s supposed to be gross tastes good when she makes it.”

 

Darcy turned her attention to the stove.

 

“Did the old man know Harry was being abused?”

 

Darcy whirled back around.

 

“You are reading it! Awesome! That’s kinda up for debate, I think.”

 

Bucky blinked. “If he’s so strong, how’d he not know?”

 

“Buddy, I feel the same way. I read it when I was a kid and nearly everybody was an angel until I got older and like…the discourse dude…the total discourse I could lay on Harry Potter’s mistreatment is dissertation worthy. But I don’t wanna spoil anything for you.”

 

He frowned, turning back to his book, and she looked back at the stove.

 

“S’wrong,” he mumbled.

 

“It’s very wrong,” she agreed, smiling to herself.

 

Trust Harry Potter to get someone talking. “After you read the books, we can watch the movies too, if you want.”

 

He didn’t answer, and she glanced back to see him completely focused on the screen. Adorable. The oatmeal was well on its way to finish and she grabbed some fresh fruit to add, slicing up some strawberries, bananas, and blueberries, adding them to each bowl.

 

“Here you go,” she said, placing a bowl by him. “I’m just give this to Jane. Back in a bit.”

 

He nodded absentmindedly, and she went down to Jane’s labs.

 

“JANEY!”

 

“WHAT? Oh, Darcy. Is that breakfast?” she asked excitedly, getting up.

 

“That it is, and you’re going to eat this entire bowl and go your ass to sleep.”

 

Jane pouted, grabbing the bowl and taking a spoonful. “Oh, how are you feeling?”

 

Darcy thought back to last night, and how spooked she must have look. “Much better, thanks. Nothing a little sleep couldn’t fix.”

 

But only kind of.

 

“I’d stick around but I’ve got a breakfast buddy waiting for me upstairs.”

 

“That’s fine. I’m gonna finish looking this over,” she met Darcy’s glare and laughed, “And then I’ll head up. Promise.”

“Good,” Darcy blew her a kiss and returned to the common floor kitchen.

 

Bucky waited until she sat and both of them ate their meals slowly.

 

He managed to keep it down.

 

~

 

And that’s basically how the days went while everyone was gone. Darcy made daily plans so that Bucky almost always had something to do instead of sit by himself and contemplate his suffering without support.

 

Her Nana provided tons of recipes that they tried, some successful, others failures, and a few huge failures that had Bucky literally keeled over, but they worked through it.

 

Wednesday 

“So these are emojis. I sent you a smiley face. It’s literally like, text emotions. They’re hundreds of them and you can add that to a text to give a vague sense of how you’re feeling. It’s really cute.”

 

She pointed them out on his phone.

 

“You can also use punctuation marks as a way to make different textual expressions. So I’ll text you like so,”

 

_Yoooo ;)_ _\- D_

“It's a semi colon and parenthesis to make a mini-face. You try.”

He glanced between both of their devices before typing slowly on his with his flesh hand. Darcy took note. Would the screen pick up on his metal fingers? She’d have ask Tony about that when he got back.

 

_I am Bucky Barnes :)_ _\- BB_

She smiled.

 

Absolutely adorable.

 

 

Thursday

The two were in Darcy’s living room, him reading, her painting her toes.

 

“Bucky.”

 

He looked up.

 

“Devil’s Kiss or Winter’s Eve?” she asked, holding up two bottles.

 

He considered both before he pointed to the powder blue shade.

 

“Winter’s Eve it is,” she said, and unscrewed the bottle.

 

He put down his tablet and watched as she applied a coat on both feet, fanning them, and repeating the process. She glanced up.

 

“I can paint yours?”

 

He looked at her feet and he flesh hand and sat up.

 

“Awesome!” she said, carefully getting up from the carpet to join him in the couch. “Same shade?”

 

He nodded.

 

She gently took his hand in hers and placed the polish container between her thighs, dipping the brush to apply it.

 

“You have nice nail beds,” she said absentmindedly. When she was done, she blew lightly on his fingers and he blinked at the sensation, watching her lips. “Winter’s Eve for the Winter Soldier,” she mumbled, staring at her handiwork. “Wait, was that your plan? Smooth.”

 

She released his hand and studied her handiwork. “Not bad in my opin-OH! Be right back!”

 

Darcy jumped up and rushed into her room, trying to be mindful of her still wet toes. Bucky watched her go before staring down at his hand, wiggling his flesh fingers.

 

“Back,” called Darcy, plopping down next to him. “I have stickers!” she said excitedly, holding out a glittery sheet of paper.

 

“What?” he asked, forcing himself not to jump at the sound of his own voice. Sometimes it really frightened him, hearing himself speak without being told to.

 

“Here, you pick a surface, like, my phone case, for example,” she said, holding it up.

 

It was covered in markings.

 

“Then you peel it off like these, and there’s-

 

“I know what stickers are. We had stamps,” he interrupted, before clamping his mouth shut.

 

Darcy stared at him wide-eyed. “Did you just…did you just sass me?”

 

There were three exits he could immediately use to run if needed, ranging from three to five seconds if executed with the right maneuv—

 

“Because that’s freakin’ awesome,” she finished, and Bucky felt a headache brewing as he struggled to understand. His confusion must have shown—which was bad on his part as he knew how to conceal expression, he was taught that, but it never seemed to work properly with her—and she rushed to reassure him.

 

“No, Bucky, I’m not mad. I’m…pretty damn excited actually. I knew there was more to that deadpan stare. I kinda like sassy Bucky. You even had a bit of a head bop there. Tell me off more often. It’s hot.”

 

He blushed, still trying to work it out as she held out her hand for a fist bump. Since the polish was still drying, he was forced to use her metal hand. He moved as gently as possible.

 

“Since you get what they are, I kinda wanted to…put them on your metal arm? Since it’s probably better if I don’t put polish on it.”

 

He didn’t quite see the point of decorating a weapon, but there was a look on her face that reminded him of the way Steve would…Steve would…Steve would what? His headache increased.

 

“Bucky?”

 

He blinked. “Okay,” he said, again forcing a memory down.

 

Darcy looked worried for a moment and he controlled his expression, holding out his other arm. She rolled the sleeve up.

 

“These are Hello Kitty stickers. I love hello Kitty. And Pokemon. I’ll get some of those for another time, if you’d like.”

 

The process only took a few minutes.

 

“The lighting in my bathroom is brighter. Wanna get the full effect.”

 

He followed her, and she was correct. There was a fifteen percent increase in lighting. And the arm looked…much different. Somehow, it didn’t look as imposing, and didn’t feel as imposing.

 

“I think it looks nice,” she said softly.

 

 

 

Friday 

 

Darcy had pulled all her pillows, tons of stuffed animals, and a few blankets into the bathroom. Today was a bad day. Nothing Bucky ate stayed down and he looked pale and exhausted, so she made the space as comfortable as she could and set up her laptop.

 

Dirty Dancing was on.

 

“This came out in 1987. Do you remember anything form the 80’s?” she asked quietly.

 

She watched him as he closed his eyes and shuddered a bit from under the blankets, and got ready to help him back to the toilet if he needed, but he stayed put.

 

“Ugly jeans,” he mumbled.

 

Darcy burst into laughter and collapsed against her giant teddy bear. “Yea, that sounds about right,” she said, giggling. “How’s your stomach?”

 

“Up to acceptable standards.”

 

She forced herself not to frown and nodded encouragingly instead. “That sounds better.”

 

They both watched on the screen as Baby ran and Johnny met her, hoisting her up into the air.

 

“I’ve always wanted to do that,” she whispered.

 

Bucky shifted under his blankets and sat up, staring intently at the screen.

 

“You okay?” she asked again, for probably the fiftieth time, but she couldn’t help it. She was a worrier.

 

Instead, he closed his eyes.

 

“Bucky?”

 

“I can…I can do it.”

 

“Err…what?”

 

He pointed to the screen.

 

“The Baby lift? No, this is just some weird teen fantasy I’m talking about. It’s okay.”

 

She hadn’t even meant to say it out loud really, but that brain to mouth filter was always…a mess.

 

He nodded.

 

Darcy bit her lip. Now that he’d offered, though, it really did seem tempting. He was strong, and she wouldn’t be too heavy for him, and he’d probably not try to motorboat her or anything like the sixteen year old assholes did when any of them came near her chest, but the important thing was him being able to lift her, because Darcy was honestly no skinny gal, her curves were something fierce, and it’d be really humiliating, she wasn’t baby, all double 00’s and extra smalls and pretty blond goodness—

 

“Are…are _you_ okay?” Bucky asked softly, tugging at his shirt a little frantically.

 

“Oh, yea, sorry, zoned out there.”

 

“Didn’t mean-I-make you-upset,” he muttered even softer, and Darcy turned to face him, taking his hands in hers.

 

“No, please, it’s okay. I’m okay. I was just thinking, you didn’t upset me, I promise. This girl’s all good, alright. I’m the worry wart here, that’s my job.”

 

He relaxed a bit.

 

…

 

To hell with it.

 

“You know what? Let’s do it. If you’re feeling okay, let’s do it.”

 

He blinked and she stood up, peeling off her socks for safety. He followed her out of her apartment to the main hallway of her floor. She took a few steps back.

 

“Okay, so, you’ve…done this before?” she asked.

 

“No.”

 

“So how…”

 

“Just watched it.”

 

“And now you know?”

 

“S’how I learned things,” he said uncomfortably.

 

Darcy thought about it for a moment. A lot of sight and hands on teaching with megalomaniac Nazis who probably really had no patience or tolerance for mistakes…yea, he was probably a quick learner. She clenched her fist. If she could meet one HYDRA asshole, just one, and deck them in the face, it’d be a fantastic day.

 

“Okay. Okay. So like, I’m gonna run, you’re gonna heroically lift me up into the air no problem, right?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Absolutely sure?”

 

He nodded again.

 

“Alright. JARVIS, the song, please!”

 

(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life blared through the hallway speakers.

 

“Let’s do this.”

 

She took off at a slow run, speeding up as she got closer, and her heart really began to pound, because there were honestly so. many. things. that could go wrong here, the worst with her injuring both of them due to her misplaced need for adventure and immature desires. Just as she got to him, she screamed, “Bucky! Catch me!” and closed her eyes, spread her arms, and prepared for the absolute worst…that never came.

 

She opened her eyes and met sharp wide-eyed blues.

 

“Oh,” she gasped, wobbling. He suddenly lowered her and she instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist for balance.

 

He’d caught her alright.

 

Both were breathing heavily, and Darcy placed her hands on his shoulders.

 

“Wow,” she breathed, and this was the closest she’d ever been to his face, and in this moment, his eyes looked brighter than she’d ever seen them.

 

They were beautiful.

 

Neither moved.

 

He really caught me, she thought, mind whirling.

 

The music cut off.

 

“Miss Lewis, Sergeant Barnes, the Quinjet is approaching the tower,” JARVIS informed softly, seemingly mindful of the…moment…or whatever was happening.

 

They both blinked out of their dazes, and he gently lowered her to the floor.

 

“Maybe…maybe we should go out and meet them,” she mumbled, hands still clasping his shoulders.

 

He nodded, but neither made a movement to leave.

 

“They have just landed,” JARVIS added.

 

“Okay,” se whispered. “Okay…let’s…let’s go.”

 

He nodded, she forced herself to release his shoulders, and to the helipad they went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tons of mini-interactions, one of which will actually be a pretty big deal later on, so....lookout for that. Dirty Dancing indeed ;) 
> 
> Also, just imagine Bucky with painted nails and a decorated arm. He deserves to feel pretty too. 
> 
> Love you!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The love this fic has gotten...I'm v emotional. :')
> 
> Chapter Warnings:
> 
> I didn't think I needed any but feel free to let me know if I need to add some.

Bucky’s mind replayed the feeling of Darcy wrapped around him ceaselessly. It made the walk to the helipad odd. He was hyper aware of Darcy walking silently next to him but the rest of him drifted. When he’d hoisted her above him and their eyes met, they’d been the widest he’d ever seen them. Her gasp when he’d shifted her into his arms, the way her body had suddenly pressed against his…his mind whirled.

 

Voices of the group floated in from outside and he felt James snap to attention. He was always watching but lately hadn’t felt the need to be as hyper aware. Darcy had set up a structure, a basic plan that had him at ease.

 

Breakfast. Free time—which was slightly stressful unless she guided him into an activity— where he read, or watched the clouds from the roof, or listened to music, lunch, snacks in between, dinner…

 

The routine had been calming. Now, however, after a few days of less dangerous observations from the others, the tiny scientist and doctor tucked away from him in their labs, he was once again in unknown territory.

 

Was Steve alright? Had Sam kept him from doing something reckless?

 

His arms gave sudden readings and he glanced over to see Darcy running her fingers against the clenched metal knuckles.

 

“It’s fine. You’re fine,” she whispered and placed a bit of distance between them as they approached the glass sliding doors.

 

James seemed to calm, if only a little.

 

So did he.

 

~

 

Darcy noted that Bucky was still a bit tense and she wished they’d had a few more moments to themselves so she could help him. It was a bit worrying as she’d sort of gotten used to him being a bit more relaxed for the few days they’d had “free”.

 

 

“JARV, can you please order 10 pizzas? Three extra cheese, two pineapple, one vegan, three buffalo ranch, one pepperoni?”

 

“A brilliant idea, Miss Lewis,” he responded.

 

With that done, she geared herself up as well.

 

The Quinjet was already docked and the group was talking outside. It seemed like a hell of a heated discussion, and she definitely heard Bucky’s name mentioned. She glanced over and saw his fists clench further.

 

 

“Yoo! Welcome back!” she said loudly, interrupting their super secret shady argument.

 

As she expected, some whirled around all dramatic and whatever and others, like the Twinsassins calmly looked their way.

 

She hoped they left the recon to them

 

“Titstacular! I missed you!” Tony exclaimed, and she snorted before rushing up and pulled him into a delicate hug, mindful that he might have some sort of hidden injury.

 

“Did you call Pepper? Let her know you’re back?” she asked, “She called me earlier, as in, ass crack of dawn early, ranting about rude board members. She shut them down, of course, but I figured you’d wanna know.”

 

Tony blinked down at her, eyes darkening.

 

“JARVIS, call Pep for me? I’ll take it in the workshop.”

 

He gave Darcy an unexpected kiss on her forehead and walked off.

 

Good luck to those board members. Next.

 

She turned to the rest of the group, ready to address them when Jane came running through the doors and into Thor’s arms. He laughed loudly, twirling her around him circles before he set her down and kissed her deeply. It was sickeningly cute.

 

Bruce appeared at the doorway with a mug in his hand and lifted it up in a salute.

 

“Check on Tony please? Make sure he’s not hurt. He’ll let you,” Darcy said, the the good doctor rolled his eyes and headed Tony’s way.

 

Another thing settled.

 

Maria tensed from where she was standing with Natasha and Clint and Darcy turned just in time to see Bucky walk over to Steve. There was a moment of silence as Bucky seemed to look Steve up and down, and he must have liked what he saw because he nodded and took a few steps back.

 

“Buck,” said Steve, seeming at a loss, “How were things while we were gone?”

 

“Fine,” Bucky answered, and everyone jumped.

 

That kind of annoyed Darcy, real talk, because Bucky knew how to speak, he just chose not to or wasn’t ready. But he still had a voice. It really shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise.

 

Clint sauntered over to her and pulled her into a one armed hug. Darcy turned around and embraced him fully.

 

“You okay?” she asked softly, keeping an eye on Bucky as she asked.

 

He stepped back and pointed at his ears. Hearing-aids were off.

 

“You okay?” she asked again, so he could read her lips.

 

“Always, spitfire,” he answered. “Why, you were worried?”

 

“Don’t play with me,” she mumbled, and he laughed softly.

 

Sam was speaking quietly and Bucky seemed okay, so she let him handle things. He would be alright. He was strong like that. She punched Clint and walked over to Natasha.

 

“Tasha.”

 

“Kotonyok,” Natasha answered fondly.

 

Darcy pulled her into a hug. “Glad you guys are alright. You’ve had a lot of missions lately. We need girl time.”

 

“I’m free for a bit.”

 

“Good. I’ll get Pepper and Jane involved. We’ll paint our nails, trade vibrator tips, it’ll be like old times. You in, Maria?”

 

“I’d never say no to a good vibrator discussion. Who do you think I am?”

 

The three giggled, and it was great, because here Darcy was with two of the most dangerous women in the world and she got to laugh with them about sex and stuff.

 

Hell yeah.

 

She gave Maria a quick kiss on the cheek and walked over to Clint, tapping him to get his attention.

  
“I literally order like, 10 pizza pies—

 

“Bitchin’,” Clint interrupted, and she rolled her eyes.

 

“So it’s windy and gross out here and I think we should move to the kitchens. Get some beers out, chill.”

 

She herded them all inside. Bucky caught her eye and she nodded at him encouragingly as he and Steve spoke. Well, Steve did the talking, but it looked like things were going pretty smoothly between them, and Sam helped move things along, bless him.

 

Darcy liked when her family was taken care of.

 

~

 

Bucky was pleased to see Steve with no injury. Good.

 

He let Steve’s voice wash over him, everything really, as the group all moved and talked and did so many things at once. James was hovering. Natalia was seated a few chairs away from him and was well aware he knew she was watching him, so he did her a favor and turned to meet her gaze. He cocked his head to the side.

 

The one temporarily in charge, Maria, leaned against the counter. She also stared. She was less of a threat but still very, very dangerous. The archer was loud and jovial but Bucky knew he was alert.

 

“They’re watching because you look different.”

 

Bucky turned to meet Sam’s eyes.

 

Different how?

 

“More relaxed, dude. It’s a good look on you. I’m glad.”

 

The smile on his face was genuine. Bucky…liked(?) genuine. Liars made him trigger-happy.

 

The pizza arrived and Bucky watched as Darcy took command, placing beers in hands and passing out paper plates and loading preferred slices per person. He also took notice that she took concern with everyone but herself. It was easier to notice now that he was more familiar with her and watched her work in a croweded environment.

 

It was unsettling.

 

She placed a plain cheese slice before him and he stared down at it. Finally, when everyone was eating, he caught her eye and she slowly peeled the cheese off her slice, miming for him to follow.

 

It was oily and would probably make him sick. He followed her instructions.

 

“JARVIS, please tell Tony and Bruce to get their asses up here, and tell Thor and Jane to stop making out in the bathroom like horny teenagers.”

 

“Certainly.”

 

Sam laughed as he downed half of his beer in one sip.

 

Bucky expanded his focus so he could take in as much of the room around him while he ate.

 

It was…tolerable.

 

“What is that?”

 

The tone in Steve’s voice immediately drew his attention. Bucky looked over and saw Steve focused on his flesh hand.

 

“Nail polish,” Bucky answered simply. He put his slice down.

 

“We painted our nails the other day. Winter’s Eve. Pun intended,” Darcy laughed, walking over to Bucky’s side. “Also, I put Hello Kitty stickers on the arm. How cute is that?”

 

Steve slowly stood up. “Do you think this is a joke?”

 

The room went silent.

 

“What?” Darcy asked.

 

“I asked if you think this is a joke. He’s a recovering trauma victim, not a puppet for you to paint.”

 

Bucky stared down at his pizza, and then at his nails.

 

“Are you serious right now? What, you think I forced him to paint his nails? How would I even manage that?”

 

“He doesn’t know better—

 

“He’s right there, Steve. I never forced him to do anything—

 

“Not everything is a joke, Darcy—

 

Bucky suddenly stood up, pushed Darcy behind him into his seat, and got into Steve’s face in one smooth motion. Natalia and Maria drew their weapons at his sudden movement but he drew his as well, aiming his gun in their direction. He would not miss.

 

“Woah!” yelled Sam, standing up as well.

 

Bucky stepped closer to Steve until they were inches apart. “Yell at her again, and it _will_ get serious.”

 

James trembled.

 

~

 

Darcy’s mouth dropped. One minute she had the full discontent of Captain Freaking America aimed at her and the next, Bucky was in Steve’s face, everyone’s guns were drawn and she was sitting down.

 

The tension in the room settled heavier in her stomach than the pizza. She stared at the gun in Bucky’s hand with growing horror. She didn’t even know he was packing, but then again, she should have.

 

“Bucky, put the gun down,” Sam said calmly. He raised his hands in a gesture of surrender.

 

“Shut up,” Bucky responded, and Darcy could only imagine what his expression must have been like for Steve to look so pale.

 

This needed to end. Not only where people she cared about aiming and ready to shoot to kill each other, Bucky was doing this because Steve was mad at her and she didn’t want him to hurt his best friend over her…she wasn’t worth it. She would never be worth it.

 

“JARVIS, Tony knows what’s up?”

 

“Sir is aware of the situation.”

 

“Bruce okay? I think he should stay for a minute.”

 

“Sir thought the same. They are waiting.”

 

 

She got up and moved to get in between Bucky and Steve.

 

“You would do well to step back, my good Captain,” Thor spoke up from across the room. Jane peered out from behind him.

 

Bucky remained completely still as Steve stumbled back and Sam steadied because he was probably in shock or whatever. Bucky didn’t break his gaze with the other man though. No, he stared with rapt, menacing attention.

 

“Bucky, it’s okay. Can you look at me, please?” she asked, but he didn’t budge, nor did his glance waver, and there was something shifting in his eyes that had her stomach clench in actual terror.

 

No no no, hell no, HELL NO.

 

“Absolutely not. This is not happening, you hear me? What, you think I can’t handle Captain Sweetheart over there? What was he gonna do, hit me? C’mon, I wouldn’t even feel it, He’s a teddy bear. Let’s get real here.”

 

“Darcy,” said Natasha warningly, and nah, it was not gonna go down like this.

 

Darcy cupped Bucky’s face in her hands and she literally felt the tension go up a few levels. A little more and it’d reach its final form.

 

“Darcy!” Maria yelled.

 

“Hey,” she said softly, ignoring everyone but him. “James, I got this,” she whispered, looking him in the eye.

 

Bucky finally looked away from Steve, and at her. Addressing James got his attention. James didn’t need to make an appearance. Then things would really heat up and people would get hurt. Nobody needed to bleed out at a pizza party. They’d all just come back from fighting the enemy. The tower was a place of peace.

  
“Bucky, can you put the gun away? Please?”

 

He blinked.

 

“I don’t want blood on the pizza,” and damn, was she rambling, but she was also super panicked right now so she didn’t take her lack of filter to heart.

 

“He can’t hurt me,” she said.

 

“He can,” he answered, voice rough with barely restrained violence.

 

“He wont,” she reassured. “I tazed Thor. I can handle a cranky Steve Rogers.”

 

His eyebrows furrowed but held her stare.

 

“Everyone, put your weapons down. Honestly, this is super excessive.”

 

“Not until he does,” Natasha said simply, and Maria was always against Bucky’s unlimited free reign, not out of spite, but out of experience, and Clint wouldn’t put his down unless Natasha did, and there was no convincing Natasha when she made up her mind, so…

 

“Bucky, I need you to trust me. Put your weapon away. Steve wont hurt me, and they wont hurt you. I know you can protect me, and you know you can protect yourself, gun or not. So please, please, put your gun away.”

 

There was a moment of tense silence that nearly drove Darcy to her knees until he finally, finally, put his weapon back from wherever the hell it’d materialized from. She moved slightly so she was in Clint’s line of sight.

 

“Now the rest of you. Put them away.”

 

She used her Darcy Lewis Voice of No Nonsense. Bucky’d left himself vulnerable at her request and it was time for her to balance things out.

 

They did.

 

She let out a breath. Nobody seemed to know what to do, but Tony and Bruce appeared.

 

“So, now that you’re all done with your dick-waving contest, I’ll have a pepperoni,” he announced, sauntering in with Bruce in tow.

 

Steve jumped out of his stupor and rushed from the room, and Sam followed.

 

Maria crossed her arms. “You haven’t been cleared to hold weapons.”

 

“Rip my arm off then,” Bucky answered, and yea, he was super charged and super hostile right now, it was time to go.

 

“Bucky, let’s go take a walk. Wanna go take a walk?”

 

He didn’t answer but followed her out down the hallway into what they'd unofficially dubbed their 'safe space': a bathroom.  She shut the door behind him before whirling around and taking both his hands in hers.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked.

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and another, and another, body trembling.

 

“That’s it. Deep breaths. You wanna sit down? Feel sick?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“Just need a moment then?”

 

He nodded.

 

She let him have that moment, but kept his hands in hers, because his head might be all over but she wanted him to feel her right there at that moment and know he was not alone. She wanted him to stay grounded. It was alright. It was honestly alright.

 

He opened his eyes. They seemed clearer this time.

 

“Better?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Steve was rude. He completely misunderstood everything and he was rude and super confrontational and I appreciate you stepping in. I could have handled it but it was still cool and actually really badass. But please, don’t let this mess with what you and Steve are working towards. He didn’t mean for this. I know it.”

 

Bucky shrugged, and she decided to let him process all of that when he was alone. It would probably be easier for him.

 

“Also,” she whispered, stepping closer, “Thank you. James. Bucky. For trusting me. I know that wasn’t easy, but thank you.”

 

~

 

 

It was exactly four hours and twenty-three minutes later while Bucky was seated on his bed, making it through the Chamber of Secrets when Steve knocked on his door. He knew it was Steve because there was a certain way he would knock that Bucky was oddly familiar with.

 

His head twinged and an image of Steve, much smaller, barreling into his kitchen while his mom was stirring something—he shook his head and shoved the memory down. For a moment, the headache became more intense before it faded.

 

He let out a deep breath.

 

“Bucky?”

 

Bucky was feeling too chaotic for words so he got up and opened the door. Steve took a deep breath.

 

“Hey Buck. Can I come in?”

 

Bucky stepped aside and Steve walked in with a plastic bag in hand. Bucky eyed it. Steve dumped the contents on the bed. There were various bottles of nail polish and other things that Bucky didn’t recognize.

 

“Sam was explaining some stuff to me. I was wrong today. I always did have a bad temper, not that that’s any excuse. Shoulda realized that you’re capable of making your own decisions, especially something as simple as nail polish.”

 

Bucky shut the door and walked over.

 

“So after Sam told me off, I went online and looked up nail stuff. I fancy myself a bit of an artist I guess—

 

An image of Steve tracing his frail hand and coloring multiple designs—he ignored it.

 

“—and I’m a quick learner, so, to make it up for me being a jackass, I was wonderin’ if you’d let me, uh, paint your nails. Not erase what Darcy did, but…add to it, I guess.”

 

Bucky blinked. He didn’t expect that at all. He moved and sat on the bed facing Steve and held out his flesh hand. Steve smiled and sat across from him. He grabbed one of the tools.

 

“The gal in the video said this brush was good for designs,” he mumbled as he worked, dipping it into the red polish.

 

Bucky held his hand steady as Steve added small replicas of his shield to each of his fingers. It was a tedious process, but Steve was good at it. Steve was always good, in the end. He watched the way he stuck out his tongue in concentration.

 

“I was real jerk back there, wasn’t I?” he asked, breaking the silence.

 

Bucky nodded.

 

“It’s late now, but first thing tomorrow, I’m gonna apologize to Darcy. She didn’t derseve that. Also, Thor gave me the cold shoulder.”

 

This was the most he and Steve had spoken in…a long time. Just…strange and simple conversation. The stiff way that Steve seemed to carry himself around him was basically nonexistent. He room was warm, and Steve was oddly soft, painting his nails in the middle of the night.

 

_“D’you like it Buck? I know I’m not too good but I think I got your eyes okay.”_

_“You kidding me, Stevie? It’s perfect!”_

Bucky shook his head.

 

“Is it alright?” Steve asked, worried, and Bucky nodded.

 

This was…alright. He, however, was not.

 

Steve finally finished and leaned back to look it over. “D’you like it, Buck? I know I’m not too good but I think I got the shield okay.”

 

Bucky’s head spun and he let his hand settle on his knee to dry, forcing himself to keep his breathing even.

 

“I…I’ll leave you too it. Feel free to ask me if you want other designs. I don’t mind learning.”

 

Bucky nodded, and Steve cleared the things off the bed and left them on his desk.

 

“G’night Buck.”

 

“Thank you,” Bucky answered instead.

 

Steve turned back and smiled. It was genuine. Genuine was good.

 

“Anytime.”

 

He shut the door behind him.

 

~

 

It was another hour that Bucky spent processing everything that happened before he was finally able to fall asleep. He thought back to what Darcy had said while she’d held his hands.

 

To him and to James.

 

She too, was genuine.

 

_“Thank you. James. Bucky. For trusting me. I know that wasn’t easy, but thank you.”_

No, Bucky thought, just before he drifted off, it wasn’t hard at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Protective!Bucky (◡‿◡✿)  
> Protective!Darcy (◡‿◡✿)
> 
> Bucky repressing already repressed memories... :///////
> 
> P.S. I cried over the Civil War trailer.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I turned a year older on Thursday. It was nice. Your lovely comments continue to bring me joy. :)
> 
> Chapter Warnings:
> 
> Mildly sexual mentions, panic attacks, references to torture, vomiting, references to eating disorders

Bucky was used to nightmares. He was used to being in pain inside and out, and waking up flushed, gasping, sweating, and trembling.

 

What he wasn’t used to, however, was waking up flushed, gasping, sweating, trembling, and _hard_.

 

He sat up in his bed and ran his flesh-hand through his damp hair. He definitely wouldn’t call what he’d had a nightmare. All his dreams, almost always bad were memory related and this time he’d dreamt of women in sun dresses and bright red lipstick, kissing him in the back of the cinema, taking his hand and slipping it under their skirts, moaning as he rocked into them, yanking his hand out of a girl and jumping out her bedroom window when her dad caught them, sneaking back in and finishing her off when her father left, going to her older brother’s room next, Darcy, staring at him with wide eyes and legs wrapped tightly around him, breast pressed against his chest, mouth parted in shoc—

 

He cut off that line of thought and got out of bed. There was no way he was going to get any more rest while feeling this amped up so he might as well take care of this in the shower.

 

He remembered how to do that much.

 

~

 

 

Darcy yelped as she was flipped onto her back for, damn if she knew, the eighth time…maybe? Before Darcy’s body could truly register the fact that it was on the ground, Natasha was on top of her, pinning her wrists to the mat.

 

“I surrender, Jesus,” Darcy moaned as she fought to catch her breath.

 

Natasha tightened her grip and studied Darcy stoically. “What’s going on with you and Barnes?” she asked.

 

Stress level: 1000

 

“What do you mean?” Darcy asked in response. She attempted to twist her wrists out of Natasha’s grip and then her mind caught up to her, making her wonder why she’d even tried.

 

“No, kotonyok, don’t give up. Get used to the pain of having your wrists bound tightly. It will help you should you ever be trapped with the enemy. They’re counting on you having a civilian’s pain tolerance.”

 

Darcy tried again and grimaced as her wrists turned red under the stress.

 

“So. You. Barnes.” Natasha continued.

 

“What do you mean?” Darcy tried again.

 

Natasha rolled her eyes.  “He threatened Steve, brandished an unauthorized weapon—

 

“Well it certainly didn’t help when you guys went all Rambo in return—

 

“And you stepped into his space between him and his target where none of us could protect you—

 

“From what though?”

 

Natasha paused. “Are you serious?”

 

“Who put you up to this anyways? Was it Maria?”

 

“Nobody puts me up to anything. I make my own decisions. You know that.”

 

Darcy rolled her eyes and tried to escape again.

 

“Better this time. Pain level?”

 

“Pretty bad, actually.”

 

Natasha released her but stayed atop. “He isn’t in control, Darcy.”

 

“How do you know that?” asked Darcy, and any trace of joke vanished completely.

 

Natasha responded in kind. “No, you tell me. What about his level of control do you think you know better than the rest of us? We’ve come full circle.”

 

“I know a lot of things about Bucky that you guys don’t, but I can’t, no, actually, I can blame you, because you’re all to busy scanning him for weapons and waiting for him to snap to see anything else. Ask him about his day. Say hi to him, maybe. Greet him with something other than thinly veiled threats. Is he one-hundred percent? Obviously not, give me a little credit, honestly. But from what I saw in that kitchen, he only responded when he felt threatened.”

 

“When _you_ felt threatened.”

 

Darcy shrugged that off. She herself was still trying to work through that. “Nobody else here will talk to him about Harry Potter, so, maybe I’m higher up on the list than people constantly ready to shoot him on sight. What a thought. But while we’re surfing this interrogation wave, let me hop on my surfboard real-quick. What type of mission did you need everyone minus Bruce for? Because there sure as hell weren’t any aliens, Jane would have caught that, and nothing showed up on the news either. The Avengers counting Thor and Tony don’t really do ‘stealth’ missions. So I’m totes curious.”

 

Natasha stared her down for an entire minute. Darcy honestly counted every second, it was that intense. Natasha kept a blank face and rolled off onto her feet.

 

“Yea so, I don’t have to answer just like you don’t, I guess,” Darcy added. She released a deep breath and splayed her fingers out against the mat, staring up while Natasha performed a bout of intense stretches.

 

Her body was flawless. Darcy was pretty jealous, actually, as she sat up and stared at the small rolls of her stomach. She forced herself to look away and did a few cool-down stretches of her own.

 

“You did good today.”

 

“Thanks,” Darcy answered, still a little cross.

 

“Always a pleasure,” Natasha responded. She grabbed her water bottle and tossed her one last look before heading out.

 

“Damn it,” Darcy muttered.

 

She fell back onto the mat.

 

~

 

 

Bucky’s pace was steady. Steve ran exactly twelve feet ahead, Sam nearly thirty. He refrained from showing…annoyance? Yes, that’s what it was. It fell in line with anger. Anger was easy. Anger was always.

 

Their objective was to protect him. It was burdensome, because Bucky’s objective was to protect Steve, and that was difficult when Steve purposefully put himself in the line of fire for Bucky. Something foreign and familiar—how confusing—nudged at his brain as if this was something common to him.

 

_Steve, small, battered, bleeding, fists cocked. “You ain’t gonna fight ‘em alone, Buck.”_

_“For Chrissake, step back, idiot. Your Ma’s gonna gimme eyes if you come hooe half dead again.”_

_“Half dead with you, jerk.”_

_“Pu—_

Bucky shook his head and quite literally shoved the memory down as far as he could get it. His head felt clouded, but he ignored the pain. Pain was almost always 95% tolerable.

 

The memory pushed back. No, memories. All of them that he kept forcing away struggled to burst out, yawning open from the mangled void that was his mind and, God, his head _ached_.

 

He took off. He heard Sam’s startled shout behind him and Steve jumped as he blew past. He needed to go faster. He focused on the path of park before him, speeding past joggers who gasped, barely catching a glimpse of him. He could run for a very long time. Hours of torture and conditioning made sure of that, never slowing pace as time went by, even when his lungs started to shudder and his legs turned to fire and his arm whirred at the sheer physical exhaustion, he kept going. He probably lapped the entire park, 7, 8, 9, 15, 22 times before his hearing cut out completely, and he couldn’t even think, just kept moving, moving, moving, don’t you dare stop, solider, do you wish to hurt again, not that I mind, I love hearing you scream, look at it, it shit itself, zap it again, if you stop running, I’ll split your balls and stitch them to your thighs, you know I will, you know I love to see you pain, so you don’t stop running, you hear me, you don’t stop running, so he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran—

 

Steve caught him in a tackle just as he was about to fly past him again. The two of them tumbled and rolled until the back of Bucky’s head smacked the pavement below him and Steve wrestled him down.

 

“Jesus, Bucky,” Steve gasped, and rolled off of him to yank him up and cradle him in his arms. “Oh God, try and slow your breathing.”

 

Bucky read his lips through greying vision and half-lidded eyes. He still couldn’t hear.

 

Sam moved into his line of sight, showed his hands, and then gently touched, his forehead, his shoulder, and then his chest. “Breathe, Bucky,” he said. In through your nose, 5 seconds, out through your mouth, 10 seconds. Can you do that for me?”

 

Bucky complied. It took longer than was acceptable for his body to return to proper form. Had he been with HYDRA…

 

He sat up and pushed Steve’s arms from around him. Sam handed him a bottle of water. Bucky took it and sipped at it slowly until his stomach settled, and then he stood up. They both got followed.

 

“You good, man?”

 

“Operational,” he responded and glanced Steve’s way when the man flinched.

 

The look on his face held a pain that Bucky couldn’t handle, not right now, so he turned around and started walking.

 

“Back to the tower then?” Steve asked in a trembling voice.

 

Bucky nodded.

 

The walk back was tense, the elevator ride up to their floor was stifling, and the stack of food awaiting them on the table was nearly enough to send Bucky running again.

 

“I called ahead and had some sandwiches ordered.”

 

He walked mechanically to his bathroom and washed his hands before staring at himself in the reflection. He looked…incredibly unbalanced.

 

He didn’t want it.

 

He marched back to the table and joined the others. Steve placed three full sandwiches on a plate and slid it Bucky’s way. Bucky stared down at the loaded plate.

 

“You really burned yourself out there, Buck. You gotta get something solid in your stomach to balance everything out again.”

 

Steve was speaking from experience. Steve did not have his mangled stomach, so his experience was wrong. It was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

He ate every last crumb and for some strange reason, took pleasure in the pain it brought him.

 

It hurt.

 

~

 

“Miss Lewis.”

 

Darcy looked blearily up at the ceiling from where she sat, windows tinted, living-room dark and curled up on her couch. Her head was heavy. Her fingers twitched. She glanced at her pantry.

 

“Yes, JARV?” she answered softly.

 

“I believe Sergeant Barnes requires your assistance.”

 

She cursed and jumped up.

 

“Where is he?”

 

“In his bathroom, though I must warn you, Captain Rogers and Sam Wilson are in the apartment. You will have to pass them to get to him.”

 

Damn it, she’d forgotten about lunch. How could she forget about lunch?

 

“This day can eat my whole ass,” she mumbled angrily. She ran to her room and grabbed Order of the Phoenix from her bookshelf before rushing into the elevator.

 

JARVIS immediately brought her to Bucky’s floor. She stepped off as soon as the doors opened and walked into the room, Sam and Steve stared at her from the kitchen.

 

“Miss Lewis, I mean, Darcy,” Steve startled, standing up. “I’ve been meaning to catch you alone—

 

“Give me a second? I’m just gonna give this book for Bucky. This one’s next in the series and I figured he should try the physical copy this time.”

 

Steve blinked. “Oh, okay, but he had a bit of a rough day, I don’t know if he needs to be disturbed right now.”

 

“Yea, you don’t know, which means you aren’t certain, which means there is a chance that he wouldn’t mind being disturbed too, right? Bucky’s a big boy. He can say no.”

 

Sam looked at her in a much more focused way than she was used too from him. “He can do that now, huh? Tell people no if they ask to come in?”

 

Screw him and his ultra perceptiveness. “Um—

 

“Steve, I think it’ll be alright.”

 

“Bu—

 

“Steven.”

 

Steve seemed to deflate and sat down. He made that lost puppy look and Darcy frowned. Yea, they definitely needed to have a talk but not right now.

 

She nodded at both of them, walked to Bucky’s room and felt Sam’s eyes on her the entire way until she was out of sight. She opened the door and locked it behind her. “JARVIS, play music please?”

 

Steve would hear Bucky vomiting and that would really, really, make things worse. She took a deep breath and walked into the bathroom. Bucky was standing stock still but as soon as she stepped in he jumped into motion.

 

Darcy cursed and dropped to his side. She quickly pulled his hair back. It was soaked.

 

“Oh, Bucky. I screwed up. I forgot about lunch.”

 

He answered her with a deep cough and a retch that curdled her stomach. “Can I try something?”

 

He vomited into the bowl again before nodding. She rubbed his back for a moment, then leaned further into his space, slid her hand under his sweatshirt, and rubbed his bare stomach.

 

Holy abs, Batman!

 

He was soaked with sweat and it coated her hand but she ignored it, feeling his stomach clench up as he once again heaved into the bowl. She had to find a better solution to this. Steve was unintentionally overfeeding him. He had no idea and he truly meant well, and from his standpoint giving Bucky this amount of food made complete sense so she couldn’t fault him for it at all.

 

Secrets hurt.

 

She shifted herself so that she was pressed against his back and used both hands to massage at his stomach lightly.

 

“Let it all out,” she whispered.

 

It was another ten minutes before Bucky finally leaned forward and flushed the toilet. He shut the toilet cover and leaned his head against it.

 

“I think you should shower. Just scrub all this away.”

 

The shower turned on automatically because JARVIS was good like that. Bucky gingerly stood up and walked in fully clothed, closing the shower glass behind him. It tinted so she wouldn’t see anything. Darcy took a deep breath and stood up. She set his toothbrush out with toothpaste. Then she walked into his room and looked through his bedroom door, finding a comfy sweater, pajama pants, and underwear.

 

He was in desperate need of some clothing. She set them on the counter and shut the bathroom door.

 

Okay. That was rough. The atmosphere in Bucky’s room was dark. Maybe now was the time to talk to Steve, get a little break while Bucky was in the shower. She walked out of his room quietly and made her way to the kitchen but stopped short.

 

Sam had Steve’s hand in his, and he rubbed softly at his knuckles. He was whispering and Steve nodded occasionally.

 

Whoops. Maybe not.

 

She backtracked and tiptoed back to Bucky’s room. Best let them have their moment. Darcy shut the door behind her. JARVIS lowered the volume and Darcy took a seat on Bucky’s bed. She closed her eyes, listened to the music, and breathed in and out.

 

In and out.

 

She was in control.

 

“Miss Lewis, Sergeant Barnes is showered, dressed, and seated on the floor.”

 

Oh, Bucky.

 

She gently knocked and opened the door. His face was completely blank. He was completely shutting down. His hair was still soaking wet.

 

“We’re almost done, okay? Can you sit on the toilet for me?”

 

He did.

 

She grabbed a fresh towel and rubbed softly at his hair, trying to absorb as much moisture as possible.

 

“Am I with Bucky or James?”

 

He didn’t answer.

 

“Either is okay,” she said with a shrug, “I just don’t want to call you the wrong thing.”

 

She tossed the towel.

 

“Okay, next, let’s brush your teeth.”

 

He got up and moved to the sink. She watched him his stilted movements and after a moment, he began to hunch in on himself.

 

“Okay, it’s fine, spit, you’re done.”

 

He did as told and looked to her for more instructions. She took his hand—the metal one—because she didn’t want him to think that she was afraid of it, even in moments like this where he seemed to be losing himself.

 

He followed her and she guided him to his bed and climbed in, giving him room. “I’ll get you something to eat when you wake up, okay?”

 

His eyes were already fluttering shut. She ran a hand through his damp hair and he leaned into the touch. Darcy repeated the action over and over.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered again.

 

Unsurprisingly, the combination of music, a warm bed, and complete and utter exhaustion was more than enough to lull her to sleep as well. Her hand sleepily found his metal one again.

 

JARVIS dimmed the lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're not doing so good. We're kind of heading into darker territory. :/


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late happy new year. A longer chapter to make up for the long wait. You guys are lovely.
> 
> Warnings:
> 
> mentions of eating disorder, panic attack, mentions of transphobia

Bucky woke up first. His eyes fluttered open and immediately zoomed in on the bed’s other occupant. Her breath was steady, ghosting across his neck from where she clung to him. One of her legs was wedged between his.

 

Ok.

 

He blinked and shifted back a little so he could stare at her face. Her mouth was open in a soft pout and her hair was wildly strewn about. She snuffed and tightened her grip on his shirt, tugging, but since he was much heavier, only succeeded in pulling herself back into his space.

 

Ok.

 

His left arm was draped around her middle and he wondered how she was still comfortably asleep. It was heavy. It was deadly.

 

“You can’t stir pizza. You put it in the toaster,” she mumbled. “Silly goose.”

 

He blinked again and glanced at his window. The sun was still out. It had only been…exactly three hours and twenty-eight minutes.

 

Bucky let his eyes fall shut again.

 

He was content to lie in bed for a bit longer.

 

~

 

Darcy snorted not once, not twice, but three times before her eyes opened.

 

“Wha?” she asked dazedly, curling around the hella comfy pillow that was warm and breathed and had a heartbeat…

 

Oh.

 

Instead of panicking and throwing herself off the bed—the latter of the two impossible because his arm was around her—she instead shifted back a little to actually see what situation she’d gotten herself into. His face was relaxed but she knew he was probably aware, even in his sleep. She studied it. His eyelashes were super long. She was kinda jealous. His lips were…very, very pink. She licked her own. From this close…he was super attractive. No, that was a lie. Even from afar she’d appreciated his physique. It was just…different to be wrapped up in his arms and pressed against him and, yup, her leg was in between his. She’d even wormed her hands underneath his sweater and clutched at his undershirt—what the hell Darcy, clingy much???—so she slowly moved them out. His eyes blinked open.

 

Bright green eyes met sharp blue ones. They stared at each other. It was oddly dramatic for two people just…lying in bed.

 

“Hey,” she finally said.

 

He didn’t answer but his eyes were aware.

 

“You okay?” she asked softly, and he nodded.

 

“Is James okay too?”

 

He blinked slowly and nodded again.

 

“That’s good. You should probably get something in your stomach though. That was some major puke-age you had going on earlier and I’m guessing you’d just come back from a run and like…you gotta eat something. Especially with your, uh…metabolism.”

 

He frowned and it was cute.

 

“Just a little, even if it’s like, a granola bar. Those are oddly filling.”

 

His expression evened out so she figured he was alright with that. She slid out of the bed.

 

“You can stay here where it’s comfy and I’ll be back in a bit,” she said as she walked out.

 

She walked down the hallway into the kitchen where Steve was seated with his sketchbook opened on the table. He looked up as if he were just noticing her presence but she knew he could probably here her fart at a concert, but she appreciated the effort nonetheless.

 

He closed the sketchbook and fixed her with a ‘ready for battle’ stare. Guess that well needed talk was happening now.

 

She sighed.

 

“Let me put the kettle on first.”

 

He watched her as she maneuvered herself around his kitchen with what she knew were practiced hands but stayed silent until she seated herself across from him.

 

They watched each other silently.

 

Darcy kept her face carefully blank, which she knew that he knew wasn’t like her but, hey, tough. She wasn’t going to go first.

 

He finally acquiesced.

 

“What happened…in the kitchen, with the nail polish. It…it shouldn’t have happened.”

 

“What, Bucky with nail polish on in general or you being a dick?”

 

He frowned. “Me being a dick.”

 

“Oh, okay, good, just needed a bit of clarity.”

 

Steve looked away from her and fiddled with his hands nervously. She took pity and sighed.

 

“Steve.”

 

He met her eyes again.

 

“Bucky is not okay.” He blinked and looked ready to say something but she plowed on, “But he’s not incapable of all the things you think he is. He didn’t panic or sweat or drop into convulsions when I asked if he wanted to paint his nails. He considered it and then he said yes. If he says yes to something, or no to something, attacking that choice is the fastest way to shut him down. You can’t come after his small victories all the time.”

 

He stared at her, hard. “You’re right,” he answered, voice oddly flat.

 

What Darcy did expect was for Steve to frown and nod reluctantly and maybe gripe a little and then accept what she was saying. What she absolutely DID NOT expect was for him to burst into actual gut-wrenching sobs.

 

She blanched and he curled his arms protectively around himself.

 

Holy emotions Batman!

 

“Steve,” she whispered, slack jawed.

 

“I keep messing up with him. I finally got him back and everything I do is wrong,” he sobbed, and when he looked up to her, she didn’t see the young man who always stood tall and proud plastered across magazines and propaganda posters…she saw a man who had been ripped from everything he knew, finally settled, somewhat, only to have everything ripped from him again.

 

His true age showed in his eyes. She got up and sat in the chair next to him, reached forward, and pulled him into her arms.

 

“Okay,” she said softly.

 

Here she was coming at Steve when he was already coming at himself.

 

“Okay,” she said again.

 

Not okay. Not okay. Not okay.

 

Darcy waited until he calmed down, which was only after a few minutes, and released him when he pulled away to compose himself. He looked abashed.

 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect to break down like that.”

 

“Steve,” she said softly, “You’re not the bad guy. I’m sorry if I made it seem that way. None of us are…being the best with Bucky because none of us really knows how to…treat someone who’s been through so much, but damn Steve, you’re not the worst…so don’t think that. Yea, you were a mega asshole but you went and painted his nails after you realized.”

 

Darcy rambled, trying to make things right after such a desperate display of emotion.

 

Steve took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes. “Yeah,” he answered despondently.

 

Darcy bit her lip. “I think…I think you should talk to Sam about this. Does he know how…upset about it you are?”

 

“I mean, we went around the world in a few months looking for homeboy, so, yeah, I have a pretty good idea.”

 

They both turned to see Sam leaning against the entrance to the hallway. Darcy took that as her cue to scram. JARVIS had turned the kettle off while that whole shebang happened so she grabbed a tray, poured the tea, loaded it with little snacks, and made as fast an exit as possible. Only, Sam followed her down the hallway. She turned to meet his eyes.

 

“Care to tell me what that was about?” he asked, with his Serious Sam face.

 

“Well,” she started, “Steve and I were pretty overdue for a talk after that crapfest about the nails, I figured.”

 

He studied her for a while with that super perceptive gaze of his. It was pretty great when it wasn’t directed at her or Bucky, who both had a multitude of problems on a good day.

 

“And the thing, with Bucky? That you’re hiding?”

 

Her heart turned up the base and it felt like a rave in her chest.

 

“What thing?”

 

“I’m not sure. That’s why I’m asking. I’m curious. And concerned.”

 

“Do you have any guesses,” she asked instead, squaring her shoulders, “to this mysterious secret we must be harboring. Like, a book club, for example? Because that’s all you saw me do. Bring him a book.”

 

His eyes dropped down to the tray in her hands. She willed them not to shake.

 

“Bucky hasn’t exchanged any type of friendly communication with anyone in this tower, including the man who was his best friend, but we leave for a few days and suddenly you know what meals to make him, you paint his nails, and he threatens to knock Steve out on your behalf. Is it wrong for me to be a little curious, Darcy?”

 

She swallowed thickly.

 

“And this is clearly having a negative effect on Steve, which I plan to delve deeper into, so yes, I’m also concerned.”

 

Darcy fought to hold his gaze and not give anything away with the panic she was definitely feeling. Serious Sam was a scary Sam. Part of her was happy that Steve had found someone else so loyal while he was going through all of this and the other part was terrified and more than a little exhausted at having to deal with the negative aspects of said loyalty.

 

What the hell was her life? She made Steve Rogers cry and she made sweetheart Sam go full out attack mode. The tray in her hands started to tremble when Sam’s eyes suddenly widened. A hand with familiar chipped polish steadied the tray. She jumped and fell back into a solid chest and titled her head backwards to see Bucky staring at Sam with that hardcore deadpan of his.

 

Darcy shifted to the side so she could see his face better before looking between them. It was a pretty intense stare down.

 

“We’re going to go back to my room now,” said Bucky, breaking the silence.

 

Sam didn’t answer.

 

“Wasn’t askin’ either,” he added.

 

Darcy’s jaw dropped for like, the 80th time since Bucky’s been here. He gently turned her around and steered her around the corner to his open bedroom door. She shuffled inside and he shut the door behind him. Wordlessly, he took the tray and set it down on his bed before he turned to face her. She stared at him with wide eyes.

 

“Did you hear all that?”

 

“Yeah,” he answered, and grabbed a granola bar from the pile, reading the ingredients.

 

“Um, how long were you out there?”

 

“Steve was cryin’. Sam was watchin’ around the corner. It don’t take that long to get snacks.”

 

His Brooklyn accent was the most pronounced she’d ever heard it. He tore the rapper open with his teeth and took a bite. He was…oddly active. Everybody was showing her different sides today.

 

“Are you alright?” she finally asked. “You’re talking…a lot.”

 

He stopped moving and looked her up and down, very slowly. She blushed.

 

“Are you?” he asked in return.

 

Her mind turned to static and she zoned out completely. It was an airy type of feeling, like she was floating and free, but the air around her was toxic, so she was weightless in a calm way, but slowly dying from the surrounding poison. This was clearly not her day.

 

When she came back to herself, she was gasping for breath and sat on the floor. Bucky was holding her wrists.

 

“Gotta breathe, doll.”

 

“I kn—know. I…crap…I—”

 

“Breathe first. Talk later.”

 

She hadn’t had a panic attack in ages. But she just…didn’t want to deal with it. She didn’t want to deal with anything.

 

Shut it down, Darcy.

 

Shut. It. Down.

 

Slowly, she managed to reign herself back in. Bucky rubbed soothing little circles against the back of her hands and she focused on that sensation and nothing else, until she could breathe again. She opened her eyes and looked into his.

 

“Let’s do something,” she rasped out.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

“Anything. You need clothes, right? Let’s…let’s get you some clothes.”

 

She needed a distraction, because she was losing control, and she was spiraling, and she was getting _urges_ , and if she didn’t find something else to do or to think about or to focus on then she would march back down into her apartment and eat herself into an early-NOPE, NO THANKS.

 

Think.

 

About.

 

Something.

 

Else.

 

“You can’t keep wearing sweats and hoodies forever. You should have some nicer things in your closet.”

 

He gave her a look. A very long look. And then he nodded. For some reason, she got the feeling that right now HE was taking care of HER.

 

“Okay,” he answered, and helped her up.

 

“JARV, what are the restrictions to Bucky leaving the tower?”

 

“He is to be accompanied by one of you,” JARVIS answered promptly.

 

“And lemme guess, they never expected Bucky to want to go outside so there is no level to his accompaniment, only that it has to be one of us. Right?”

 

“So it seems, Miss Lewis. Though I would suggest you allow me to track you for your safety.”

 

“Of course, JARV. You make for great company.”

 

She whirled around and clapped her hands. “Are you okay with going outside without Steve or Sam? We’re going shopping, not running.

 

He closed his eyes for a moment and she let himself sort through whatever he needed too. Then he nodded.

 

“Okay, so, I’m gonna shower and wash away the lingering hysteria, so you can come meet me at my room in about an hour.”

 

He nodded, seeming more comfortable with some sort of plan. She glanced down at the tray. Maybe it was better if she didn’t eat anything at all.

 

“So…I’ll see you in a bit.”

 

She opened the door softly, peaking out.

 

“Is the coast clear, JARVIS?”

 

“Indeed it is.”

 

She nodded at Bucky and tip toed out, shutting the door behind her.

 

 

~

 

It was clear to Bucky that Darcy was not alright, but he felt like that almost all the time, and he didn’t always want to talk about it or have it brought up so when she collapsed on the floor in a panic and then sprung up like nothing happened after, he completely understood why.

 

It was wrong, that he took a bit of comfort in the fact that he wasn’t the only one barely keeping it together. That he wasn’t crazy.

 

He wished he knew how to comfort her. If him going outside with her helped her feel better than he could do it. He had enough weapons concealed to protect them both. And the House would help. JARVIS.

 

“You will watch us, right, JARVIS?” he asked softly. Speaking to him was still strange.

 

“You have my word, Sergeant. And I trust you will keep an eye on Miss Lewis?”

 

“No one will touch her.”

 

He could take a beating. But not one hair on her head would be harmed. He was certain he could do that much.

 

He changed into one of his better sweatshirts and pulled on a pair of what Sam called joggers.

 

He was a bit upset with Sam but those were better than Steve’s pants.

 

In terms of shoes, he had sneakers, and his combat boots. He chose the boots. If anything happened, he’d be able to move quicker with those on. Should he need to climb and carry her, the sneakers might not hold up under the strain.

 

Kevlar, check. Glock, check. Throwing knives, check.

 

He pulled on his leather glove, put his hair up, and headed out. There was still 45 minutes and 37 seconds until Darcy said she would be ready. He stood outside her door and stared deeply at the polished wood.

 

“Sergeant Barnes, Miss Lewis stated, in her words, “Those damn super soldiers and their super speed, tell him if he gets here he can come in and look around and relax,” JARVIS said quietly.

 

Bucky nodded and walked in. What did she mean by ‘look around’? He wasn’t allowed to wander—he shook his head. He was allowed a lot of things now. The threat of punishment still made him uncomfortable.

 

 _I will take it_ whispered James from a corner in his mind.

 

Bucky frowned, walked in circles for a bit, and then made a beeline for her kitchen. He opened up one of the cabinets, looking inside. One was filled to the brim with mugs. There was an empty spot from where the mug she’d lent him probably belonged. It was still in his room. He took them all out and looked at the various designs. Some had cartoons on them. A Sonic the Hedgehog. The big headed little girls in pink, blue, and green. The strange animal she’d called a Luxray. He moved on. Star Trek. A pointy-eared man kissing a blonde man. Star Wars.

 

The door to Darcy’s room opened and she walked into view, towel drying her hair. She paused at the sight of him and all her mugs. He straightened up and watched her. Would he be punished?

 

James’s presence became more pronounced.

 

She shrugged. “I…I have a lot of mugs. It’s a thing. I just…if I see one that’s cute I have to buy it.”

 

He blinked. Her reaction was…not as unexpected as it would have been weeks ago. She hadn’t harmed him yet. But he only knew how to be prepared for the worst.

 

“M not judgin’,” he mumbled.

 

She blinked up at him.

 

“You’re…very vocal today. I like it. I like vocal Bucky.”

 

He stared at her for a moment, contemplating his response. She was the one who needed his help today. Him talking seemed to help, so he would, for her. That was a way he could help. It wasn’t much, but he wasn’t much either, so.

 

“We slept together. That changes things, right?”

 

Her eyes widened and a slight flush spread across her cheeks.

 

“Huh,” she said, recovering quickly, “I suppose you’re right. I’m almost done. Give me like 5 minutes. Bed buddy.”

 

Now it was his turn to flush. He turned away to restack her mugs and she giggled, heading back to her room.

 

Bed buddy. A warmth he hadn’t felt in a long time, a long, long time, spread through him and he took a shuddery breath.

 

“Get it together, Barnes,” he mumbled.

 

She came back out with her damp hair up in a style similar to his and a very oversized knitted pink sweater. And…a ring in her nose.

 

“My Nana’s a knitter and it’s a little cooler today. Ready to go?”

 

She looked up at him. “Oh, the nose ring. I usually fold it up to conceal it. I felt like wearing it out today.”

 

He nodded and followed her into out of her apartment and into the elevator.

 

“JARV, if we could have uninterrupted service to the lobby that’d be fantastic. I don’t want anyone to try and ruin our fun.”

 

“Of course, Miss Lewis.”

 

“Thanks darling.”

 

She turned to Bucky.

 

“What we’re trying to do is shop because you shouldn’t have to wear sweats, workout gear, pajamas, and Steve’s Godawful starched khaki’s for the rest of your free life. But let’s lay some ground rules. If you feel super uncomfortable with anything, let me know and we’ll jet. We’ll drop everything and go. You have better instincts than me.”

 

He nodded.

 

“Also, you deserve to feel comfortable, so. If we need to be out than we can be out.”

 

He nodded again.

 

“Oh, and I grabbed this for you.”

 

She dug in her bag and pulled out a hat with Harry Potter’s scar knitted on the cover.

 

“Lean down for a sec?” she asked, and he did. She undid the bun in his hair and put it into a small braid so she could place the hat on.

 

“Just a little something to give you some better coverage. You can keep it, if you want.”

 

The elevator came to a stop and she stepped off. He trailed his flesh fingers across the design of the hat before following. Together they stepped out into the traffic of New York City. She took his hand in his and stared down at her delicate fingers wrapped around the leather of the glove before turning his focus on their surroundings.

 

“Did Tony give you a card?”

 

He thought back to the Stark credit card that’d been shoved into his hand and explained in rapid hand-gestures and words and phrases too fast and confusing for him to understand.

 

“Yea,” he mumbled.

 

“Good. I know they’re still working to get your quote on quote official story out there, and there’s a LOT of back pay owed to you, and you know, I’m sure there’s some sort of pain and suffering money owed to you being a POW for like, 70 years. That and Tony likes to give us lots of things because he doesn’t quite know how to express his love for us in other ways, precious baby. In other words, Bucky, you’re pretty stinkin’ rich.”

 

Bucky nodded. He knew he had a lot of money. Sometimes he’d check the account because he liked to keep track of the few things he owned and had to lie down after seeing the amount of zeroes. It always increased.

 

“So none of that guilt that Steve gets whenever he pays more than twenty-five cents for something. His face gets all squishy looking.”

 

He could picture the exact expression. Her rambling was calming.

 

“I figured we could walk a bit and then when we have a lot of bags, JARVIS would send us a car or something.”

 

Bucky nodded. He could walk a week without rest before collapsing. He would be fine.

 

The first store they arrived at was small. He followed her lead.

 

“They have some pretty unique stuff here. You can look around, see if anything catches your eye.”

 

There were two exits and the store was small enough that he could get to her if he needed. She wandered off to a section and he looked around, keeping his ears sharp. He knew his body’s exact measurements so finding his size wasn’t difficult. He grabbed a few black shirts, black jeans, and…a navy blue hoodie caught his eye. He stopped and stared at it.

 

“They call them crop tops, if you’re wondering where the rest of it is,” Darcy remarked from where she’d come up beside him. “It’s a pretty popular internet movement. Boys in crop tops.”

 

He picked that up too. Mostly out of curiosity. But also because of the tone of her voice when she explained it.

 

“You wanna try those on?” she asked.

 

“They’ll fit,” he said.

 

“No, I’m sure you know your size, but remember, we’re also going based on comfort. I want you to like what you buy. Not jus out of necessity or whatever. But like, I want it to be comfy too.”

 

 _Comfort is strange. I still do not understand it_ , whispered James.

 

No, Bucky thought. But he wanted too. So he let the man standing idly buy lead him to a fitting room. He tried to jeans first. They were…really tight. He peaked his head out from behind the curtain.

 

“Where’s my dick n’ balls go?”

 

Darcy threw her head back with a loud cackle before smacking her hands to her lips.

 

“Holy Awkward, Batman! Okay, um…” She snorted again and came closer. “You…skinny jeans are….you gotta tuck, dude. Like, damn. Usually there isn’t too much of a problem and you can just adjust yourself but uh, I dunno what the typical super soldier is working with. Lemme get you a size up.”

 

He listened very closely, keeping track of how far she went and the man working with her before she returned.

 

“Here. Slightly different cut, same black.”

 

He took them and tried those. They were still tighter than he was used too but much better.

 

“Your dick okay?” she asked, snorting again.

 

“Would you know how to make it better?” he snapped back, and then his jaw dropped. Where the hell did that come from?

 

Bucky heard a thump and he leaned out frantically to see her curled up on the floor laughing. When she finally managed to get herself together, she looked up at him and that haunted look in her eyes was nearly gone.

 

“I really, really like vocal sassy Bucky.” She stood up shakily. “Scratch that, I like everything Bucky, but sassy Bucky is hilarious.”

 

He blushed and went back behind the curtain.

 

What was wrong with him? He did a full system check and nothing came up but slight heartbeat elevation. Bucky frowned and tried one of the simple black shirts next. He stepped out.

 

“Nice, nice. Will the fabric get caught in the arm?”

 

He shook his head. “Tony made me something for that.”

 

“Of course he did. Precious babe. On to the next one, chop chop.”

 

The ‘crop top’ was next. He pulled it on and blanched at it in the mirror. The others would…no…what did he care what the others thought? This was for him, right? He bit his lip and stepped out.

 

Darcy’s mouth dropped open.

 

“Holy hottie, Batman!”

 

He did not know what those sayings meant.

 

“Very young and hip Johnny Depp. Those abs…that v-line…this is cutting edge 21st century fashion. Can you turn around, so I can get the full effect?”

 

He did, slowly.

 

“Holy thighs, Batman. Holy ass, Batman,” she whispered, but his hearing was enhanced.

 

His face felt like it was on fire and he still didn’t understand why.

 

“Oh…you heard that, didn’t you?”

 

He nodded slowly, and her face turned as red as his felt.

 

“Let’s pretend that didn’t happen.”

 

The sales person snorted from where he was sorting through papers up front and they both glared.

 

“Are you almost done?”

 

“This was it,” he mumbled.

 

“Okay, well, uh, I’ll meet you at the front so we can pay.”

 

He nodded and slinked back into the room. Then he banged his head against the wall.

 

What was _wrong_ with him?

 

~

 

 

What was wrong with her? She needed to turn down her blatant ogling to…a split second glance.

 

But damn, he was so hot. And they’d joked about his dick. Big dick. She licked her lips.

 

Get a grip, Darcy.

 

He stepped out with his new stuff in hand and his face was still a little flushed.

 

Gooooooooossssssshhhhh.

 

Darcy took his card and swiped it and JARVIS supplied the code. He watched her closely to get how it worked. They did this all silently because it would stand out if he didn’t know how to use a debit card.

 

“Thanks, come again!”

 

She smiled and they headed out. “Okay, that was an adventure. There’s like, a million other stores you can go too. How are you doing? Good? Bad?”

 

He blinked. “Okay,” he answered.

 

Okay wasn’t the worst.

 

“Well lemme know if okay goes to bad. JARVIS will have us on our way back in no time.”

 

Her phone vibrated and she looked down at it.

 

 

Certainly, Miss Lewis. – J

 

JARVIS was the cutest.

 

“Three new shirts and two pairs of jeans isn’t gonna cut it. I’ll take you to some other places, all small like the last one.”

 

And so it went for the next three or so hours. Bucky was a cool shopping partner in that he never complained, but it was also kind of worrying because him not complaining could be him actually okay with what was happening and him having a terrible time and suffering in silence because he didn’t know how to express discomfort willingly.

 

So she paid very close attention to his posture. She guessed it was because they spent quite a bit of time together but also because he was slowly learning to relax around her that she was able to gauge his comfort levels in the first place. Slight hunching, stiffness, clenched fists, pressing closer to her than normal, all expression leaving his face…those were moments when she’d decide to suddenly, “not like” this store and exclaim, “oh, this other store is better”. If he caught on to her, he didn’t say anything, so hopefully she was making the right calls.

 

She took him to a shoe store next.

 

“Those combat boots are super cool looking but it’s always nice to have a bit of variety.”

 

He wandered and came back with a pair of basic Doc Martens and another pair of sneakers.

 

“Skinny jeans, crop tops, nail polish, hair buns, Docs…I like your style, Mr. Barnes.”

 

He blushed again. So hot. Jesus.

 

“I have a pair too. They kinda suck to break in and my blisters were like mountains but once you do they’re awesome.”

 

They purchased and headed back out.

 

“It’s getting pretty late. We can stop at a café around the corner and then have JARVIS bring us back. Is that okay with you?”

 

He nodded.

 

He was getting less and less vocal. Either he was shutting down from all the time spent out or he was just…tired of talking.

 

“Want me to carry some of your bags?”

 

He looked at her wit a raised brow. Still sassy though. She hid a smile and stopped suddenly when he stopped.

 

“Bucky?”

 

She walked over to see what caught his attention. Tattoos and piercings.

 

Oh boy.

 

“I…I want one. Like yours.”

 

Oh. This was actually a pretty big deal. She was starting to sense a theme here. Bucky picking things that were slightly unconventional and would definitely raise some eyebrows back at the tower. Little rebellions of his own. And now he was actively requesting something that he _wanted_. Yes, this was a very big deal. And who the hell was she to deny him his right to experimentation?

 

“I know a better place. JARV, can you send us a car please?”

 

Two minutes later, a black van showed up and her phone vibrated.

 

“That’s our ride. Four for you, JARV. You go, JARV. I’m adding Mean Girls to our movie list.”

 

The driver loaded up Bucky’s bags and fifteen minutes later, they arrived at Tat Ass.

 

“There’s a rack I’ve definitely missed.”

 

Darcy laughed and pulled her friend into a hug. Margo was the best tattoo artist and body piercing specialist Darcy’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. Total sweetheart. Tall and covered head to toe with some amazing art, and dark pink hair. Total bombshell too.

 

“And who’s tall, hot, and gloomy over there?”

 

Bucky looked away from the posters around the shop.

 

“This is my friend Barnes and he’s…just come out of a…really abusive and controlling…relationship. Wants a nose piercing. To uh…start off on a series of pretty awesome changes.”

 

Margo looked Bucky up and down. “Abusive, huh. This one’s on me then.”

 

“Margo…”

 

“Babe, last time you came and got your nips pierced, which was a blessing, somehow we ended up going out for drinks after and I cried on your shoulder about my crappy parents being assholes about my transition. I know a thing or two about abuse. If I say it’s on me, it’s on me.”

 

“Aww, darling,” Darcy whispered and pulled her into a hug. “Are things any better?”

 

Margo beckoned Bucky to sit on the chair and pushed it back to get a better angle.

 

“No, but I’m getting better at dealing with it. Making new friends. Accepting friends.”

 

Darcy smiled. “That’s what I like to here. I’m a permanent New Yorker now so we’ve gotta meet up.”

 

Margo smiled. “Now, hot stuff, what’s your pain tolerance like. The last guy I pierced threw up and passed out.”

 

Bucky turned to look at Darcy and she coughed to hide her laugh. It was a bit of a morbid joke, but if anyone had spectacular pain tolerance, it’d be him.

 

“He’ll be fine.”

 

She walked over and held his hand anyway. It was time for her to admit that she just liked holding his hand. It was nice.

 

“I need you to narrate everything you’re gonna do.”

 

Margo caught her eye and nodded. “Okay sweetheart, I’m gonna take these scissors, no blades, just clamps really, to tug the skin of your septum down like so, thumbs up good, thumbs down, bad.”

 

Bucky thumbed up.

 

“Okay, now, I have a needle…and I’m gonna stick it through…now.”

 

Bucky didn’t flinch, but Darcy didn’t expect him too.

 

“Thumb check, babe.”

 

He thumbed up again.

 

“Now I’m gonna insert the ring.”

 

She did, finishing up the job and attaching the other ball.

 

“How’s it feel.”

 

He thumbed up again.

 

“Good. Any lightheaded-ness, nausea?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, you have a pretty voice.”

 

She grabbed his cheeks and turned him side to side, then tilted his head back and grabbed a q-tip to dab at the blood and apply some solvent.

 

“And we’re good.”

 

She handed him and mirror and Darcy watched him look himself over. She leaned closer. “How do you like it?”

 

“S’good,” he answered after a while.

 

“Keep it in for a couple of weeks, try not to play around with it too much. If anything gets super painful or pus comes out, I’d definitely head to a doctor.”

 

Darcy took the little pamphlet and the cleaner.

 

“Call me and we’ll meet up some time darling.”

 

“Of course. I’ll even bring Jane.”

 

Bucky thanked her softly and they walked back into the waiting car.

 

“Back to the tower?” she asked, and he nodded, leaning back in his chair. His finger tapped softly at the ring and she watched him proudly.

 

This was a big step.

 

“What’d she mean by transition?” he asked quietly, looking out at the passing NYC lights.

 

“Male to female. She’s never felt like a boy. She isn’t a boy.”

 

Bucky was quiet and she couldn’t help but wonder and worry how he’d take something like that.

 

“Okay,” he said simply.

 

Oh. Awesome. Then that was that.

 

A few more minutes passed in silence as Bucky seemed captivated by all the sights around him. She needed to take him out to experience the nightlife. That would be another amazing adventure for sure.

 

“Thanks for coming out with me today,” she said softly, reaching out to grab his hand. Might as well make it a habit. “You’re a good person, Bucky. And you’re kind. You saw that I was upset and you went with it even though you didn’t have too. Because you had a rough day too, you know?”

 

Bucky squeezed her hand gently. “It was…not a bad day,” he said softly.

 

She smiled and looked away. Gosh, she was acting like a little girl with a crush today.

 

It was quiet again, and the traffic was pretty bad so she was just about to catch a small nap when Bucky asked, “Nipple piercings?”

 

Darcy covered her bright red face with her other hand.

 

Holy Tits, Batman!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY at Bucky branching out...and...feeling interesting feelings ;) BOO at Darcy having a rough time. And AWW to Steve, because he's hurting too. Wanted to end this one on a lighter note.
> 
> If this chapter seemed a bit of a mess, it's because I too, am a bit of a mess. I was sick for a bit and now I'm kind of in a weird depressive spiral in which I do nothing but eat, sleep, and go to work. I'm actually a little concerned haha :)
> 
> But enough about me. Thanks for sticking around this long. 
> 
> Until next time! <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your kind words. <3 :)
> 
> Warnings:
> 
> mention of eating disorders, dick jokes

Telling Bucky about her nipple piercings was another experience in a day of…wild experiences, really.

 

“So I’d say my pain tolerance is pretty spectacular but nipples can be pretty sensitive. I nearly peed myself but then got over it pretty quick. And then Margo was like, woah, I like you. And I was like, yo, let’s go for drinks. Distract me from my raging nips. And she was like I’m down. And then things got super emotional and we kinda really hit it off and she’s been my piercing person since then. I got the second and third hole in my ears, and my nose form her too.”

 

She absentmindedly touched her breast as she thought back to the experience. Bucky’s eyes followed the action. “I’d show them to you but that seems a bit much,” she joked.

 

Bucky looked over from where he was gazing out the window to glance quickly at her breasts before settling on her eyes. “Hm,” was all he said.

 

Darcy’s eyes widened before she smirked. “Or did you think you’d get special privileges because we’re bed buddies?”

 

He cocked his head to the side. “’S that an offer?”

 

Darcy leaned closer until they were face to face. “Dunno,” she said, going with the clichéd response, “You want it to be?”

 

They held each other’s gaze as the car pulled into the secure Tower parking garage. The moment the car stopped, Bucky broke their stare off and exited, making a beeline to the trunk. Darcy sat back against her seat, gingerly placing her hand on her chest. She took a few steadying breaths.

 

What the hell was that?

 

No, really.

 

What the _hell_ was _that_?

 

 

~

 

 

Bucky closed his eyes and took a deep, long breath. And another one. And three more after that. When he felt somewhat composed, he finally moved and grabbed his stuff from the trunk.

 

Darcy was talking to the driver who’d opened her door for her, thanking him. She then turned to him.

 

“Ready to go?” she asked, and he nodded.

 

They walked into the underground entrance and straight into the elevator.

 

“JARV, where is everybody right now?”

 

“Sir is in the workshop with Sam, Steve is in his art room, Natasha and Clint have requested their location remain undisclosed should anyone ask, Bruce and Jane are in the common room kitchen, preparing dinner. Thor is with them.”

 

Darcy’s eyes widened. “Bruce AND Jane are cooking tonight? Sick.”

 

Bucky glanced at Darcy. She was fiddling with the sleeves of her sweater. Her piercing glinted when she shifted to meet his gaze. He touched his subconsciously.

 

“Did they notice our absence?” she asked JARVIS, keeping his eyes on him.

 

“It doesn’t seem so.”

 

He fought to hold her stare. He didn’t fear her, not anymore. He’d never feared her, really, but he’d always been wary. He couldn’t help it. This though, this sudden struggle, was something different. Something he didn’t quiet understand. Or maybe he did. The old him.

 

“Can you take us to Bucky’s floor please?”

 

“Certainly, Miss Lewis.”

 

Something between them had changed. Was it really them sleeping together in the same bed? There had been nothing intimate about it. Or maybe it was a different type of intimacy.

 

The doors opened and they finally looked away from each other.

 

“Wanna set your stuff up in your room?”

 

An objective. Yes. That would be easier on his mind. He nodded and she held her arm out for him to go first. He complied, overly aware of her gaze on his back as he lead the two of them into his room. He set his bags down and took everything out, laying them on his bed.

 

She walked over to his closet and inspected it.

 

“We can put the shirts on one side, jeans on the other. Undergarments can go in drawers. Shoes on the ground. Sound good?”

 

He nodded and they set to work. It only took a few minutes. He didn’t purchase that many things. When they were done, she sat on the edge of his bed. He stared for a moment before joining her, leaving a few inches between them. They both stared ahead. The atmosphere, once again, became heavy.

 

What was _wrong_ with him?

 

He was hyperaware of the woman beside him, the sound of her breathing, the mixed smell of her perfume and shampoo and the outside, the heat of her fingers close to his atop the covers…

 

 _Arousal_ , James whispered in stunned clarification, seeming just as surprised as Bucky felt.

 

So yes.

 

Something had definitely changed.

 

Darcy abruptly stood up.

 

“I’m gonna go to my room for a bit. Freshen up. Then we can meet downstairs for dinner.”

 

Bucky couldn’t make himself meet her eyes again, so he nodded. The moment she shut the door, Bucky let himself fall back on his bed.

 

He sorted through the memories he’d regained since his freedom. The ones with him sneaking into girl’s rooms and his tongue delving into wet folds. New ones came to him, alleviating his growing headache as he sorted but also contributing to a… _growing_ problem. Him on his knees in a back alley, staring up into a sailor’s eyes as the man thrust into his mouth—Bucky shook his head.

 

A low curling heat settled in the pit of his stomach and he yanked his hat off and ran his flesh hand through his hair, tugging at it. He slowly sat up and headed toward his shower.

 

~

 

When Darcy said freshen up, she actually meant scream at the top of her lungs the moment she made it into her bedroom.

 

Then she called her Jane.

 

“Darcy? We’re literally in the same building.”

 

“Jane. How dire is your need to be in the kitchen right now?”

 

The line was silent for a moment. “I just asked Bruce to watch over things for a bit. What’s happening? Where are you? It’s too early for tequila but we can absolutely do that the moment we finish eating.”

 

“I’m in my room. No tequila. I actually want to be sober for this. I think. Because I actually still don’t know what _this_ actually is but it’s _this_ -ish enough that I’m panicking? Slightly. Sorta kinda? Run?”

 

“I _am_ running. I’m already on the elevator.”

 

“MAXIMUM SPEED, JARVIS!” Darcy yelled at the ceiling.

 

“Miss Foster would be propelled through the roof of the elevator should I heed said command, Miss Lewis.”

 

“I love when you’re an asshole, JARV. Major turn-on.”

 

“I leave to please,” he drawled, and Darcy gave him the finger just as Jane banged on her apartment door. Darcy ended the call and ran, yanking it open revealing Jane’s startled face.

 

“What’s-

 

“I’m feeling feelings!” Darcy yelled and pulled her in, slamming the door behind her.

 

Jane held a hand up. “Let’s go to your room. Sit down.”

 

Once they were both settled on Darcy’s bed, Jane gave her the go-ahead.

 

Darcy took a deep breath. “Okay, so Bucky and I—”

 

“Bucky!?” Jane interrupted.

 

Darcy paused, because right, her Bucky and their Bucky were basically two completely different universes. She had to tread carefully here. Not let the panic screw with what they had going on.

 

Take two. Action. “We get along. You’re normally in the labs or with Thor and everyone else has been going on missions so we’ve had some time to just…get to know each other I guess. He’s quiet, I’m loud, and somehow it works.”

 

Jane nodded unsurely. “That…okay, you’ve had a thing for danger since I’ve met you. Wich kind of landed us here, really.”

 

“He’s not dangerous.”

 

Jane gave her a “c’mon girl” look.

 

“Okay, so he is dangerous, but it depends on the situation. When he pulled a gun on Steve and Natasha, he felt threatened. What am I gonna do to him? Smother him to death with my titties? I don’t threaten him, Jane. And he hasn’t done anything to make me feel threatened by him either.” She didn’t realize how defensive she’d begun to sound in her mini-rant until Jane held her hands up in a gesture of surrender.

 

“Okay, okay, so obviously I haven’t been observant enough, I didn’t mean to get you upset.”

 

“No, I’m sorry. It’s just…he’s not a bad guy? Like…when I say we get along I mean it and I just feel like he’ll never get a chance to prove himself when all you guys look at him like he chose to do the things he did.”

 

Jane looked guilty for a moment. “Yea, okay. I’ll…invite him to the lab sometime. Let me see the version you see.”

 

“I…okay,” Darcy mumbled. There was a moment of silence. “But um…I’m feeling feelings.”

 

“About Bucky.”

 

“I think so? I blushed like a kid with a crush around him all day today.”

 

“You…blushing?”

 

“I know! I only blush after sex, and that’s usually my post orgasm afterglow skin. Not, ‘wow, this guy is actually kinda hot’ skin. Which like…never happens. Until now.”

 

Jane looked lost for words. “I don’t know what to tell you,” she said honestly.

 

“I know. I don’t know what to tell myself either. Hey, Darcy, you’re feeling feelings that you don’t really understand towards a what, 90 year old POW aka the world’s most formidable retired assassin. There is literally no one on this planet who could give me advice for a situation like this. A bitch is really stressed out, Jane.”

 

“Well…when did you realize these feelings?”

 

Darcy grabbed her bunny and tugged softly at the ear. “When you say realized these feelings, it makes it seem like I actually know what these feelings are. So I can’t tell you the answer. I don’t know.”

 

Jane stared at her in contemplative silence before asking her next question. “What do you guys normally do together? What do you have in common? What’s bringing you guys close enough that you think you’re feeling things in the first place?”

 

Oh, we bonded over eating disorders. I know what he looks like when he vomits. Intimately. I even traced his abs when he dry heaved into a toilet this morning. And he knows what I look like when I’m a panicking, hyperventilating, drooling mess. Aha :)

 

Was exactly what she wasn’t going to say.

 

“Food.”

 

“ _Food_?”

 

“And um, Harry Potter. And body piercings.”

 

“That’s it?”

 

No, that wasn’t it. Because she’d held his hand and rubbed his back in an uncomfortably familiar show of aftercare, the way her mother had on her bad days. And he’d talked her through a panic attack and then went on to spend the day with her to help her feel better. And before that he’d allowed her to get into bed with him, and let his guard down enough that he fell asleep and let her sleep next to him, a man who had every reason to fear anyone at all witnessing any form of vulnerability. And before that, he’d shoved her behind him and risked the already strained friendship of the only man who had any semblance of understanding what it meant to be out of time. Of the man who was said to be his best friend. Of the man who’d shattered years of torture and brain-washing. Of the man who Darcy knew must mean nearly everything to Bucky, even if he didn’t know how to express that fact.

 

She’s seen him sweaty and in pain and dissociative and he had _allowed_ it. It was such a big deal that she didn’t quite know how to process it, and the fact that this entire situation was happening, that they somehow found common ground in something as dark and horrifying as mental anguish, and that they both seemed comfortable enough around each other to—

 

“Darcy?” Jane asked concerned.

 

Darcy blinked out of her musings.

 

“We…get each other, in a…way. We do, and I know it doesn’t make sense because you know me and you have your view of what and who he is and it’s totally weird in your head but it makes sense in mine. I’m just trying to figure out how that “we have this thing that works” turned into “when he stares at me too hard I blush”.”

 

Jane took Darcy’s hand in hers. “Darce, food, fandom, and body piercings isn’t adding up to whatever it is you say bonded you guys in the first place. I know you and that has never been enough for more than a 15 minute conversation, never mind…feelings.”

 

Darcy looked away.

 

“You’re not the best liar, but I’m here for you while you figure out whatever it is you’re dealing with.”

 

“Oh, I’m a much better liar than you think.” Darcy said without thinking.

 

Jane’s eyebrows furrowed.

 

Oh damn, nope nope nope.

 

“BUT I really appreciate you sticking around and dealing with my messes,” she said, channeling as much of the honest appreciation she felt into her voice to one, distract Jane from what’d she just said and two, to let her know that she really did, in fact, appreciate Jane being there for her.

 

“You’re my best friend, Darce. Of course I’ll be here.”

 

Success.

 

“Aww, Janey.”

 

“Pardon the interruption, but Bruce is almost done with meal preparations,” JARVIS said softly.

 

Jane jumped up. “Yikes! I left him with Thor who can skin a boar but can’t grate cheese.”

 

Darcy snorted.

 

“Come with?” Jane asked, and Darcy placed her hand in Jane’s.

 

She took comfort in the contact as they walked to the common floor kitchen.

 

Thor was helping Bruce slice something. He smiled at the two of them as they entered the kitchen, eyes lingering on Jane. They were adorable. Clint and Natasha were already seated. Natasha looked up and nodded at Darcy who waved back.

 

“Are you alright?” she asked once Darcy was in earshot.

 

Haha NO.

 

“I’m good.”

 

Natasha didn’t look convinced but it was Natasha so…

 

Clint signed hello. No aids then. She blew him a kiss before turning to Bruce.

 

“What’s for dinner?” she asked.

 

“I made vegan lasagna, Jane made regular, and we both baked fresh bread.”

 

“Nice, nice,” she said excitedly. “I’m a whore for fresh homemade bread.”

 

Bruce looked up at her in amusement. “I didn’t know you had a piercing.”

 

“I have a couple,” she answered.

 

He gazed past her for a moment before he looked back down at his dish. “I didn’t know you had one either.”

 

She looked at him in confusion before she turned around and met Bucky’s gaze. A quick glance around showed everyone staring at him as well. Bucky didn’t answer Bruce, instead sitting down a good distance from Natasha and Clint.

 

“He just got it,” Darcy answered.

 

Bucky brushed his hair out of his face and Darcy walked behind him, absentmindedly taking the elastic from her wrist. She gathered his hair up into a quick ponytail, oblivious of the looks she was getting. Fixing his hair was something she was getting used to doing. Like holding his hand.

 

“Should have thought of picking up a pack,” she mumbled, pushing those thoughts away. His hair was damp.

 

“You guys went out?” Natasha asked.

 

Oops.

 

“Yeah, took him shopping for a few essentials.”

 

“Alone?”

 

Darcy patted her head, then ran her hands over both her arms, her chest, her stomach, her thighs, bending down until she touched her toes, and straightened up again. “Wouldya look at that? I’m still in one piece. Shocker.

 

Natasha glared. Darcy glared back.

 

“Yo I heard we got fresh bread,” Sam said, announcing his presence. “Probably won’t beat my Momma’s but ya boy is still pretty hyped.”

 

He stopped short when he glanced at Bucky before continuing to a seat. He looked between Darcy and Bucky before picking up on the atmosphere pretty quickly, looking over at Natasha as well.

 

He was about to say something when Steve and Tony came in next.

 

“Tony, I’m not going to paint you like one of those French girls or whatever that means. Stop pestering me.”

 

“But Steve. Steven. Stevethew. Many have dreamed of getting a request like this. You know how many artists would love to be professionally hired to paint my dick? And you’re the lucky guy. I have fantasies of you executing long broad strokes on my co—”

 

Steve held up a hand to stop him. He stared at Bucky. Bucky stared back. Darcy glanced between the two. Her talk with Steve had been…a bit of a mess but she felt they’d made some sort of leeway. Hopefully their progress wouldn’t collapse so soon.

 

“It…it suits you,” Steve said finally.

 

Everybody let out an unheard sigh of relief. Even JARVIS.

 

“Nice, Megaman. I like the look. Very hip. Steve, you can get a prince albert to match.”

 

Steve nodded absentmindedly as he sat beside Sam. Darcy smacked Tony’s arm. “Don’t be lewd.”

 

Tony wagged his brows in response.

 

She sat next to Bucky, across from Jane. Their eyes met and she looked away. Bruce and Thor brought the dishes to the table and they all settled down, loading up their plates.

 

“If the lasagna has you feeling sick, eat more bread,” she mumbled under her breath.

 

He nodded.

 

He’d already thrown up this morning. After the nice time they’d had out and about, it’d be a shame to lose his next meal. And her too. She didn’t eat much. She needed to eat. An appropriate portion. And not.

 

She shoved a forkful in her mouth and focused on that.

 

“What’s a prince albert?” Steve asked suddenly, breaking everyone’s focus from the first few moment of silent eating.

 

Bucky took a sip of his water just as Darcy and Tony answered simultaneously, “A dick piercing.”

 

Bucky choked and Steve looked horrified.

 

Clint and Sam nearly toppled over with laughter while Darcy patted Bucky on the back.

 

“Tis a Midgardian doing as well? I know many a men who pierce themselves.”

 

Tony snorted. “For what? Glory?”

 

“Nay. Quite a few women prefer it so.”

 

“The more you know,” Sam said, wide-eyed.

 

“I love talking about dicks at dinner,” Bruce mumbled, nibbling a slice of bread.

 

“Well, it does feel a little different,” said Jane, glancing at Darcy.

 

“Yea. Adds a little something.”

 

Bucky choked again. She looked over worriedly. “Are you alright?” she asked.

 

Well…yea, this must have been a little weird for him. She looked at Steve a bit her lip to keep from laughing. Him too.

 

“I have one.”

 

They all looked at Clint.

 

“Really now?” Tony asked, leaning forward.

 

“Yea. I was eighteen. I wanted one so I could hold up and magnet and make my wang twirl like a helicopter.”

 

Bucky choked _again_. The majority of the table erupted into laughter.

 

“So…what happens if we have to fight Magneto?” Steve asked with a smirk.

 

Clint blinked.

 

Natasha covered her face and giggled softly, which set off the table again.

 

Darcy took that moment to check on Bucky. He immediately met her eye.

 

“You okay?” she mouthed.

 

He nodded.

 

She rubbed her stomach in question.

 

He nodded again.

 

She smiled. She might not know what the hell was going on with her feelings, but Bucky seemed like he was going to keep another meal down, and Steve accepted his piercing without any of the drama they had last time, and she didn’t give in to her _cravings_ and relapse so yea…

 

Nothing like dick jokes to bring people together, amirite?

 

~

 

Bucky stared up at the ceiling in his darkened room. It had been an eventful day. A…really eventful day. He was exhausted, and clearly had a lot more to sort through than he’d thought, but it hadn’t been the worst day.

 

He’d ben tortured and wiped and frozen. The first few days adjusting to the lack of HYDRA control had been…

 

So yes, the beginning of the day hadn’t been fun. But waking up next to Darcy had been…not bad. And spending the day on the outside had been challenging but…not bad. Discovering that his strange body malfunction had been arousal had been…strange and confusing but not bad.

 

He had had a not bad day. And that was…nice.

 

And maybe tomorrow would come and also be…not bad.

 

He closed his eyes…

 

…

 

…and dreamt of murdering Tony Stark’s parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just when things were looking up.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all so precious.
> 
> WARNINGS!!!!!!: 
> 
> self-harm, suicidal ideation, binging, purging, violence, references to eating disorders

James opened his eyes and stared in the dark. He kept his breathing and heartbeat regulated. They’d taught it, him, taught him, he’d ripped Maria Stark out of the car through the windshield and snapped her neck while Howard Stark screamed, pinned, chest caved in between the steering wheel, bones jutting out of skin, screaming, screaming, screaming, she’d begged, begged, don’t touch Tony, take us but leave Tony, the boy wasn’t there, her desperation was strange, her sentence cut off short while he squeezed her neck until blood poured from her nose and eyes, snap, snap, snap, Maria, good God, Maria, leave her alone, and he jammed her body back into the car, and turned to Howard, who stared at her body with wide but oddly accepting eyes, and then turned to James, and.

 

In the present, Bucky screamed in his mind, screamed screamed scrererererereee

 

Their handler had told him, if Howard survived the accident, to remove his mask, so Howard could see his face before James finished him, and he, like always, did what he was told, and Howard stared, and muttered impossible, and then asked why, and Bucky, James, did not have the answer, did not understand the recognition, the betrayal, but now they did.

 

Now they did, and Bucky was still screaming, screaming, screaming, and James listened and breathed and kept the body still, remain still.

 

They were in Tony Stark’s home, under his care, under his surveillance.

 

_Bucky._

IkilledthemIkilledthemIkilledthemIkilledthem

 

_Bucky._

 

I killed them, James.

 

_We killed them. We cannot change the past._

What do we do?

 

_We have limited options. We don’t know if Stark is aware._

If he was, we’d be dead, or locked up, and we’d deserve it, we’d deserve it, we’d-

 

_We can kill him. Protection is paramount. We will not be held. We will not go back to…an it. To being controlled._

I don’t…we can’t kill him James. Steve will never forgive us. We can’t…we can’t handle Steve’s unforgiveness. We can barely handle how much he seems to care, imagine is he hates us, we’ll, we can’t, we can’t, and Stark took us in, and gave us things, we cccccc-

 

_Acknowledged. If you panic further, it will show. JARVIS will know. Option two, we run._

Steve and Sam and…and Darcy. They’ll be hurt. She’ll be hurt.

 

_We are in pain. It must be alleviated. We are always in pain but this is. It does not like it. I do not like it. What do you suggest?_

…we punish ourselves.

 

_Objection. The body is not to harm itself._

That was their rules. We have…our own now.

 

_…how? The body—our body is accustomed to pain in nearly all capacities._

Food. It hurts…when we eat too much, or the wrong things.

 

_Food is supposed to be good._

And it still can be. But I think we’ll feel better, if we make the choice, and we’ll get…release. At least a little bit. We need, we need to, wewewewe—

 

_Understood. How? We will be unable to avoid detection with the amount needed to ensure we suffer. Steve and Sam will notice._

Let me take over.

 

Bucky blinked and sat up slowly in his bed. He ran his hand through his hair, willing his body to tame the symptoms of his distress. No elevated heartbeat. No shaking hands.

 

“JARVIS,” he mumbled.

 

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes?”

 

“I’d like to order pizza.”

 

“Certainly sir. I would suggest plain cheese as it is easily removed and will be softer on your stomach. Or you can try a vegan alternative.”

 

What was vegan? But that was a question for another time. Eating something with his comfort in mind was also for…another time.

 

“Six pies.”

 

“…six pies, sir?”

 

“And…any topping.”

 

“Of course. Are you feeling alright, Sergeant?”

 

Keep it together. He had to keep it together.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Alright Sergeant. Your order has been placed.”

 

Bucky stayed seated in his bed, tugging slightly at the nose ring. He lost time, sinking further and further into the screams of Maria and the betrayal on Howards face, did Steve know? Did Sam know? Did Stark know? Stark seemed to know everything.

 

“Sergeant. I’ve had the pizza boy place the pies in the elevator. He has been paid accordingly.”

 

Bucky slid out from under the covers and moved silently outside to collect his punishment. The elevator doors opened just as he stepped out of the apartment and he grabbed the boxes, reveling in the heat on his flesh hand and wishing it burnt him a little more. The walk back to his room was just as silent and he placed the boxes on his bed.

 

“JARVIS, can you leave me alone?”

 

“Certainly, Sergeant. Privacy mode activated.”

 

Bucky opened the first box. It seemed JARVIS had stuck with cheese. It didn’t matter. It would all come back up anyway. His hands shook. His breathing, his heart, his head—James took over.

 

Pulled out the first slice. Took a tentative bite. Chewed. Swallowed. Repeat.

 

Bite. Chew. Swallow. Repeat.

 

Bite. Chew Swallow. Repeat.

 

Tentative bites turned to something faster, rough, more animalistic, and he wolfed down slice after slice until his mind turned white and numb, was it James, was it Bucky, he didn’t know, he didn’t know anything, he knew too much, he didn’t remember anything, he remembered too much, and he came back to himself with two and a half pies gone, stomach full enough that it was all he could think about, finally. He moved off the bed and immediately collapsed to the floor.

 

He was in pain. That was good. That was very good. He crawled on the floor into the bathroom and vomited, finally, vomited, and he felt, something, something that wasn’t associated with the guilt that came with murder, and that was so much better, and he crawled back to the bed, pulled down the boxes, and repeated the process three more times.

 

He was sweating, drool dribbling down his chin, when the bulk of his intentionally repressed memories hit, the ones that had pushed against his mind that he chose to keep away from, maybe because his guard was down, or because he was in shock, he didn’t know, he didn’t know anything, he knew too much, he didn’t remember anything, he remembered too much.

 

Scenes of him running hand and hand with Steve, both small, Steve smaller, people digging into the hole where his arm used to be, killing scientists, doctors, leave him alone, Steve, where was Steve, Steve is dead, his mind being torn apart, him screaming, eating ice cream on a pier, watching the sunset, watching Steve draw…

 

He shook and sobbed and drooled and vomited on the tile and tugged at his hair until the flow finally stopped.

 

_Bucky?_

James?

 

_I do not…_

Darcy. Darcy would know what to do. Bucky slowly sat up and looked at his mess. First he brushed his teeth. Then he cleaned up puke, and other fluids, and then the boxes, and then himself.

 

Bucky opened his mouth and couldn’t speak. He tried again. He was so tired. He was cold and tired. Every time he thought he was feeling better, it went bad again. His phone was on his night stand. He picked it up.

 

_Jarvis. – BB_

_Sergeant? – JARVIS_

_You can come back now. – BB_

 

“Sergeant Barnes. My sensors detect that you are in quite a bit of distress. I would suggest you sit down for a moment and I will attempt to guide you through breathing exorcises.”

 

Bucky shook his head and toppled backward into his wall. His head was spinning. He typed shakily:

 

_Dracyy. – BB_

 

“Miss Lewis is asleep. Shall I wake her?”

 

Bucky shook his head again. He didn’t need to wake her up because he was having a crisis, or meltdown, or, ororororor

 

“Sergeant, Miss Lewis has expressed on multiple occasions that you should go to her whenever it is needed. If that is what’s holding you back, pardon my forcefulness, should not be so.”

 

Bucky wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the ceiling.

 

“Would you like me to send Miss Lewis your way or would you prefer to go to her?”

 

He pointed at the door.

 

“She will be awake when you get there, Sergeant.”

 

Bucky moved silently but uncoordinated, staggering left and right, stopping to breathe, or tug at his hair, or his clothes.

 

“Just a little while further, Sergeant, and the elevator will take you to her floor.”

 

He nodded but then collapsed.

 

JamesIcan’tdothisJamesJamesJamesJames

 

James stood up slowly and dug his metal fingers into his flesh arm.

 

“Sergeant Barnes, I must insist that you cease causing harm to yourself or I will have to alert someone.”

 

James looked up into one of the hidden cameras.

 

“Please, sir, just a few more steps until you reach the elevator.”

 

James took carefully measured steps until he stepped inside, standing directly in the middle. He clenched and unclenched his fists. They reached her floor. The doors opened, and Darcy was standing right in front of them.

 

She looked him up and down for a brief moment before she rushed forward and took his face in her hands.

 

“James,” she whispered.

 

He didn’t answer so she stepped away and took his hand in hers, leading him into her apartment.

 

“Thank you for waking me up, JARVIS,” she said softly.

 

Her voice was soft. Her hand in his was soft. Everything about her was soft.

 

He was a m e s s.

 

She walked them into the bathroom and immediately grabbed a hand towel, soaking it with water. She gently wiped it across his forehead.

 

Bucky was gasping mess. James held the body still.

 

“Did you have a nightmare?”

 

Did memories count?

 

He opened his mouth to speak and he heard his voice, but Darcy’s face only showed worry and incomprehension.

 

German, said Bucky.

 

James shook his head and tried again.

 

Chinese.

 

He bit his lip, took a deep breath, and tried again.

 

Russian.

 

James grabbed a fistful of his hair and tugged, hard.

 

“No no, James, stop. Look at me. Just take a few deep breathes, okay? Don’t hurt yourself.”

 

She guided his fingers out of his hair with one hand and wiped his forehead again.

 

“I killed Stark’s parents.”

 

English.

 

Darcy dropped the towel. Her eyes went wide, then blank, then hard…angry. He took a step back. More punishment? It was deserved.

 

She rushed forward and he braced himself only to be pulled into a fierce hug.

 

“Oh James,” she whispered, into the crook of his neck. “No you didn’t.” She pulled back and took his face in her hands again. “No you didn’t,” she repeated. “They did. HYDRA did. HYDRA killed Tony’s parents.”

 

Abort. Not equipped—

 

James fled and Bucky burst forth with a gasp. He dropped to his knees and Darcy fell with him, but she didn’t let go. If anything, her arms came around him and held him even tighter.

 

He did not understand.

 

“Bucky. It’s not your fault, you hear me? You didn’t do this.”

 

He went boneless in her arms.

 

“You didn’t do this. It’s not your fault.”

 

~

 

Holy hell holy hell holy hell holy hell.

 

Was Bucky allowed to have a relatively good 5 minutes? Like, was that too hard to ask? Could he just have…a couple seconds of peace?

 

“It’s not your fault,” Darcy whispered again.

 

Bucky didn’t answer. She wasn’t even sure if he was hearing her at this point.

 

“You did good, James,” she mumbled, “You did good, getting here.”

 

Minutes passed and Bucky’s trembling didn’t cease. He was clearly overwhelmed…I mean………….the notes that were leaked definitely did NOT mention HYDRA’s involvement with Tony’s parents, Jesus, how dare they, how _dare_ they use Bucky for that.

 

She clenched her fists in Bucky’s shirt and he went rigid.

 

“I’m not mad at you,” she said softly, and her voice cracked, and nope, nope nope nope.

 

The shaking stopped anyway. He was closing everything off. Shutting down. His breathing evened out and he shifted so he wasn’t leaning against her completely, alleviating the burden she honestly didn’t mind.

 

It was so wrong. It wasn’t fair. It _wasn’t fair_.

 

The warmth of unshed tears filled her eyes and she wanted to scream, as loud as she possibly could—oh.

 

“Bucky. Can you walk?”

 

It took a moment, but he eventually nodded against her shoulder.

 

“Would you be adverse to…getting wet?”

 

This time there was a longer delay, which made total sense because it was a bit of an odd question, but he shook his head no.

 

“Let’s go to the pool.”

 

She waited for him to move first. They were going at his pace. He slowly moved back and they both stood up together.

 

To the pool.

 

She took his hand in hers and led them out of her room, down the hallway, into the kitchen, where on the kitchen table, lined from corner to corner, lay box upon box of unopened snacks. They both paused and Darcy tightened her grip on Bucky’s hand.

 

“There’s, um…a lot going on…in my head.”

 

She hadn’t done anything. She’d just sort of, stared at it. For…maybe two hours? And maybe…bit the inside of her cheek until it bled but that was it. Nothing drastic. She was still in control. Darcy turned to look at Bucky and found an odd level of understanding that honestly terrified her and she filed that away in her NOT TODAY file and tugged him gently to get them moving again.

 

The walk to the pool was silent, which made for a dissertation worthy juxtaposition because in her mind, hell, in _his_ mind, was cacophony of everything WRONG.

 

The glass doors to Tony’s over the top but honestly delightful pool slid open and they stepped inside. Darcy took a moment to take a deep whiff of the chlorine-scented air before she released Bucky’s hand and took a running jump into the deep end of the pool.

 

She kept her eyes closed as she drifted, curling up into a ball. It was a moment of blissful silence, where after a moment, the only thing clouding her mind was the need to breathe. Her back hit the bottom of the pool and she opened her eyes. She took in the distorted light from the ceiling, the blue hue of the pool around her, the way her hair floated around her, and finally, _finally_ , moved. Her legs kicked and she propelled herself upward, parting the water with a loud gasp.

 

Bucky stood at the edge of the pool, watching.

 

“Come join me,” she said quietly, the words still managing to echo.

 

He tugged off his sweatshirt revealing another underneath and walked to the steps, stopping.

 

“The water isn’t cold, if that’s what you’re wondering. It’s heated.”

 

Bucky was cautious as he went forward, taking one step slowly at a time. She swam forward until her feet could touch the floor and waited until her met her where the water was above their waists.

 

“Hands?” she asked, holding hers out.

 

He took them.

 

“Okay, so, here’s what we can do, if you want. Just…sit… underwater with me…and scream as loud as you can for as long as you can.”

 

She looked over his shoulder to avoid his gaze while she explained what this was.

 

“I used to do this in my bathtub when I felt really overwhelmed at a kid. When I just needed to get something out, anything out, and it was late and my mom was asleep or if I didn’t feel like scaring the hell out of my neighbors, and lie in my bathtub full of water and just…scream.”

 

She thought back to being sixteen and angry at everything and hurting all the time and being so frustrated and exhausted and needing something other than…………her pale hands holding onto the porcelain of her tub, spending an hour going above and below the water, red rimmed eyes, shivering when the water cooled, feeling better, even if it was the most miniscule release…

 

“Okay.”

 

His answer drew her out of her memory.

 

“So,” she bit her lip, “Just…just take a deep breath…and sit with me.”

 

They both inhaled.

 

And sank.

 

~

 

 

He watched the way her eyes clenched shut, mouth pressed tightly together, her hair floating around her, the string of her sleep pants drifting upwards, and then her lips parted, and she screamed.

 

It was…

 

There was a pain in her distorted voice. Not the pain of someone begging for life, like he was used too, but a pain of the mind, of holding everything in and not quite being able to do anything about it, of a silent suffering, of trying to keep everything together, but only just, the bare minimum…and he…he understood.

 

Her face slowly turned red under the strain and the air bubbles dwindled in size until none remained.

 

Bucky stood up and pulled her with him. Her eyes snapped open and she staggered forward, gasping. He braced her while she breathed and her eyes met his. The greens of her orbs were the darkest he’d ever seen them.

 

Again,” she rasped.

 

He sank with her.

 

~

 

 

She watched him figure it out. Figure out how to express raw emotion in front of another person, to really give someone a glimpse of how absolutely messed up he felt. It was a build up. His eyes remained open, watching her, and he opened his mouth to scream.

 

Nothing came out.

 

He closed his eyes, opened his mouth again, and still, nothing came out.

 

His eyes remained shut and for a few seconds, he did nothing. But she knew his mind was at work. Sifting through what he’d told her. Opening up what he’d just closed off. His face crumpled under the weight of…something she honestly would probably never be able to truly process, and maybe him either, and he ripped his hands out of her grasp. His hands came to cover his eyes and finally, he screamed.

 

There were levels to this pain. There was depth to this agony. The sound, repressed rage, hurt, devastation…it was primal, the way he shook his head, tugged at this hair, curled up on himself. The sound, though dimmed, was visceral. She felt it. She felt it all.

 

She reached out instinctively but closed her fist and wrapped both her arms around herself.

 

Don’t intervene.

 

And just as sudden as it’d started, it was over. He lurched upward and she followed. Her breathing was a bit more controlled than his. She waited until uncovered his eyes.

 

“Again,” she said.

 

~

 

There were no more reservations between the two of them. Everything they released under the water was uncontrolled. It was vehement, unconcealed emotion at it’s purest form. To anyone else, it would look horrific. Two individuals losing themselves to the worst of their experiences.

 

To them, however, it felt spectacular.

 

They rose out of the water together.

 

~

 

Darcy’s head spun and she slowly moved to the edge of the pool and leaned against it. Her body felt strangely loose. It was a welcome feeling. She watched Bucky lean his head back and stare at the ceiling. He reached both of his hands to the lights. They shook.

 

“Bucky,” she whispered.

 

He turned to look at her.

 

“C’mere.”

 

The water rippled as he moved toward her. When he was within arms reach, she wrapped her arms around his waist and tugged him until her chest was pressed against. She pressed her forehead to his chest.

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

His arms reached up to brace the edge of the pool on both sides of her.

 

“And it’s not okay. God, it’s not okay, but let’s hope with everything that it will be.”

 

Darcy closed her eyes and sighed softly as his chin came to rest atop her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! It's been a strange few weeks for me, mental wise. I'm just kind of...drifting.

They’d ended up staying in the pool for another fifteen minutes before leaving. Bucky hopped out of the water first and held his hands out to help her up. She watched his eyes roam her up and down for a quick moment. He grabbed his hoodie and handed it to her.

 

“Thanks, but I’m okay. The only thing I feel is nothing, really, not even the cold.”

 

She was a bit of an expert on being emotionally spent. Always a great feeling.

 

“Your shirt is see-through,” he explained, and she looked down, because it was a BIT see-through BEFORE she was soaking wet, so now…

 

What a sweetheart. She slipped on the hoodie more for his peace of mind than hers because she kind of didn’t care. “At least you got see my piercings,” she joked.

 

Bucky was silent for a moment as he put his wet hair up. “I felt them.”

 

Pause. Darcy blinked. “What?”

 

He licked his bottom lip. “I felt them when we hugged.”

 

She thought back to literally two minutes ago when they were pressed together at the edge of the pool. Yeah, he’d probably felt them alright.

 

They both took a moment to wring the access water out of their hair and clothes. There was a weird sense of emotional detachment in their movements, in whatever communication they had, in the air, whatever.

 

“Did it help?” she asked.

 

He nodded.

 

“Is James okay?”

 

He shrugged.

 

“I won’t ask if you’re okay, because you’re not.”

 

Bucky rolled t-shirt sleeve up to just above the shoulder and she watched mesmerized as the ridges in the arm shifted. The entire joint vibrated, leftover water spilled out from the joints. Darcy’d wondered about that. How well he arm could hold up under water. She caught a glimpse of more gears underneath, and golly, his arm really was a technological wonder.

 

Sucked that HYDRA had anything to do with it.

 

She looked away from the arm and into Bucky’s guarded eyes.

 

“S’fine,” she mumbled. “I saw a bit of the inside of your arm, you saw my titties, we’re even. Let’s…I dunno. We should shower. Pool water is gross after a while.”

 

“Titties,” he repeated softly, like he was testing the term in his mouth.

 

“My boobs, breasts, fun bags, mammaries—”

 

She trailed off at his look of disgust.

 

“What, mammaries doesn’t do it for ya?”

 

“Does that term do it for anybody?” he responded, quick as lightning.

 

“Good question.”

 

The conversation lulled as both turned to the glass sliding door and paused. It felt weird leaving after having experienced something so deep. To step out now was to step back into…real life?

 

No, that was the wrong term, Darcy thought. Because everything they’d just experienced, everything they were _still_ experiencing, was so real.

 

“You wanna shower with me? We can watch movies in my room and stuff. I just…don’t think we should be around people right now.”

 

Bucky licked his bottom lip again. “With you?”

 

Darcy zeroed in on the motion and nope, forced her eyes back on his. “With me as in, like, at my apartment.” She arched her brow. “Unless you’re trying to take our bed buddy arrangement a step further.”

 

He licked his lip _again_ , and hmm, was that a new habit or a newly regained habit? Regardless, it was hot.

 

“Sergeant Barnes, Captain Rogers is trying to ascertain your whereabouts.”

 

Darcy jumped at JARVIS’ interruption. Oh, right. The jogging.

 

“Is it really that late? Or early?” she asked, and Bucky nodded. Time to go, then. She grabbed his left hand, because she refused to have him think that because he did that recalibration or whatever that was, she was afraid of it, and gently tugged him out.

 

That moment of release had been nice while it’d lasted. Back to terrible coping mechanisms, she supposed.

 

~

 

James was still silent and that bothered Bucky but he would try and sort through that later. Instead he focused on the pressure of Darcy’s hand in his. It helped ground him. There was a plan.

 

Get to his floor. Grab his change of clothes. Shower at her place. Movies.

 

He compartmentalized everything in small steps to get to the main objective, which was not thinking about anything. What had happened at the pool was the most he’d ever been able to express without possibly harming others, or being made to look like a rabid animal unchained. Steve’s friends watched him warily. Behind their easy smiles and relaxed mannerisms lay the drive to put him down if necessary, and he supposed he understood that, because he and James would do the same, but it was still exhausting. It was instinctive of him to remain guarded.

 

It was also a burden. He was trying to be a person, trying to keep his food down, trying to not lose control, trying to not kill himself, because he was finding himself thinking of that a lot, trying to control the urge to run…

 

So to also be asked to relax around a group of people who refused or just could not relax around him was…exhausting.

 

Everything was exhausting, all the time.

 

But Darcy was nice. She was always nice.

 

They arrived at his floor and both took a deep breath before JARVIS opened the door for them.

 

“Wait, wait, Sam, Buck’s not in his room,” Steve’s voice trailed off into a moan and both froze.

 

“I know. Third time you’ve told me.”

 

“I, God Sam, I need to f-find out w—“

 

“Pretty boy, if Bucky were anywhere out where he wasn’t supposed to be, JARVIS would have alerted us already.”

 

There was a moment where all they could hear what definitely sounded like kissing.

 

“But we, we need to work out.”

 

“You telling me this doesn’t count?” Sam laughed, and Bucky and Darcy turned to each other with wide eyes.

 

“Tell me, do you get off on being a smartass…or nah?” Steve asked, and Sam’s laughter echoed loudly throughout the apartment.

 

“JARVIS, please tell me you can save Captain America saying ‘or nah’ and save that as my text alert,” Sam gasped, and Steve’s laugh came next, a startling cackle that Bucky hadn’t heard since…

 

Since…

 

Darcy carefully walked back to the door, opened it, and shut it loudly, jarring him out of his budding memory. Bucky was impressed at how quickly she managed to school her face into indifference when Steve appeared around the corner. Steve’s look of nonchalance also surprised Bucky, because he wasn’t the best liar.

 

His lips were swollen.

 

“Buck, there—why are you guys soaking wet?”

 

“We went for a swim,” Darcy answered, “Tony’s heated pool is awesome.”

 

Steve looked them both up and down, this time much deeper than his first cursory glance. Sam also walked over and the look he gave was different, more loaded than Steve’s could be because Sam had more experience with…people who were not okay, as Darcy said.

 

Bucky met his eyes and cocked his head to the side, feeling oddly challenging.

 

“You two alright?” Sam asked.

 

“Peachy. Bucky was here to grab a change of clothes.”

 

“Oh, did you, uh, wanna run with us?” Steve asked, smoothing the wrinkles out of his shirt.

 

“No,” Bucky let himself answer.

 

Steve nodded as if he had really been planning on running after what’d they’d heard. This time it was Bucky who looked them up and down, eyes lingering on Sam. The relationship between Steve and him was rocky at best but if Sam hurt Steve in any way Bucky would gladly become what they were all so afraid of.

 

“Alright. Well Sam and I were about to leave. Where were you headed?”

 

Bucky blinked. He felt Darcy watching him from the side. It was comforting. “Did you know I killed Stark’s parents?”

 

He hadn’t meant to say that. At all.

 

But they both startled, surprised and…was that guilt? Well that was interesting. They _did_ know and they didn’t tell him, because after 70 years of trauma suddenly he couldn’t handle bad news. He clenched his fists and everyone was drawn to the action.

 

“If you didn’t feel the need to tell me I killed the parents of the man’s home I’m staying in, I don’t need to tell you where I’m going or what I’m doing.”

 

Steve closed his eyes for a moment and ran his hands through his hair. Sam took a step back as if to let him fully take control of this situation.

 

“Okay, that’s fair,” Steve finally answered.

 

Damn right that was fair. Bucky blinked again at the ferocity of that thought. It was very…person-like. He was acting very person-like.

 

“Are you…are you alright?” Steve asked, awkwardly trying to plow through the heavy silence.

 

“No,” Bucky replied.

 

Steve ran his hands through his hair again, tugging lightly. He turned around and looked at Sam and Bucky was struck by the familiarity of it. Steve was hiding his expression. He was hiding his expression from Bucky and that was…that was something he’d always done when he’d been in a lot of pain and didn’t want Bucky to see.

 

For a second it felt like Bucky’s heart was going to burn out of his chest.

 

“Stevie,” he whispered, unconsciously reaching out.

 

Steve whirled around with wide eyes, maybe at the nickname, or the way he’d said it, and Bucky dropped his hand and immediately stepped back, shutting off any visible reaction on his face and clamping down on what was finally registering as severe emotional distress.

 

_Emotionally compromised,_ James whispered, satisfied at having a condition to ascribe their behavior to.

 

Welcome back, James.

 

“Buck—”

 

Darcy moved from beside him at the same time Sam shook his head. She clapped her hands loudly. “We’re on a tight schedule here Sergeant. Warm showers and movies are calling my name. Chop chop.”

 

Bucky nodded. Back to their plan. He kept his eyes off of Steve’s out of…not fear, but extreme…discomfort as he walked around them toward his room.

 

Grabbing the necessities was a simple task that helped calm his nerves. He picked soft things. Sleep pants. A long-sleeved cotton t-shirt. Thick socks. He wanted to be warm. He grabbed a pair of boxers and silently made his way back out, stopping short in the hallway.

 

“How is he doing?” he heard Steve ask.

 

“He’s honestly never been better. He just remembered HYDRA used him to kill a man who was his friend, and his wife.” Darcy replied. “Does Tony know?”

 

“No idea. Natasha knows. She was with me when I found out.”

 

“JARVIS? Does Tony know?”

 

“I am not at liberty to say.”

 

Bucky glanced at the ceiling.

 

“Does he know that Bucky knows?” she tried again.

 

“Unfortunately, that too is classified, Miss Lewis.”

 

“Phooey. Well, I’m gonna assume that Tony knows. I’m also gonna assume that he didn’t find out from you guys. Two people who are, quite literally, directly involved with this shit show, and none of you thought it was a good idea to, I dunno, give them a heads up?”

 

“I’m gonna put this on pause. Are _you_ alright??” Sam asked.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re shaking,” he added.

 

“I’m cold.” Her voice took on a defensive tint.

 

“I know what cold shakes look like.”

 

She didn’t answer. Bucky tensed further the longer Darcy remained silent, and he finally stepped out the hall to catch her slightly manic smile and arms spread wide.

 

“I’m Darcy,” she answered, “Isn’t that enough?”

 

Sam took a concerned step forward but Bucky was faster. He moved quickly and stepped in front of her, shielding her with his back turned to the others. “Necessary items acquired.”

 

She blinked and settled into something more controlled.

 

“Then to the shower we go! March!”

 

They made a quick exit. Darcy kept up the childish trop all the way to the elevator. As soon as the doors closed she whirled around to stare at him.

 

“Dude, Steve and Sam!?”

 

He nodded warily. It was quite…unexpected. Like everything that ever happened to him, really.

 

“Let me be the ham in that bombass sandwich.”

 

Maybe it was the food imagery so soon after the mess he’d been in earlier, or maybe it was just, imagining Steve and Sam kissing her the way they’d likely been kissing each other, but Bucky didn’t like it…at all.

 

“That’s one, super hot, two, super surprised, and three, actually really great? Steve’s also having a rough time of it and it’s freaking that he’s getting some with Sam, actually human cinnamon roll, the embodiment of all that is pure and good—”

 

They’d arrived at her apartment and walked in, only to stop still the moment she laid eyes on the snacks she’d left lining her table. The excitement vanished and her shaking resumed. He watched the weight begin to reposition itself on her shoulders again and he quickly stepped forward.

 

He didn’t like the way her body seemed to start collapsing upon itself. There was something…extremely discomforting when she wasn’t smiling.

 

_Intercede,_ whispered James.

 

“I can get rid of it. You should shower.”

 

Darcy tore her eyes away from the table studied him. “You play a real dashing knight in shining armor, you know that?”

 

“You aren’t a damsel,” he replied.

 

She’d been his savior much more. After all she’d done for him, who was he not to return the favor?

 

She was suddenly much closer. His breath hitched.

 

“Uh uh uh, I know that face. That’s your Bucky Burden face. You aren’t a damsel either, you hear me?”

 

He looked down at her and she held his gaze, fierce and strong until he yielded. “Yes ma’am.”

 

She cringed. “Oh God, please, don’t ma’am me. What are you, ninety? It makes me feel super old.”

 

He watched the realization make its way onto her face before he fixed her with a deadpan stare. It was interesting to watch the transition, from sarcastic, her mouth slightly cocked upwards in her trademark smirk, to the way her eyes widened in slight mortification, to how her cheeks reddened in an attempt to keep the laughter at bay. Finally, she dropped her head into her hands and covered her face.

 

“You _are_ ,” Darcy gasped out, the sound muffled beneath her palms, “You _are_ ninety. I’m just gonna go shower now.”

 

She giggled all the way to her room.

 

Bucky watched her go, transfixed. He then blinked and turned to the task at hand. He set the empty snack boxes onto the chairs and separated the snacks by name. There were a few he kept in mind to try later. Some of them he recognized. Some even older than his…ninety plus years.

 

Laughter rang out in his ears. It wasn’t until he was finished packing everything away that he realized that laughter had been his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard. I'm sorry. 
> 
> WARNINGS:
> 
> mentions of eating disorders, suicide ideation

As wonderful as that moment in the pool had been, it was only a temporary solution to a very serious and long reigning problem.

 

So for three days she just kind of…didn’t eat.

 

“Just as a precaution,” she’d told Bucky.

 

Because she’d done this before—in her much darker days—to protect herself. If she stayed away from food there was a one-hundred percent guarantee that she wouldn’t…overdo it. Solid plan. Ten out of ten.

 

Those three days were spent in complete avoidance and Bucky just…stuck around. It was nice. Sixty missed calls and unanswered texts. Lots of old movies, and more recent movies, and audiobooks, and nail art, and sticking stickers on places they weren’t really meant to be stuck on but whatever, it was fun.

 

And now, dancing. Two men were grinding on each other on the screen. Darcy peeked at Bucky.

 

“How do you feel about Steve and Sam?”

 

He kept his eyes on the screen and shrugged. Darcy pouted.

 

“Yay? Nay?”

 

“I don’t mind it,” he answered with another shrug.

 

“Oh. Well, did you know? That Steve was into guys.”

 

Bucky sighed. “Wasn’t really a secret. Clearly history wasn’t a fan though. Since you’re so surprised now.”

 

Darcy frowned. “Yeah, I had no idea. Figured that would be like, big news but I’m not surprised they wrote that out of his biography.”

 

“Uhuh,” Bucky answered, and there was something in his tone that led Darcy to steer them out of this particular conversation. She put a red flag on it and filed it away for later thought.

 

The guys on the video were really going at it.

 

“We should go to a club, when you’re ready,” she started, opening another conversation.

 

Bucky finally looked her way and damn it, her heart sped up, which was a little stressful. Everything was…a little stressful.

 

“Okay,” he answered simply.

 

“Like, okay as in, whatever, or okay as in you’re down?”

 

“I’m…down.”

 

She smirked. “Then we’ve got to get you up to speed. Right now the thing real hip with the kids is like, bumping and grinding.”

 

He stared at her.

 

“Like, me rubbing my ass on your dick but with…rhythm.”

 

He blinked and she watched him process that image. Three days with no contact with anyone but him in a pretty closed off space did wonders on further strengthening her ‘Bucky reading’.

 

“I know that must seem, I dunno, horrifically raunchy-

 

“I ate a gal out at the cinema once. You’re not taintin’ my purity or nothin’. I wasn’t some blushing virgin.”

 

“FLinplunder.” She short-circuited, eyes locking onto his lips, and yep, there it was, he did the tongue thing, trailing it quickly along his bottom lip. Her mouth went dry. His lips were suddenly closer and her breath hitched.

 

“At the…at the cinema?”

 

“Yeah,” he muttered. “Some war flick. Explosions. American propaganda. Loud noises. Knelt down and hiked her skirt up. She had a real poker face. Didn’t make a lot of noise but her nails dug into my head, pulled out a couple strands of my hair.”

 

Thor almighty…

 

“Your eyes are dilated,” he observed.

 

Well…………….

 

“It’s just, quite an image is all,” she mumbled, tearing her eyes away from his mouth to meet his eyes.

 

Two of his fingers gently touched her wrist.

 

“Are you…reading me?” she asked, heart pounding.

 

He nodded.

 

She held his gaze. “What, trying to see if I’m horny?” Nervous or not, she wasn’t one to hold back.

 

His fingers paused in their journey. It was very, very, quiet, and he was very, very still.

 

“I think,” she whispered lowly, “we should probably get back to the dancing.”

 

He nodded and slowly withdrew his hand. “Okay.”

 

They kept their eyes on each other.

 

“Dancing,” she repeated. “Dancing.”

 

Bucky moved first, because he was stronger than her, good on him, and they watched YouTube videos, and Darcy made fun of some of the dancing, was impressed by most of it, and desperately tried to quench the yearning to move against Bucky in that way, and he against her.

 

She already knew he had a good grip. When he’d caught her after their Dirty Dancing Baby Lift fiasco, it’d been effortless.

 

“Let’s do it again,” she whispered, the memory prompting her words.

 

He looked up, head cocked to the side in question.

 

“The baby lift,” she clarified.

 

Bucky nodded and stood up with all that assassin grace of his and then lent a hand to help her up.

 

“To the hallway!”

 

She grabbed her laptop and slithered in her fuzzy socks to the kitchen table, setting it down. Then she moved to the hallways and stopped a good distance away.

 

“Ready?” Darcy asked. She suddenly felt really great. “Take two! Hit it, JARV!”

 

He nodded again, and like the last time, she took off at a run with the classic song blaring in the background, and again, like the last time, she panicked at the last second.

 

“Catch me!” she screamed, shutting her eyes.

 

When she opened them again, she was looking down at him from above.

 

“Gosh,” she whispered.

 

Holy great view, Batman! She squeaked as he let her drop and caught her in one smooth movement.

 

“Caught you,” he muttered, almost shyly.

 

“Second time. You’ll always catch me, huh?”

 

His grip on the back of her thighs tightened. Mmmmmmmmmm…

 

“We doing this again?” he asked instead.

 

Constant hand to thigh contact? Hell yeah they were. “Let’s make it another one of our things. We have the food thing, which sucks, and the piercing thing, which rocks, and the bed buddy thing, which is funny, and now our Baby Lift thing. Cool?”

 

He nodded.

 

There was another moment of silence where he was just…holding her, and…okay.

 

“Dance with me,” she whispered.

 

One of his eyebrows went up. Another bold expression. Go Bucky!

 

“Like that?” He gestured to her laptop.

 

Some guy in a new video was getting a lap dance. She blinked at the screen for a few moments.

 

“Uhh, woah, I haven’t given one of those since…gosh, before we met Thor. It was tequila Tuesday. Me and Jane.”

 

Bucky slowly set her back on the floor. “You and Foster?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, we practiced routines on each other. It was actually a lot of fun, from what I remember. I was pretty drunk.”

 

Jane was probably really worried about her. Hell, everybody was probably upset at the two of them right now. Something slow with a nice beat started playing.

 

“Gosh, JARVIS, real smooth,” she muttered. But she was also grateful to push those thoughts away, so. Go JARVIS. “Just a quick one,” Darcy muttered. She grabbed a table chair and moved it to the open space between the kitchen and the living room. Darcy then gestured for him to sit down.

 

“At least I’m wearing my ass shorts.”

 

“What?” Bucky asked, and right, super soldier hearing.

 

Darcy slowly dropped down onto her knees, spreading her legs apart. Then she placed one hand atop the other on the ground below and slid forward until her chest skimmed the floor. The hair lining her arms stood on end and she wondered if it was because the floor was cool or the effect of Bucky’s rapt attention. She arched her back and wiggled her ass a little. Just for dramatics.

 

“I have a few specific pairs, sleep shorts, denim, and workout. They all make my ass look fantastic.”

 

She straightened up and peeked at Bucky over her shoulder. His eyes were wider than she’d ever seen them; jaw actually dropped.

 

Alright alright alright alright alright.

 

Darcy turned so she was facing Bucky and crawled toward him. She spread her palms against his knees and moved between them, using them to help her balance on the balls of her feet. She made sure to keep a lock on his eyes as she ran her hands up and down his thighs—so firm, hell yea—for a moment before standing up. He looked up at her… and damn. She bit her lip and just went with it, fighting the nervousness and everything else and straddled him. His hands immediately went to her waist to steady her and she slowly seated herself, hands clamped on his shoulders while she ground down to the beat of the song. Darcy moved one of her hands to hair and tugged at it lightly. Emphasis on lightly.

 

Bucky jerked like he was electrocuted.

 

Oh.

 

She tugged his hair again, a fingers tightening in their grip and he exhaled softly, hips matching her rhythm against him.

 

_Oh._

 

Was…was that a thing?

 

Darcy went to yank it again but one of his hands moved from her waist and gently locked around her upper arm. She let his hair go and pulled her arm back. Both of his hands suddenly locked onto her wrists and held them up between their faces in a vice grip, hiding his face.

 

The music cut off and she stared open mouthed at just how hard he was breathing. The only reason she herself wasn’t a panting mess was because she was holding her breath. Darcy swallowed thickly and looked up at the ceiling. She was on fire. Holy hell.

 

Okay, time to switch it up.

 

“JARVIS,” she gasped out.

 

“Yes, Miss Lewis?”

 

She took a few deep breaths to try and steady her heart.

 

“Let’s…play something wild from my playlist. Just…”

 

“Certainly, Miss Lewis.”

 

The song he chose was a cacophony of bizarre riffs and strums and symbols and distorted voices and it was oddly and exactly in tune with Darcy’s mind at this very moment, and also the past, and maybe the future too if she was always going to be like this: a mess. She pulled lightly at Bucky’s grip and he let her go.

 

Off his lap she went, more than a little desperate to rid herself of need to jump his bones. Darcy jumped to the beat of the song, spinning in wild circles and whipping her hair.

 

She felt Bucky’s eyes on hers and she rushed over, pulling him out of the chair and shoving it out of the way.

 

“Dance with me!” she yelled over the music.

 

He stared at her helplessly.

 

“Just spin with me!”

 

She grabbed both of his hands and tugged him along with her, starting slow and then speeding up. In the back of her mind, way back, where all of her concerned and conscious thoughts were being unfairly locked away, there were warning bells blaring. Something about needing to eat and falling apart. The more sarcastic and ready for fun side of her thought it was hilarious how she had managed to not collide with any of the furniture, but that was probably Bucky’s doing.

 

The warning bells rang louder but she hit the ignore button. How rude. Couldn’t it tell she was dancing? It was kind of like the Titanic, them spinning wildly and uncontrolled she was Rose and he was Jack (but she wouldn’t let him go, she wouldn’t let Bucky be lost to the ice again) and she laughed, unabashed, and the music was so loud, and she could hardly catch her breath, and when she opened her eyes Bucky was smiling, and it was stunning, and it was beautiful, and the music sort of faded out, and it felt like she was watching this from another perspective, a ghost Darcy, staring at real Darcy, and then there was nothing at all.

 

.

.

.

Her eyes felt like all the crust of the earth formed over them as she slowly blinked herself awake.

 

“Muuuh,” she croaked, and something shifted.

 

“I’m just checking her vitals again, Sergeant. Is it alright it I do that?”

 

She didn’t hear a reply, but that was definitely Brucey’s voice.

 

Wait. Bruce was here?

 

Her eyes stared dazedly up at the ceiling. What happened to her music? And her bomb-ass dance party?

 

“You fainted.”

 

Bruce appeared in her line of sight and he helped her sit up.

 

“The Sergeant told me that you had a bug and didn’t eat much these past few days you’ve been locked in here. Thank you, by the way, for allowing JARVIS to give us updates even when you ignored everything else.”

 

“I’m like, the queen of ignore,” she mumbled.

 

The bed dipped to her right and she turned to see Bucky now seated next to her.

 

“How long?” she asked.

 

“Few hours. He called me as soon as you collapsed.”

 

Bruce handed her a Gatorade and a banana. “Eat and drink this entire thing, keep the IV in for a another hour, and sleep this off. Tomorrow morning I’ll pop in with a nice healthy bowl of oatmeal, which you will also eat in its entirety. Am I clear?”

 

“Yes mom, what, am I in trouble?” Her lucidity was back, as was her sass.

 

“I wish you had told me you weren’t feeling well instead of locking yourself away. Me being a bit of a doctor and all,” he said, tone pointed.

 

“Sorry. There were…other things.”

 

Bucky was alarmingly still beside her and Bruce was definitely aware of that fact by how stiffly he was moving. He was also pretty mad at her too, so. Oops?

 

“Keep me informed of how she’s doing. And don’t hesitate to call,” he instructed softly.

 

He brushed a strand of Darcy’s hair out of her face and left quietly.

 

And then there were two.

 

She stared at the food and drink in her lap. She didn’t want it.

 

She. Didn’t. Want. It.

 

Bucky took the banana and peeled it to the middle. Then he put it back in her hand.

 

“You’re not like me,” he mumbled.

 

She met his eyes in confusion, because uh, they were actually pretty alike.

 

“You can’t not eat for three days and be alright,” he clarified.

 

Oh. Well, that made sen—

 

“Wait. You haven’t eaten either?” she asked, sitting up.

 

She thought back to the past few days. How hadn’t she noticed? He shook his head.

 

“Why?”

 

He shrugged.

 

“Bucky! You can’t just, not eat—”

 

“I can go two weeks before operations are affected.”

 

She glared. “That doesn’t make it right!”

 

“So what, it’s right when you do it?” he asked, getting just as angry.

 

Darcy paused, mind scrambling to fix this disaster. “Well, it’s not, but I don’t want you messing yourself up because I’m—”

 

“You’re what, messed up? So am I. Thought we figured this out already.”

 

“One, stop interrupting me—”

 

Bucky snorted and rolled his eyes. She glared. He glared back.

 

Darcy was suddenly very, very angry. “I don’t want to deal with this!” she yelled. “I don’t want to eat this damn fruit, I don’t want to be afraid of eating, and I don’t want to put up with your attitude!”

 

Bucky’s eyes narrowed and he rolled off the bed. “Then don’t,” he said simply, and walked out.

 

Her jaw dropped.

 

“JARVIS, where is Bucky headed?”

 

“Sergeant Barnes is approaching the elevator outside of your apartment, Miss Lewis. Should I ask him to return?”

 

“NO! No, don’t do that, please. Just…let him go I guess.”

 

Darcy fiddled with the fruit in her hands. This was…NOT what she’d expected to happen. For a moment the anger was back again and she lifted her arm to hurl the banana at her wall but stopped, instead letting it drop against the napkin on her lap. The she screamed and wrapped her fingers around the ends of her hair, pulling roughly at the strands.

 

“Miss Lewis, please stop causing harm to yourself,” JARVIS spoke, soft but firm enough to be heard over her yelling.

 

She came to the end of her breath with a gasped and released her hair. Her eyes blurred with unshed tears and her throat burned.

 

“I don’t want this, JARVIS,” she croaked out.

 

“I know, Miss Lewis.”

 

She meant a lot of things, but JARVIS was smart, and he probably really _did_ know.

 

“Unfortunately, if you go another day without eating I will have no choice but to alert one of the others. Your safety and health are a priority.”

 

Darcy dropped her head into her hands. She wanted to die she wanted to die she wanted to die she wanted to die—

 

The bed shifted and she looked up to see that Bucky was back. He stared down at the banana in her lap for a long time before he looked he met her eyes.

 

“If…if I go and…talk with S-stark,” he stammered, the relaxed vibe from their mini-vacation/seclusion gone, “Will you eat?”

 

Darcy stared at him for a long time. Bucky hardly asked for things…ever. This was a big deal. He was putting himself and his comfort on the line…and with something so clearly personal. To talk to Tony about his parents…to ask her to do this and make such a daring move…this was a HUGE deal.

 

“I…I’ll eat it, Bucky. You don’t have to…”

 

“Need to, though,” he mumbled.

 

It wasn’t a lie. He really couldn’t hide from Tony forever. And she really couldn’t sit and starve herself like she used too. Not around so many people who cared. And also because it just wasn’t the right thing to do. No matter what her brain told her.

 

“Okay,” she finally answered.

 

He stood up.

 

“By the time you get back, I’ll be done with this,” Darcy whispered, gesturing to her snack.

 

He nodded, and he was shaking, and so was she, and this sucked, so badly. T just really, really, sucked.

 

“Pinkie promise?”

 

His metal finger linked with hers. Then he let his arm drop, took a deep breath, and walked out.

 

~

 

Bucky took comfort in the feel of the Glock 19 tucked into the waistband of his pants. He leaned against the back of the elevator and shook so hard his teeth chattered.

 

“I w-won’t s-shoot him JARVIS,” he said softly, watching with growing peril as the floor numbers went down, down, down.

 

 

“I appreciate that, Sergeant, but I must say that it was never a possibility,” JARVIS answered, and Bucky couldn’t decipher if that was faith in him not hurting Stark or faith in JARVIS’s ability to protect his master.

 

They arrived at Tony’s floor and James was immediately a complete and solid presence at the forefront of his mind, ready to take over at a moment’s notice.

 

“Sir welcomes you, Sergeant. You need only walk in.”

 

The glass lining the workshop was tinted but one of the panes slid to the side revealing a glimpse of a vast technological wonder. Bucky was struck by sudden loud music. He cautiously stepped in and a few hundred feet away was Stark, arms deep in some type of machinery.

 

“JARVIS, cut the tunes buddy.”

 

The workshop went silent. Stark kept his hands busy but his shoulders were tense.

 

“Feel free to move closer, Daft Punk. We’ve been meaning to have this chat for a while.”

 

Bucky knew Daft Punk. Darcy had showed him. Bucky also knew now that Stark had his mother’s eyes. Eyes that bled while he—

 

“Slow that breathing down, will ya? It’s making me antsy.”

 

Bucky worked to calm himself but made no move closer as Stark requested. He watched. He waited.

 

Tony sighed and pulled his hands out of whatever he was working on. He stepped in Bucky’s direction and Bucky immediately had his gun out. Stark froze for a moment while red lights littered the entirety of Bucky’s body. A series of muffled high pitched beeps and screeches sounded but Bucky kept his eyes trained on Stark. Sweat dripped down his forehead.

 

“Cool it J, he’s not gonna shoot me,” Tony said.

 

“I unfortunately cannot ‘cool it’ as you say, Sir.”

 

Stark shrugged at that and walked to another table. He grabbed a towel and wiped his hands. Then he turned and faced Bucky again.

 

Bucky was shaking violently, but his trigger hand was steady. Tony walked toward him and Bucky could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, and James was unsteady, and somehow, his back was pressed against the glass and the barrel of his gun was against Stark’s forehead.

 

Bucky was taller but he felt like a worm as he stared into Stark’s eyes. Stark held his gaze until Bucky couldn’t see properly anymore.

 

Why?

 

 _We are crying_ , James supplied.

 

Sobbing, He was sobbing.

 

Tony reached forward and took the gun out of his hands, emptying the cartridge and tossing it to the side. Bucky found himself sliding down until he was seated. Tony stared down at him and the knelt until he was eye-level.

 

“You’re crying,” he said, “Which means you’re feeling something. Guilt, I’m sure. Horror, disgust, shame... Fear too, which is why you locked yourself away. All very human.”

 

Stark paused and looked at his hands. “I was angry at my dad for a long time. He was a drunk, and my mother was a mess, but he’d never driven under the influence and I just didn’t understand why he’d done such a terrible thing and taken my mom with him. And then the leak happened, and JARVIS snatched everything up, and I finally understood what really happened.”

 

Bucky tried to control himself but he couldn’t. James was subdued.

 

“Their bodies were mangled. The autopsy showed a lot of irregularities that I was too drunk and angry to look further into but I remember hearing that they’d suffered.”

 

Tony looked up from his hands and into Bucky’s eyes again.

 

“And now we’re here, and you remember what happened, and you’re a sobbing mess on my floor, and you’ve never looked more human to me then you do now, and I know that if you’d been aware, it wouldn’t have happened, because there’s no way the guy I’m looking at now could have done what you’re blaming yourself for.”

 

Bucky dropped his head. “I’m s-s-sorry,” he gasped out, and Tony shook his head.

 

“I know you are. And I accept your apology because I know you need me too. But it wasn’t you. They used your body and they corrupted your mind but it wasn’t _you_.”

 

Bucky sniffled, wiping his eyes.

 

“JARVIS, let the bots out. Tell DUM-E to bring me a fresh towel.”

 

There was a clatter of things falling and wheels skidding and screeches and beeps before a machine with a clawed hand was beside them, towel in its grasp. It moved between him and Tony with another series of high-pitched noises.

 

“Oh, hush. Daddy’s fine, see? Just a little drama. I only locked you away for a little bit. U! Quit that tantrum over there.”

 

Bucky stared between them with wide eyes, and DUM-E placed the towel in his lap. He picked it up and wiped his face. The robot slowly extended its claw toward him and he carefully held up his metal hand. The sound it made somehow encapsulated awe.

 

“Touching moment. So, are we done? I’m allergic to high amounts of emotion and I already feel myself breaking out in hives.”

 

Tony stood up and wiped imaginary dust off onto his already stained jeans. Bucky blinked. He couldn’t keep up. He’d killed this man’s parents and…Bucky didn’t know how to feel that he hadn’t been harmed or punished in any way. Forgiveness was still so foreign.

 

“Feel free to stick around down here. Figure yourself out. Also, I’m keeping your gun and making a new one. If you want to aim a gun at me, I want it to be of the highest quality. Capisce? “

 

He nodded numbly, before letting his head fall back against the glass.

 

“I don’t understand, JARVIS,” he muttered after a few moments. DUM-E was still prodding at his arm.

 

“Many have tried and failed, Sergeant. Just accept what Sir offers. This is genuine.”

 

Bucky nodded and closed his eyes. A small weight was lifted. It was…nice.

 

~

 

Darcy wiped at her eyes, swallowed the rest of her banana, and immediately called Jane. It was alarming how fast she appeared in the apartment, yelling the entire way into her bedroom.

 

“Three days, Darcy!? Three whole days, missed calls, missed texts, only JARVIS keeping all of us from freaking the hell out and—

 

She paused at the sight of Darcy in tears and hooked up to an IV.

 

“What…Darcy,” Jane whispered.

 

She climbed onto the bed and gathered her into her arms, holding her close. Darcy cried harder.

 

“What’s going on, Darce? God, we were so worried.”

 

“I finished my banana,” Darcy wailed.

 

It was nice to be held like this. She missed Jane. She also kind of wanted her mom.

 

“I don’t know what that means, but I’ve got you, okay?”

 

Darcy didn’t really know what it meant either, but maybe it was the start of something better.

 

The fruit felt heavy in her stomach.

 

She really hoped so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Tony. Team cap though, but God, I really love Tony.
> 
> Also...sexy times ;)
> 
> Edit!!: 
> 
> songs I listened too during the lap dance
> 
> -The Way by Kehlani  
> -Special Affair by The Internet
> 
> song played before Darcy fainted
> 
> -Inhuman by Sonic Youth


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes will have my silly excuses.
> 
> Chapter warnings: discussion and mentions of eating disorder, dissociation, mild mentions of torture (though no torture is mild, HYDRA sucks y'all)

His head hurt. It was strange because he was so accustomed to pain but his time away from the chair left him with the emotions that came with it. They would always hurt him but he didn’t really _feel_. Now he felt all the time and he didn’t know how to constantly deal with it.

 

His head hurt.

 

“How long has he been like this?”

 

“Uhh…so you know how you guys totally knew HYDRA used him to kill my parents and didn’t tell me? Thanks for telling me about that, by the way. It was great finding that out by myself and the absolute meltdown that came with it. But I’m guessing you didn’t tell him either? So me and Terminator had a talk and he completely broke down and it was very emotional, Oscar worthy really, and I forgave him and now he’s like this.”

 

“Jesus, Tony.”

 

“Language, Steven. Is that call to Jesus a plea for forgiveness and being a lying liarson, or maybe more of an avoiding avoiderson, that sounds about right, or that your buddy is rapidly approaching a vegetable state?”

 

Someone touched his hair. It was nice. Familiar. Steve?

 

“Tony,” said Steve again, and there was a lot to decipher in his tone but Bucky’s head hurt too much to look in Steve’s direction.

 

“I don’t think he knows how to process the fact that he was used to kill them AND your forgiveness. His brain is trying to protect itself. This is too much back to back trauma. Let’s fight about our avoidance later.”

 

Sam.

 

“Sure, but only because I’m growing to actually like the kid. Ugh.”

 

“Can you be serious for one moment, Tony?”

 

“My parents are dead, Steve. Where’s the joke? Can you maybe be a little bit less of a dick for one moment, or am I asking for too much?”

 

“This tension is making me uncomfortable.”

 

That was a new voice. Banner.

 

“Brucey Baby, just in time.”

 

 

“Bucky? Can you hear me?” Steve again.

 

“Gosh, I wish I’d tried that earlier.” Tony. _That_ tone he could identify. Sarcasm.

 

“Tony. Stop.” Banner.

 

“I figured we shouldn’t touch him too much. I don’t know where his head was at but it’s not in a good place. Dissociation with his trauma background can switch to something violent very quickly.”

 

“I agree Sam. You’re more the one to call here. The most I could do is hook him up to an EEG and get some brain readings to see if this is something more physical then mental. But…” Banner trailed off.

 

But what?

 

“Still has the potential to violently trigger him. And regardless, I’d rather we have his consent for that,” Sam finished.

 

Yes. Consent. That applied to him now.

 

“I’m going to try something,” Banner said, and something in Bucky churned uncomfortably.

 

_I will move us if necessary._

James drifted forward, his presence heavy and settling.

 

“You’re texting. You think he can hear us?” Sam asked. Steve’s hand was still in his hair, smoothing it back.

 

“I’m almost certain he can, actually,” Banner answered, “I’m pretty sure there are parts of him that are always aware even when his body and mind aren’t on the same page. It’s amazing how we learn to protect ourselves overtime.” Again, Bucky wished he was put together enough to move to see the expression behind the tone.

 

“No, DUM-E, leave cold shoulder alone. Stay over here.” Protective? Bucky wouldn’t hurt Stark’s robot. Bucky didn’t know if he were capable of harming anything of Starks after what he’d done.

 

There was the slide of something, the door maybe?

 

“Oh, well that’s interesting. Nice to know I’m the only one seeing things.” Sam.

 

“What’s going on? I thought you put me on bed rest.” Darcy? Her voice was raspy. Tired. “What the hell happened to Bucky?”

 

“Lady Darcy, mind your wires.”

 

“I’m fine, Thor, put me down, what the hell. I’m not a damsel.”

 

“Woah, cool that hellfire gaze. I promise all we did was talk. Wait, you knew too?”

 

“Only a few days ago, Tony, I swear.”

 

“And then you locked all of us out of your room, scaring us half to death.” Jane.

 

There were too many people around him and he still couldn’t move.

 

_I can get us out of here. Give the command and I will._

“Thor, put me down. Just on the floor. The IV is long enough.”

 

“Dr. Banner?”

 

“Not asking, Thor. Bruce isn’t my dad. Thanks for the concern, everybody. But here I am, still breathing. Bucky didn’t strangle me to death on our getaway.”

 

“That’s not the point, Darcy—”

“Down, Thor.”

 

There was a moment of small sounds and slight shifting that indicated he was doing exactly what she asked, and then suddenly, her bright green eyes were in his line of sight from where he was curled up.

 

“Hey,” she said simply.

 

He zeroed in on her, blurred vision becoming clearer.

 

“There you are. You have a couple people worried, bed buddy.”

 

“Wait, what?” Tony.

 

“Don’t worry about Tony right now. Let him perve out.”

 

How could Bucky not worry about Tony? He owed him everything.

 

“Guessing that talk was intense, huh?”

 

She shifted carefully and he registered her hand against his metal one from where it was curled into a fist and clutched to his chest. Slowly, the fingers unfolded and she locked hers and his together.

 

He blinked.

 

“Interesting.” Banner again. Bucky didn’t like being observed.

 

“Steve’s the one with his hand in your hair. I think he likes my shampoo.”

 

Bucky blinked again.

 

“It’s okay, James,” she whispered softly, and James seemed to…calm. “Let’s sit up, yeah? I know Tony’s floor are heated and that is super cool but beds are even cooler.”

 

Bucky’s body twitched for a moment and Steve’s hand stilled in his hair. Moving his body again was similar to the utter chaos he’d felt in his core when they’d ripped him from cryosleep. It was discombobulating.

 

“Hey hey hey, take your time.”

 

“Watch your hand, Darcy—”

 

“I swear to God if you keep acting like he’s the damn threat…” she let that sentence trail off.

 

“It wouldn’t be intentional. Vets don’t always mean—”

 

Bucky heaved himself up with a gasp. His head lolled forward and he used his flesh hand to keep his body steady.

 

“It’s alive!”

 

“Tony goddammit!”

 

Bucky shuddered and Darcy slowly sat up and moved so she was in front of him. She touched his face gently with her unoccupied hand and carefully pushed his head up so they could lock eyes. Her hand was warm. Her gaze was kind.

 

“Let’s get up,” she whispered.

 

His legs came back online and he stood and carefully pulled Darcy up with him. She stumbled forward and he steadied her with his metal arm. Everyone in the room shifted. Darcy kept her eyes on his.

 

“You’ll always catch me, right?” she asked.

 

He nodded. Sweat was dotted against her forehead and for a moment he was angry at Banner for calling her when she…

 

He blinked.

 

What did Banner _know_? And why did Sam…

 

He finally looked away from her and met Banner’s eyes first, then Sam’s, then Steve’s. He couldn’t look at Stark just yet.

 

Her legs trembled and he turned to Thor.

 

“Of course, friend Buchanan.”

 

He strode over but Darcy clamped her hands down on both his shoulders.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

He just stared at her and understanding filled her gaze. She nodded.

 

“Back to bed, Thor,” Darcy acquiesced, and Thor pulled her into his arms. Jane stared at Bucky for a moment before she grabbed the IV stand to roll behind them as they walked out.

 

Everyone seemed to come back to themselves after the trio left.

 

“Like I said,” Sam started, “Interesting.”

 

Bucky ignored him and turned to Steve. He didn’t want to be examined, or observed, or monitored, or anything. He was angry, and he was tired. So tired.

 

“Buck.”

 

He looked up and blinked lazily. When did Steve get so close.

 

“Perhaps we’ll give the Sergeant some time to recuperate,” Banner suggested.

 

Steve wrapped an arm around his flesh shoulder and Bucky didn’t have much left in him to resist the touch. The walk out of the workshop was strange. Like watching it outside of himself. Steve’s hands were still on him, and Sam was saying things, and the earlier suspicion was gone. His tone was soft. What was wrong with him?

 

He watched his socked feet they moved. That in itself was alarming. Why did he confront Stark in non-combative clothing? What if he’d slipped?

 

Where was his head at? It was such a…rookie mistake. HYDRA would have had him lap his own shit off the floor for even thinking of entertaining such a poorly planned scenario.

 

He let out a breathy laugh that had Steve and Sam staring at him with more concern.

 

“It might be good for you to sleep this off,” said Sam and that was fine with Bucky.

 

Being awake was…not pleasant right now.

 

_It never hurt this much when they put us on ice._

It made Bucky nauseas to agree.

 

They entered the elevator and just as the doors closed, he caught a glimpse of red hair rounding the corner.

 

~

 

Darcy appropriately named that incident Shitastrophy. So she’d had a mild(major)MILD breakdown. No big deal.

 

A week had gone by since then and things were a little weird. Weird as in more eyes were on her. She’d been used to people watching Bucky whenever he was in a room with them but now she found herself catching more than one gaze from the rest of the team. It was unnerving. It was also annoying.

 

That and she hadn’t seen much of Bucky anyway. But to be fair to him, it really _was_ a bad time and she didn’t blame him from needing space.

 

She’d stay far away from herself too, if she could. Though there was the issue that she had no idea how it was affecting his eating habits and it was really nerve-wracking to think about. But she really _really_ didn’t want to force her company on him. Especially after that mess. The fact that she’d starved herself and didn’t realize that he’d done so with her made her want to peel off her own skin. How disgusting of her.

 

Darcy sighed and focused on her task. There was always time for self-loathing later.

 

She was on her way to delivering her next batch of Sorry Cookies to Jane and Thor, two people she really needed to be a little nicer too, considering they were some of her closest friends and she’d scared the actual hell out of them during the Shitastrophy, when Natasha appeared from around the corner.

 

Holy heart attack, Batman!

 

Darcy halted her step and balanced the box of cookies in her hand.

 

“Better reaction. Good,” said Natasha.

 

“Something tells me nothing about this casual encounter is a good thing,” Darcy deadpanned, but her heart was pounding.

 

“What, I can’t just seek you out for a little chat, kotonyok?”

 

“There’s painting our nails chats and there’s super creepy appear in front of me chats, so…”

 

Natasha smiled. Darcy peed a little.

 

“You’re looking better enough to spar. We’ve missed a few sessions.”

 

Darcy resumed her walking and Natasha fell into step beside her, ever graceful.

 

“I’m feeling better. That cold really took a lot out of me.”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

Darcy kept her eyes resolutely forward. She wished she could nope herself out of this conversation.

 

“So this thing with you and Barnes.”

 

“What thing with me and Barnes?”

 

“You’re confirming there _is_ a thing then?”

 

“Nope. He’s my friend.”

 

“Yes, I believe we went over that. Steve is Bucky’s friend too. His best friend. But Steve has no idea what’s happening with him and is nearly beside himself with worry. And then there’s you. Turning up on Steve’s floor soaking wet, vanishing for days without a word to anyone and coaxing him out of emotional catatonia.”

 

Darcy winced. The last thing she wanted was to cause any further rift between Bucky and Steve but people kept making it out to seem like that was exactly what she was doing.

 

At least she didn’t know about the lap dance.

 

“We understand each other,” Darcy tried again.

 

“That’s the part that worries me.”

 

“You? Worried? I don’t believe that.” Her joke fell flat. “He’s not going to hurt me, Natasha.”

 

Natasha didn’t say anything for a while and Darcy gripped the corners of the box so her hands wouldn’t shake.

 

“What could you possibly understand so deeply with the longest suffering POW?” Natasha asked softly.

 

Darcy stopped walking but Natasha continued, turning back to catch her eye before she vanished around another corner.

 

Yikes.

.

.

.

 

Darcy let her head rest against the marble top of the common floor kitchen table when Clint appeared by her side.

 

“You’re lookin’ a little down in the dumps, spitfire.”

 

Darcy angled her head in his direction. “Just contemplating my woes. Typical day.”

 

“Sounds fun. Miss your man?”

 

She glared.

 

“Just sayin’, it’s been a week and none of us have really seen him.”

 

“What, worried he’s not off murdering someone?”

 

Clint shook his head. “Nah, worried he’s too far in his head. Mind control leaves you in a really weird place. Are these more of your cookies?”

 

Oh. Right. If anyone would get it…she nodded and sat up to look at him fully. Clint took one.

 

“Does he…since you’re seeing things from a different perspective, look any better to you? Like, at all?”

 

He chewed for a bit before answering, “Hell yeah he does. I was on legitimate guard duty when he was first brought in. He’s definitely better.”

 

Darcy let herself slump a bit in relief. “That’s good.” Clint sat down and Darcy leaned her head against his shoulder.

 

“Do me a favor?” she asked.

 

“Depends.”

 

“Talk to Bucky for me?”

 

Clint dropped his cookie. “Aww, cookie, no…” He stared down at it sadly before looking up at her. “Umm…”

 

“I mean…you’re one of the few of us that gets it.”

 

He looked away from her and reached for another cookie. “Can’t promise you that, Darce.”

 

She shrugged. “That’s fine. Completely up to you. I know a thing or two about delving into terrible things.”

 

His eyes on her were sharp, and she completely got why he and Natasha worked so well together. “Do you?” he asked.

 

Darcy got out of answering when Tony swept into the room dramatically, gun in hand.

 

“Um,” she said.

 

“Bring this to tall, dark, and menacing. Better gun. He dropped his in the lab and I like my residents suitably armed.”

 

Clint snorted. “Hill will love that.”

 

“Hill’s not the boss of me. Pepper’s the boss of me,” Tony responded with a wave of his hand. He left as quickly as he came, mumbling about schematics.

 

“Um,” she said again, and pondered the gun in her hands. “I guess I’ll go and…give this to him.”

 

Clint shrugged and reached for another cookie. “Sure.”

 

Again, yikes.

.

.

.

Gun in hand, Darcy took exactly seven deep breaths before she knocked on Steve’s apartment door.

 

Sam opened it and immediately locked on the gun in her hands.

 

“It’s a gift to Bucky from Tony.”

 

“Of course it is,” he said with a sigh and let her in. He shut the door behind her and turned to give her a quick once over, which was probably worth volumes of information in Sam’s eyes. All these damn observant people, observing her.

 

It was a bit awkward, standing there with the gun.

 

“How is Steve?” she asked.

 

“Fine. He’s in the gym.”

 

“Okay. And how is Bucky?”

 

Sam didn’t answer. Okay.

 

“Is he here?”

 

“In his room.”

 

She bit her lip and started in that direction.

 

“I don’t what what’s happening with you two, and I’m sure whatever you’re hiding is filled with good intentions and all that, but you might need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. See if it’s helping or hurting.”

 

Blank faced, she turned around and nodded. “Okay.”

 

Sam said nothing else so she continued to Bucky’s room calmly as if her heart wasn’t trying to beat itself out of her ribcage.

 

Serious Sam was a stressful Sam and his words settled deeply on her. She reached Bucky’s door and knocked gently.

 

“Bucky? It’s Darcy.”

 

She didn’t hear any movement, not that she expected too, but the door opened a few moments later and…wow…would she ever not be struck by how utterly gorgeous he was?

 

It’d been a week. Clearly she was having withdrawals.

 

He was looking at the gun. Right.

 

“Um, Tony said o give this to you. Basically said your other one was crappy.” She handed it to him and he turned it over multiple times before tucking it away. “Do you mind if I come in?” she asked quietly.

 

He gave her a funny look and moved so she could step in and shut the door behind her. They both stared at each other.

 

“So, uh, how’ve you been?”

 

“Okay,” he answered simply.

 

“That’s good.” She toed at the carpet beneath her shoe. “Haven’t seen you much this week.”

 

“Figured you might want some space,” he answered just a quietly with a soft shrug.

 

“Oh.” Then her head shot up. “Wait, really?”

 

He frowned. “Yes?”

 

“Well, that’s funny. I kinda stayed away because I thought you wanted the same thing.”

 

He gave her a look as if to say ‘why would I want that’? Give her an hour and she could come up with a list longer than an Ivy League graduation ceremony. Darcy joined him on the bed.

 

“It was a rough few days, wasn’t it?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Well, maybe we can both try to work on our communication a bit.”

 

He nodded again and settled further back on the bed before pulling out the gun Tony gave him and taking it apart, piece by piece. Darcy crawled oppositite of him and mimicked his seating position. She watched him work, mesmerized. Parts of the gun were pretty small and she was struck by the dexterity of the arm, how well he worked with what had been forced on him. Not that HYDRA would have accepted any less. It both nauseated and amazed her. She was proud of him but she hurt for him.

 

“Is James okay?”

 

“He’s quiet.”

 

“Is that a good thing?”

 

Bucky shrugged, reversing the process and putting the gun back together. “Do you know how to shoot?” he asked.

 

“I do, actually. My Nana taught me.” Her Nana was a badass woman, who raised her mother to be a badass woman, who raised Darcy, who could be badass when she wasn’t a complete wreck. “I’ve never shot a person before, though.”

 

Bucky’s fingers stilled on the complete weapon and he lifted his head to stare at her. “Good,” he finally answered, and tucked the gun under his pillow.

 

She scooted a bit closer and took a deep breath before broaching the next subject. “Do you like Steve? Am I…getting in the way of your friendship? Because I don’t…I don’t want to be the cause of that. When you stood up to him about the nail polish thing and all…I don’t want to mess with what you have. It’d honestly break my heart.”

 

It would though. Steve and Bucky and the strangeness between them was a growing sense of unease for her and other members of the team and she had a feeling they were wondering if it was partly her fault, and she kind of wondered that as well, and that was another burden she didn’t think she could handle: ruining Steve and Bucky, BFF’s for life.

 

Bucky looked away from her out the tinted window. She couldn’t see much but she was almost positive his enhanced eyes could.

 

“S’not you. S’not Steve either. S’me.”

 

Darcy’s frown deepened.

 

“My head gets…real bad when he’s near me sometimes. They um. They hurt me a lot, to try and burn him out. So I. I re-remember that now when I l-look at him.”

 

Oh. Oh _God_. She swallowed thickly and moved so she could embrace him.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

 

“Me too,” he mumbled.

 

“Have you tried to tell him that?”

 

Bucky shook his head no and took a few deep breaths.

 

“I think you should try and tell him? Let you know that you don’t hate him, you know? But that’s up to you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

She took a moment to pay attention to simply hold him and further enforce that fact that he wasn’t alone before pulling back and giving him a little room.

 

“How’s your eating?” she asked.

 

Bucky shrugged. “I ate three slices of pizza with cheese and kept it down.”

 

She smiled. “That’s awesome Bucky! Fist bump, dude.”

 

He blushed a looked away but gently knocked his metal fist against hers. That warmed her too, the fact that he was using his metal arm with her more and more. She’d never be afraid of it.

 

“In all seriousness though, I’m happy food is getting easier for you. What happened, with me, when I wasn’t eating and you weren’t eating…that can’t…that can’t happen. I know it’s not logical, the way I avoid food sometimes, but I’m at a point where reason doesn’t always work. How I’m dealing with my disorder shouldn’t be something you follow to make me comfortable.”

 

Bucky looked away again. “Wasn’t uncomfortable. I can go two weeks without eating before primary functions are compromised.”

 

Darcy was suddenly furious and she grabbed both of his hands and squeezed. “JARV, music.”

 

Something soft rock-ish played and she hoped it was enough to drown out the sound of her trying not lose her shit. “You shouldn’t have to, goddammit!” she yelled.

 

His eyes widened.

 

“You shouldn’t have to and you don’t have to. I don’t care about what HYDRA said you are capable of in the field. This isn’t the field. This is your home! Screw HYDRA, screw what they said! Don’t deny yourself food because you can handle it. You deserve to eat!”

 

He didn’t say anything and she leaned forward desperately. “They were wrong, Bucky. You and Steve metabolize food much faster then a typical person. The reason Steve keeps stuffing you when he gets the chance is because you’re supposed to need it. HYDRA lied. They forced you to deal with hunger like it was some annoying fly when it was actually a denial of your basic human right. They knew you needed more food than normal and they gave you less, and then they said you deal with it or we hurt you. So you dealt with it.”

 

The blue in Bucky’s wide eyes were stunning.

 

“You don’t have to deal with it anymore, okay? If I’m being silly and I don’t eat, you don’t have to sit there and not eat. I’m not going to punish you. No one is going to punish you for you choosing not to continually hurt yourself. Regardless of how everyone acts around you they do all want you to get better. I want you to get better.”

 

It took him a while and Darcy held her breath the entire time but finally, finally, he nodded.

 

“Okay.”

 

She sighed and rubbed small circles on the back of his hands. The music faded out.

 

“But…how do I know if I’m hungry?” he asked, voice soft, shy.

 

Darcy looked up at the ceiling and prayed and begged to any deity listening to her thoughts that HYDRA and all of its remnants would burn to the ground.

 

“We’ll figure it out one step at a time.”

 

He nodded.

 

~

 

 

Darcy’d left a while ago to ‘be a better friend to Jane’ as she said and Bucky sat on his bed for a while contemplating everything she’d told him.

 

She was right, and HYDRA was wrong, but he didn’t understand why his body kept trying to fight that fact. He stood up and walked to his bathroom, peering down at where vomit was now crusting against the side of the lid.

 

He hadn’t lied. He kept the pizza down. He’d kept a lot of things down. But he’d also had a lot of bad memories force themselves out of hiding. Some things he’d done were bad. Some thing he’d done were…

 

Bucky clenched his eyes shut and opened them again. He grabbed a wet wipe and cleaned off the toilet, flushing the rest of the evidence.

 

Throwing up because his stomach couldn’t handle it and making himself throw up because he deserved to hurt were two completely different things.

 

So he didn’t lie to Darcy. He _didn’t_.

 

It still sat wrongly in him. All of this was wrong. But like she’d said, they’d take it one step at a time.

 

And he believed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Um.
> 
> 1\. HYDRA!Cap broke my heart. I need you to understand this, and I'm sure most of you understand how terrible this entire thing is, and I am so angry and hurt. Steven Rogers isn't HYDRA. I don't care how they manage to fix it, even if the deem this something ending to be fixed, I just wish they'd never done it in the first place. I want you to know that if you're angry, your anger is valid. Don't let anyone make light of how you feel about it. It doesn't matter if you don't read the comics or don't know every little detail about Cap. If you're angry, its fine. A lot of people have tried to downplay how upset I am and they can miss me with it. HYDRA!Cap can suck my ass. I'm bitter. :'(
> 
> 2\. On a much lighter note, when I saw how many kudos this fic has I completely panicked and stayed away from writing for literally like, 2 weeks lol. A lot of you are so kind and supportive of this story and I really don't want to let you down. I truly appreciate each and every kudos, each and every comment, each and every view. You are all so lovely. Even if I don't respond to all of you, it means a lot that you've given and continue to give this story a chance. 
> 
> 3\. Notice how Darcy continues to downplay her downward spiral? Not good. And Bucky is in a strange place, isn't he? And the Team is finally starting to notice. Lots of talking the chapter. Lots of little things.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your continued support and patience. <3
> 
> Warnings: mild-mentions of torture, murder. Graphic descriptions of eating disorder.

Sometimes he sat himself in front of his mirror for hours to memorize his body. To put a real, physical appearance to his thoughts. There were moments when he woke up that he didn’t know who he was, or what he was, or what time it was, what year, did he have two flesh arms, or one, was his hair short, or long, was he strapped down to a table of nestled comfortably in his bed…?

 

So he’d peel off all of his clothes and seat himself before the mirror drilled into the wall by his bathroom door and just stare.

 

He started with his hair, running his flesh hand through the strands to tug at the ends. From there he traced his face, pressed his fingers against the natural pout of his lips, the cleft of his chin. He wrapped his fingers loosely against his throat, slowly tightening the pressure until JARVIS asked him to stop.

 

The scars on his left shoulder were next. Sometimes he felt nothing, sometimes it was so sensitive it’d make him cry if they hadn’t burnt typical pain response out of him. His metal arm came after. The ridges, the grooves, the star. It was his arm. An anomaly, yes, but his.

 

His chest was still solid but less defined. He’d lost weight, but retained most of the muscle mass. Still, it was noticeable. The arm sat more heavily.

 

Half-truth. That’s what he was doing. Almost. He was keeping his food down much better than before Darcy had noticed. Now it wasn’t really his previously restricted diet that made him vomit. It was the self-loathing. The need to punish himself. The metal arm was merciless. Cold fingers that had ended countless lives now jammed themselves down his throat hard enough to make him bleed. It was an interesting, when he was finished, to stare despondently as the saliva and crusted vomit against the sharp silver and compare it to the memory dried dark blood of his victims before HYDRA collected him and put him through his wash cycle.

 

“JARVIS,” Bucky called out into the dimly lit room.

 

“Yes, Sergeant?”

 

“Do you know what I do?”

 

“Please clarify, Sergeant.”

 

“When I ask you to leave.”

 

JARVIS was silent for a moment and Bucky turned his attention back to his examination. He gently gripped his penis, cupped his balls, gripped his thighs.

 

“I am aware, yes.” JARVS finally answered.

 

“How?” Bucky asked, toneless. He didn’t feel anything right now.

 

“The amount of food you bring to your room is well beyond what you’ve normally been able to adjust since your arrival at the Tower. When you do allow me reentry, there is a pallor to your skin that wasn’t there before. Your eyes are red-rimmed. You are covered in sweat and your voice has a rasp similar to that after one of your regular meals doesn’t sit right with your system.”

 

“Hm,” Bucky said simply. He scooted back and stretched his legs out, wiggling his toes. “Do you like it?”

 

“…Pardon?” JARVIS asked, and it was a testament to Starks’s genius that Bucky was so able to place a…feeling to that tone.

 

“I killed Stark’s parents. I hurt him. Do you like it when I hurt myself?”

 

“Is that why you choose this harm yourself?”

 

Bucky didn’t answer. Instead he stood and stretched in the mirror before he put his clothes back on.

 

“It doesn’t please me. I very much doubt it would please Sir either.”

 

Bucky shrugged at JARVIS’s answer and moved onto something else. He stared at his newly clothed reflection.

 

There was also the issue with Steve. It wsa more than what he’d told her. Another half-truth. Yes, his head ached something horrible sometimes when he was around Steve. But there was also…Steve was…the history books had them outlined. Friends since they were young. Best friends. Always together. Always had each other’s backs. Loyal. Unwavering.

 

Bucky wasn’t sure if he was still that guy.

 

He wasn’t sure if he was anyone.

 

And he didn’t think he could handle being a disappointment. Not to Steve.

 

There was hardly anything left of him after HYDRA, and to lose Steve would…

 

“Miss Lewis has sent you a text. Your phone is on silent.”

 

Bucky blinked and reached under his pillow.

 

_Powerpuff Girl’s marathon @ my place. Mad snacks yo. Crown Prince and his Fair Maiden gonna b there tho. :/ Cool or nah? – D_

Bucky took a deep breath. James was silent. He could do it.

 

_Cool –BB_

_^_^ –BB_

 

~

 

Darcy checked her phone and flailed wildly on the couch.

 

“Oh my God,” she squealed, sliding on to the floor and kicking her feet wildly. “Why is he so gosh darned cute! What the flip flops!”

 

She sat up to reply.

 

_Yay!! :))))) –D_

“Darce?”

 

Darcy looked up to see Thor and Jane on the couch, watching her.

 

She would not blush. She would. Not. Blush.

 

“It’s not the weirdest thing you’ve seen me do,” she said in her defense. “Bucky’s coming, by the way.”

 

Thor lit up. “I have not had the chance to spend time with the Sergeant.”

 

“Glad you’re excited. Try not to um…”

 

Thor gave her a look. “I have dealt with hurt warriors before, Lady Darcy.”

 

“No, yeah, you’re right. My bad.”

 

Jane grabbed a pack of Skittles. “I’m tempted to break out the tequila for this.”

 

Darcy shook her head. “Nah, let’s save that for a girl’s night. We can ask Nat, Maria, and Pep for their schedules.”

 

Jane smiled. “That’ll be interesting. We have _so_ much to discuss.”

 

Darcy smiled back. “I’m sure we do.”

 

Thor looked between them, brows furrowed.

 

“Sergeant Barnes is at the door.”

 

“Let him in JARV,” Darcy said.

 

She stood up to meet him as he walked in and gave him a quick once over. He looked…

 

Darcy glanced back at the royals before she took Bucky’s hand in hers and led him back outside her apartment. He stared down at her blankly.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

He shrugged.

 

“No, Bucky. If you’re uncomfortable then you don’t have to watch. I know you don’t really…hang with the others besides Sam and Steve and even that’s a bit...not good. But um, I think it might be a good idea because I can’t be the one you spend most of your time with. But also, remember, completely your choice. ”

 

He looked away from her for a moment and when he met her gaze again, his eyes seemed clearer. “I don’t mind,” he said softly.

 

“Mind what?”

 

“Spending most of my time with you.”

 

Hell was cooler than she felt at that exact moment.

 

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…okay.” She fanned her face. “That’s…I’m glad you feel that way. Same goes for you.”

 

What was this third grade sentence structure? Get it together, Darcy!

 

Bucky averted his gaze and that gave her a bit of time to catch her breath. His direct attention with a statement like that was something fierce. Move along, Darcy.

 

“But I mean, it’s also healthy to develop more than one relationship, you know?”

 

He shrugged again. She let it go.

 

“So, are you okay with this? With Jane and Thor and me?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Can I have something verbal?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay. Good.”

 

They walked back in and Darcy tried to school her face into something neutral. That conversation ad honestly gone nowhere she’d thought it would but honestly, what a magnificent representation of her entire damned life.

 

“So I have a bunch of candy, chips, cookies, popcorn, and soda. Pick anything you like.”

 

She swallowed thickly and settled on the other end of the couch, curling up under a blanket she’d brought. Bucky settled down on the carpet in front of her.

 

“There’s space up here,” she frowned.

 

“It’s fine.” He reached for a pack of Oreos.

 

“I’m happy to share your company, Friend Buchannan.”

 

Darcy hid her smile at the look Bucky gave Thor before he nodded unsurely. Jane waved his way and nodded again.

 

“JARVIS, play please,” Darcy asked.

 

The lights dimmed and she mouthed along to the opening sequence she’d memorized as a kid. With each episode, Bucky seemed to relax further and further until his rigid stance gave way and he leaned his back against the edge of the couch. He was making his way through a pack of Twizzlers next.

 

“Pardon my interruption, but Mr. Barton is requesting entrance, and in his words, he is greatly dismayed and offended at his lack of invite.”

 

Darcy rolled her eyes. “You cool with that?” she asked Bucky.

 

He nodded.

 

“Let him in, JARV.”

 

Clint walked in with a grin. “I brought donuts.”

 

“Jelly?” Darcy asked, batting her eyes playfully.

 

“Babe, please. Give me some credit.” He opened the box and she took one.

 

Only one.

 

“Barnes, Pikachu, Marie Curie,” Clint greeted before settling down.

 

“Not the same science, Clint,” Jane laughed, “But I appreciate the effort.”

 

“I live to please.”

 

“Subtitles, JARVIS,” Darcy asked, and the show resumed.

 

“I have my aids in.”

 

Darcy shrugged. Clint signed thank you and she blew him a kiss in response.

 

“Which one was your favorite, Darce?” Jane asked.

 

“Bubbles.”

 

“Really?” Clint asked, “I thought you’d be a Buttercup girl. All that spunk.”

 

“Oh I was spunky, but I also cried a lot as a kid. It was nice seeing another crier on screen.”

 

She’d had a pretty great childhood, but gosh, she’d also been a pretty sad kid at times. And that developed into something deeper and darker and here she was today, an absolute mess. She took a small bite of her donut. Bucky nudged her foot and she looked down at him with a soft smile.

 

“I’m fine,” she muttered.

 

“I liked Blossom,” Jane said after a moment.

 

“A fine choice. Two bright minds,” Thor complimented.

 

Darcy and Clint locked eyes and smothered their laughter. It was nice, just sitting with good friends. She finished the donut and it felt fine in her stomach. There was no guilt or anything. Just a good ole donut.

 

“Where’s Nat?”

 

“Out gathering intel.”

 

Darcy pouted. “Aww, I wanted her to join us.”

 

“There’s always next time.”

 

“Hm,” she responded. She was in a good enough mood to eat another snack. “Twizzle me, Bucky.”

 

Bucky handed her a piece of the candy and she took a large bite. “Did you guys have Twizzlers way back when?”

 

Bucky met her smirk with narrowed eyes and a cocked brow. “Licorice has literally been around since the goddamn Egyptians or some shit. I’m only like 95,” he deadpanned.

 

OOP!

 

Darcy barked out a laugh and almost choked while Clint whistled lowly.

 

“Woah, what was that?” the archer asked, wide-eyed, and Darcy laughed harder, because sassy Bucky always took HER by surprise so of course Clint was taken aback.

 

“Please, your birth was only like, a decade off from when the wheel was invented—eep!”

 

Bucky threw a Twizzler at her.

 

Rude!

 

She tossed her glasses onto the table and threw it back. He tossed the bag and reached up, grabbed one of her feet, and tugged her off the couch.

 

“Bucky!” she screeched and tried to untangle herself from the blankets. “I swear to Thor—

 

“Please don’t,” Thor chimed in through his laughter.

 

“Shouldn’t we, um, stop them?” Darcy heard Jane ask and that only spurred her on.

 

She managed to get free from her blanket and snatched one of the fallen candies, hurling it at him but the asshole with his super reflexes only caught it and took a bite.

 

“Honestly?” she pouted.

 

He smirked in response.

 

“Damn super soldiers and your damn quickness,” she mumbled.

 

Darcy bent to pick up another fallen piece and when she stood back up, her eyes rolled back and her knees buckled. The room sprang into action and when she opened her eyes, she wasn’t surprise to see it was Bucky who’d caught her.

 

“Ha!” she shouted and whacked him dead on the forehead with the licorice.

 

“Christ on a cracker Darcy!” Clint gasped, and collapsed back on the couch.

 

Darcy smiled. “It’s called being a quick thinker, Barton,” she responded triumphantly. “Nat taught me to sometimes use my feminine wiles to assure my victory.”

 

Clint snorted. “What, fainting is ‘feminine’ now?”

 

“Historically speaking, women and fainting have been constantly linked. Hysteria, the vapors…” Jane fanned her face dramatically like a Victorian woman in distress.

 

“Exactly right, Jane.” Darcy angled her head back in Bucky’s direction and she froze at the blank look on his face. “Um.”

 

She saw the three in the room shift and the tension in the room suddenly skyrocketed.

 

Bucky gently lowered her to the floor and angled himself so he was leaning above her.

 

“Um,” Darcy said again.

 

He plucked the candy from her hand and pinned her wrists down.

 

“Um,” she squeaked.

 

“Barnes?” Clint asked, and Darcy’s heartbeat hit what honestly must have been critical levels.

 

She should have known better. She’d never…hit Bucky before, holy crap, had she? She got too comfortable. She always overdid things and it always came back to bite her in the ass and Bucky’s been doing so well and—

 

“I’m going to stick this up your nose,” Bucky muttered.

 

Wait, what?

 

When Darcy met his eyes, she saw something playful in them.

 

“You tricked me! And no the hell you’re not!” she screeched, and thanks to Nat again, who’d forced her to work on her flexibility, she brought her thigh back to press against her breasts and planted the ball her foot on Bucky’s chest.

 

“You tricked me first. You think that can stop me?” he snorted, motioning to her leg.

 

“It’s your dick next,” she giggled.

 

“Kinky.”

 

They both froze and turned to glare at Clint who’d sat back against the couch and spread his legs as suggestively as possible. Darcy looked back up at Bucky and laughed as his expression schooled itself into utter disgust. He let her go and stood.

 

“Truce?” she asked.

 

He rolled his eyes and helped her up.

 

“Thanks, Buckaroo.”

 

Bucky rolled his eyes again and she bit her lip to hold in her laughter. Expressive Bucky was such a privilege to witness, and it was always a good feeling when she was the one who drew it out of him. He took an elastic from his wrist but she held her hand out.

 

“Let me do it. To make up for tricking you.”

 

He shrugged and handed it to her and she walked up, going up on her tippy toes so she could be a bit more fluid as she put his hair up. When she was done, she pushed the stray strands behind his ears and absolutely did not meet his eyes as she turned back around.

 

“Sorry for the interruption folks.”

 

“No apologies for good fun, Lady Darcy,” laughed Thor. Jane opened her mouth to say something but Thor pulled her to lean against him. He gave Darcy a look that she couldn’t decipher before looking at the paused screen.

 

Okay?

 

“Cool beans. JARVIS, you can play again please.”

 

“Very good ma’am,” he replied, and dimmed the lights again to resume their marathon.

 

That’d actually been really _really_ fun.

 

She grabbed her blanket from the floor and watched Bucky leave the room. Clint got up after a moment and he met her eyes pointedly before following.

 

Good luck buddy.

 

~

 

Bucky knew the archer had followed him as he walked over to the kitchen sink. He pointedly ignored the other man as he grabbed one of Darcy’s many mugs and filled it with water. James stirred as he drank about half before he set the mug down and turned around with crossed arms, leaned against the counter, and met Barton’s eyes.

 

“Dial back the murder in your eyes to like, at least an eight, dude. I come in peace,” he said, arms raised in mock surrender.

 

Bucky said nothing.

 

“Okay. Yeah. Little awkward here, totally wingin’ it.”

 

He grabbed a kitchen chair and sat backwards, resting his chin on his forearms. He looked uncomfortable and it was clear to Bucky that the other man preferred higher ground.

 

“So. Mind control.”

 

Bucky was glad that he’d set the mug down. He might have crushed it. “What about it?” he growled out.

 

“Uh, same, bro.”

 

“Same _what_?” Bucky asked, and it was alarming, how angry he suddenly was.

 

JARVIS raised the volume on the TV.

 

“Same as in, me too. We’re both in the uh, mind-control club. Back in 2012. I don’t know where HYDRA’d had you holed up but it was when the aliens attacked New York.”

 

Bucky wracked his mind for the memory but he came up blank. If the archer hadn’t been a target, he probably wouldn’t have been told.

 

“Look man,” Barton said, interrupting his thoughts, “Darcy—”

 

“What about her.”

 

“Yikes, cool it. It’s clear that she cares. And it’s clear she doesn’t care about what anybody else has to say about it. Cue Natasha tearing her hair out and Hill shooting at things angrily and Sam being super serious and Steve moping all damn day.”

 

Bucky tried to keep up with Barton’s rambling but there was just too much to single out and focus on so he schooled his face into a blank expression and held the other’s gaze in a deadpan stare.

 

Barton sucked in a deep breath and let out a long and drawn out sigh. “What I’m trying to say is, you can, talk to me, man. You gotta talk to somebody and it might as well be someone who knows what it’s like is all.”

 

Bucky grabbed his mug and started his way back to the others when Barton spoke again.

 

“When the worst of it dies down, or it seems it has, and you back to yourself again, but only kind of, because you’re never really back after something like that, it’s the moments when it gets real quiet and calm where everything goes to hell. When you’re comfortable. When you go to sleep and dream of killing people you knew. Ate with. Joked with. People who had your back. The looks on their face right before they fade. That stunned betrayal. Knowing that you looked them dead in the eye emotionless while you did what they made you. Sucks, doesn’t it?”

 

Echoes of Howard’s wild laughter struck Bucky and he paused. He wanted to scream. Throw the mug maybe. Tear out all of his hair. Instead, he slowly turned around to meet Barton’s eyes again. Barton rose from the chair and walked up to Bucky, gait relaxed and non-combative.

 

“I _know_ what it’s like. And I know it’s awful. Darcy’s not the only one in your corner. You’re a cool guy. Sorry it took me so long to see it. So…you know. My door’s open if you wanna talk about it. Letting someone else in isn’t the worst thing that could happen. We know the worst things that can happen.”

 

He walked away and left Bucky to his thoughts. Bucky could see the way Darcy looked up at Barton as he reseated himself, and the way Barton nodded back, and the way she relaxed, seeming relieved.

 

Maybe.

 

~

 

 

It was about two in the morning when Darcy sat herself in front of her mirror. She grabbed her StarkPad and opened up her notes.

 

  * Ate donut, chips, popcorn, and candy. Felt fine. No guilt. HELL YEA!
  * Also, Bucky??????? V CUTE!! LIKES SPENDING TIME WITH ME!
  * Holy blushing schoolgirl, Batman!
  * Keep monitoring Bucky’s eating
  * Clint and Bucky talk = success???
  * Jane being super shady about Bucky, watch out.
  * Wtf was THAT, Thor?
  * Didn’t binge :)



 

She closed the app and tossed the tablet on her bed before she focused on the mirror. She took her glasses off and flipped her piercing back up so it was hidden again and stared hard at herself.

 

She brought both her hands up and slapped them hard against her cheeks.

 

“Hold. Yourself. Together,” she chanted.

 

If Bucky was doing it, she could do it too.

 

Eat better.

 

Stop hiding from food.

 

She slapped herself again, and again, and again, and again. Then she clenched her hands into fists and squeezed.

 

The call to assemble rang and she jumped up, startled. Holy crap. Darcy grabbed her glasses, threw on something more appropriate for going out, and dove out into the hallway.

 

“JARVIS!”

 

“They are assembling on the helipad.”

 

Fast! The door down the hall slammed open and Thor dove out, Jane behind him.

 

“What’s happening?” Darcy yelled over the alarm, and Jane shook her head wildly in confusion.

 

“I don’t know! He won’t tell me? Again!”

 

Thor chose the stairs instead of the elevator so the two women ran and pushed the button. It opened and they jumped in.

 

“What do you mean he won’t tell you?”

 

“I mean he won’t tell me. He usually tells me but this is like the third time that I’m not getting a word from him and I’m really stressed out.” Jane pressed her head in her hands and took a few deep breaths.

 

The alarm cut off, probably to keep them in their right state of mind, because it was well, alarming. When they got to the top floor, they stepped out but both stopped short at the sight of Bucky standing pressed against the wall and out of sight of the glass door. He met her eyes and put his finger to his lips. When she listened closely, she could hear them arguing.

 

“When did you change your mind, Clint?”

 

Maria.

 

“When I looked at him for like thirty seconds without being behind a trigger,” Clint answered sarcastically, and Jane and Darcy stared at each other, shocked.

 

It was rare to witness a genuine anger from Clint.

 

“Clint, if Natasha’s intel holds true, then we really need to go before they clear out,” came Steve’s, no, Captain America’s voice. “We can talk more on the Quinjet. Stark and Thor are already en route and I don’t want to leave them without back up for too long. Sam, you ready?”

 

“Locked and loaded, Cap!”

 

Darcy pondered what she’d heard.

 

Where were they ALL headed AGAIN that Tony AND Thor, two extremely heavy hitters, might not be enough?

 

She was suddenly very angry, very quickly. She stormed forward and the glass slid open and they all stared at her.

 

“What the _hell_ is going on?” she yelled, and Jane ran out next. Bucky stayed out of sight.

 

“Like Cap said, not the time.”

 

Darcy grabbed her phone on her pocket and scrolled through it. “Nothing on CNN, MSNBC, Fox. Nothing trending on Twitter. No terrified statuses on Facebook. So where the hell are all of you guys going, for like, the fifth time, that requires all of you except Bruce? And don’t pull rank on me. That’s bullshit. I’m your friend and I’m not snitching to anyone so again, what the _hell_ is going on?”

 

Steve looked behind her and his eyes got that sad look, so Bucky had finally revealed himself. She held Maria’s gaze before looking to Clint for help but he looked away. Bucky came to stand by her side.

 

“I’m sorry Darcy. We really need to go.” Cap turned and ran onto the Quinjet and Maria caught Darcy’s eye before walking back inside, probably to monitor from behind the scenes as usual. Clint sighed and turned to go but but Darcy lunged forward and grabbed his hand.

 

“Clint! Please! Why can’t any of us know? What if something happens? What the heck do I look like, finding out from the news if things don’t go well?”

 

Clint sighed again.“Aww, spitfire, we’ll be fine. Just, uh, when the shit hits the fan, don’t be too mad at me?”

 

“Clint!” called Sam, and Clint nodded once before jogging into the jet.

 

It took off quickly and Darcy stamped her foot in anger, wiping her eyes. Jane looked on her phone.

 

“I texted Erik and I’ve looked at my own readings and everything is normal. It’s not otherworldly. It’s not newsworthy. I just don’t understand what the big damn secret is,” Jane said, trailing off sadly.

 

“Think it has to do with me,” Bucky mumbled softly.

 

“JARVIS?” she called out.

 

“My sincerest apologies, Miss Lewis, but I am forbidden from saying.”

 

Forbidden her ass. She turned to Bucky. “I’m going to find out.”

 

She grit her teeth.

 

Damn them, she was going to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the idea of Clint and Bucky talking about what they've gone through.
> 
> Also, secrets. Hm.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry :(

Three days. Three days with no explanations, no, “hey, we’re still alive,” no sightings, nothing.

 

On the bright side, Jane was sort of starting to really see Bucky outside of her ‘terrifying not to be trusted deadly assassin’ narrative, mostly spurred on by her anger against the others.

 

“Bruce won’t say anything either,” Jane pouted.

 

Darcy looked up from her stack of papers. “Brucey is a pacifist. He’s not going to say anything. He’s not even going to acknowledge the argument for fear of…starting another argument. I can respect that. Poor guy deserves as little drama as possible.”

 

Jane’s pout deepened and it would almost be comical if the situation weren’t so goddamned frustrating. “At least he isn’t on the mission too.”

 

Darcy paused and set the paper down. “If they needed the Hulk I think I would have actually thrown myself on the plane.”

 

“Collateral.”

 

Jane jumped and looked over at Bucky who was curled up in an office chair to the side. Darcy almost laughed. Almost. Though there was progress, she was still tired of this type of behavior around him, especially when he hadn’t done whatever terrible thing they were apparently forever going to be waiting for. But to be fair to Jane, Bucky _was_ really quiet. And at least she hadn’t thrown something at him out of shock. Slow progress was progress in itself, she supposed.

 

“Deets, buddy,” Darcy asked.

 

“Hulk doesn’t always contain damage. Uncontained damage draws attention. It’d sabotage what they want to be a low-key mission.”

 

Darcy blinked. That was…upsetting. And it made sense. They were trying to keep this quiet enough that they were sacrificing potential life-saving back up to keep their super secrets. Should she be terrified, or angry? Assholes, honestly.

 

Jane laughed softly. “It’s been a while since I’ve been so angry about something I can’t focus on my data.”

 

“You’re worried about your boo. Makes sense,” Darcy replied. Her eyes drifted to Bucky who’d leaned his head back. His position was precarious, entire body nearly tipped over the arm of the chair but somehow he didn’t fall.

 

“And you’re worried about yours,” Jane whispered.

 

Darcy refused to look at Jane and instead watched Bucky purposely tip out of the chair into an arm stand before falling further back into a roll and landing on his feet. He stood, turned, and glanced at Jane with an indecipherable look that was hotter than it should have been before walking out.

 

“Okay?” Jane said after a moment.

 

“He probably heard you,” Darcy muttered. Should she go after him? Give him space? Um.

 

~

 

“JARVIS.”

 

“How may I help you, Sergeant?”

 

Bucky let his flesh fingers drag softly against the wall as he silently made his way up to his room. “What is a boo?”

 

“While it is used comically as what a ghost exclaims whilst scaring the living, it is also a term applied to a significant other.”

 

Bucky pondered that for a moment. “Thor and Jane are a couple.”

 

“Indeed, Sergeant.”

 

“Thor is Jane’s…boo?”

 

“So Miss Lewis says.”

 

“Hm.”

 

Did the way he and Darcy spend time together give Jane the idea that they were…a couple? It made him wonder.

 

“JARVIS, do you keep footage?”

 

“I do, Sergeant.”

 

“Do you have footage of me and Darcy?”

 

There was a bit of silence before JARVIS replied, “I do.”

 

Bucky nodded. “Am I allowed to watch it?”

 

There was another silence. “Yes, Sergeant. Would you like me to send it to you?”

 

Bucky nodded again but this time with a frown. “Is there footage of myself that I’m not allowed to watch?”

 

“That would be correct, Sergeant.”

 

Bucky stopped walking and tapped the wall roughly. The sound of his blunt fingernails hitting the grey plaster echoed oddly down the corridor.

 

“Okay,” he finally answered. “This your restriction or theirs?”

 

“If by theirs you mean the team, then yes, theirs. Though there is some content that I believe would be…detrimental to your health.”

 

Ah. The term he’d heard them whisper around him when they though he couldn’t hear and Darcy herself had used. ‘Trigger’ him. Buck didn’t like the phrase. But he understood what they meant.

 

“Think I’ll stick my fingers down my throat?”

 

“Evidence suggests.”

 

Bucky paused in his tapping.

 

What evidence?

 

He looked up at the ceiling for clarification.

 

“Assuming the bulk of your dreams are memories, and the content of those memories are what inspires your self-harm, then certain footage of you might also trigger your self-harming tendencies.”

 

James shifted, responding to Bucky’s discomfort.

 

“So it’s me killing people,” Bucky deadpanned.

 

“I’m afraid I can’t disclose anything specific.”

 

Bucky didn’t need JARVIS to ‘disclose specifics’ at this point. There wasn’t much HYDRA had used him for besides killing.

 

He needed to get out.

 

“Am I allowed to leave the tower by myself?”

 

“Unfortunately, no, Sergeant.” There was a tone of shame in JARVIS’s voice that only made Bucky angrier.

 

“Well ‘unfortunately’ for them, there’s no one here to stop me.”

 

“I would have to alert the others, including Dr. Banner.”

 

Bucky clenched his fists and stormed down the hall to the emergency stairwell.

 

“Go ahead. Will he wreck half of New York to keep me trapped here?”

 

He wasn’t allowed to carry weapons, be alone for too long, go outside, watch footage of himself, _himself_ , as if watching himself do it was actually worse than remembering it. He did it! It happened! Did they think he would be more horrified at watching blood gush through his fingers than actually feeling it? There was nothing they could do to take that back!

 

He barged into his shared apartment and grabbed some gear, a hoodie, his hat, and a pair of gloves. His ears rung and he went back out and down the stairwell at a pace even a little risky for him.

 

What was the point of their baby-coddling censorship? They could observe him all they wanted and restrict all they wanted and attempt to control him all they wanted but he couldn’t even take a walk around the block without someone up his goddamned ass—

 

“Mr. Barnes.”

 

Bucky stopped before the glass door entrance to the tower ad turned to face Bruce who’d just stepped out of the elevator. Right. He did tell JARVIS to alert him.

 

“The only reason you’ve made it this far is because JARVIS let you, which is interesting,” Bruce remarked.

 

“I thought it might be counter productive to take drastic security measures against the Sergeant as he hasn’t proved himself a threat at this moment,” JARVIS answered promptly, in his defense.

 

Bucky scoffed. “No, don’t bullshit me JARVIS. You don’t want to ‘trigger’ me.”

 

JARVIS remained silent. Banner as well, but there was a deep contemplative look to his gaze that crawled down Bucky’s skin like ants. Scrutiny from any kind of doctor was enough to make him extremely uncomfortable. That and they really seemed to underestimate his ability to leave if he truly wanted.

 

The elevator chimed and Darcy tumbled out, Jane at a much more sedate pace behind her.

 

“Bucky, take a walk with me,” she said.

 

“I don’t need a chaperone,” he growled, but Darcy was undeterred.

 

“Brucey, I got this.” She grabbed his hand and continued her walk in a pointed stride that forced Bucky to follow.

 

“Should we, uh, stop them?”

 

“How would you suggest we do that, Dr. Foster? It’ll be fine,” he heard Bruce ask as the glass doors slid shut behind them.

 

“Of course it’ll be fine,” Darcy, muttered.

 

They walked silently for a few blocks, weaving through the crowd at a much quicker pace than the last time they’d ventured out together.

 

“I’m going to introduce you to Starbucks.”

 

Bucky’s previous and sudden bought of anger had fizzled out just a quickly as it’d sprung up. He followed her numbly, not quite feeling and not quite there but unable to turn his senses off. He was still completely aware of his surroundings. Decades of torture engrained that into him. They stepped into a shop that smelled strongly of coffee and pastries and Darcy turned to him.

 

“Wanna find us a table?”

 

Bucky blinked and surveyed the area. There was a secluded table towards the back that had excellent vantage points. He walked and stiffly sat down, facing the exit. He tuned out the pointless chatter around him and focused on Darcy and the people closest to her.

 

“Two grande caramel fraps please. Extra caramel on one.”

 

He glanced a little away from her and noticed the way two men pointed in her direction and looked her up and down. Lust. She laughed at something someone at the register said. It was loud and free in a way he wondered he’d ever be…again. History books said he used to be that way. The men continued to stare. They lingered on her chest as she paid. He read their lips. She walked to collect their drinks and then headed to his direction. Their eyes turned to her ass.

 

Bucky shifted slightly in his chair in a way that drew their attention from her to him. Their expressions turned fearful. He took the drink she offered without averting his gaze.

 

“Bucky?” Darcy asked, and she followed his glare to the two men. “Uh, should we leave?”

 

“No,” he answered softly. “But they will.”

 

He leaned forward in his chair and the two shifted back, glanced at each other nervously, gathered their things and quickly walked out.

 

“Wow,” Darcy muttered.

 

She sat across from him and he watched her sip her drink. She motioned to his and he turned the cool beverage in his hands slowly before he did the same. His eyes fluttered shut. It was good.

 

“You like sweet things,” she observed.

 

He didn’t answer. Darcy shrugged and sipped at her drink for five uncharacteristic minutes of silence. Her expression was something he hadn’t seen directed at him before. It unnerved him. He was off balance. His behavior earlier…her demeanor now…

 

“So,” she started. “Have I done something to make me seem like a chaperone instead of a friend?”

 

Oh. Right.

 

Well.

 

Bucky averted his eyes.

 

“Because like, I’m trying to figure out how I got it so wrong for you to think that.”

 

Hurt. That’s what it was. There was hurt in her tone, and when he finally met her eyes, her expression as well. He’d hurt her.

 

She didn’t say anything else. Bucky’s mind whirled as he struggled to come up with a way to…reverse this? Make it right? How?

 

_Fix it,_ came James’s whisper, unnaturally clear in the torrent of his thoughts.

 

His set his drink down on the table before them and watched as it blurred and doubled and refocused and the process repeated.

 

“I—,” he started, but the pause that came afterword was lost to time. He felt her hand in his again and was a aware of his body moving, and when he came to again, he was seated on a toilet.

 

“I moved us to the bathroom. Can you take a few deep breaths for me?”

 

He complied and then leaned to his head was pressed against the tiled wall beside him.

 

“Bucky—” she started.

 

“They keep telling me I’m free now but I’m not allowed to do anything.”

 

Darcy took his hands in hers and rubbed gently at his wrists through the gloves.

 

“HYDRA was always up front in what I could and couldn’t do. But here I have so many restrictions but no proper guidelines and no punishments…just sad looks and mistrust and hands near weapons when I walk by and I don’t, it gives me a headache, I—”

 

“Breathe, Bucky, breathe,” Darcy whispered, and he did until was in control again.

 

“You’re my friend. I didn’t mean it. You’re my friend.”

 

His breathing sped up again. He’d hurt her and his type of hurting people tended to be a permanent thing, a not coming back thing, and if she left—”

 

Darcy straddled his lap and he automatically slid back against the toilet to give them room to balance.

 

“Breathe,” she said.

 

He nodded.

 

“In. And out. In. And out.”

 

They did that for a few moments and Bucky was hyper aware of everything. The spinning in his head. The tightness of his chest. The pounding of his heart. The feel of her settled atop him. She pulled his hat off and pressed her forehead against his.

 

“I could’ve gone about this better, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I know you’re my friend. I was just being dramatic.”

 

“No,” Bucky mumbled.

 

“No?”

 

“ _I’m_ sorry,” he stuttered, “I-you tell me all the time that…my feelings are valid. And s-so are yours. You’re not dramatic.”

 

He pulled his head back to catch her expression. She smiled at him.

 

“I suppose you’re right,” she said softly. “Look at you.”

 

She rested her forehead against his again. A warmth spread through him, tinged with nostalgia. He’d felt this way before…familiar but so far away. It was…nice.

 

Someone banged on the door. Neither of them moved to get up.

 

“Only when you’re ready,” Darcy said softly. One of her hands moved to caress the nape of his neck gently.

 

He sighed softly.

 

They banged the door again and Bucky closed his eyes. He reveled in the feeling for a moment.

 

“Okay,” he finally said.

 

He locked any residual negative feelings away.

 

It was okay. He was okay.

 

~

 

 

Darcy’s entire body was alight with fuzzy feelings. These moments, between her a Bucky, when it was quite, and the emotional vulnerability was at an all time high, and the comfort understanding they eventually came to…there were words to describe how it made her felt but she didn’t know them.

 

But it definitely was a good thing. She took Bucky’s hand in hers and the tremble she’d felt earlier as gone.

 

Yes. Definitely a good thing.

 

She opened the door and a guy glared down at her angrily before glancing behind her at Bucky.

 

“What the hell. Were you having sex in there or something?”

 

Darcy glared back. “I was calming down by combat vet friend. We needed a bit of time and a quiet space. Is that a problem or…?”

 

He immediately backpedaled. “My bad, my bad.”

 

She stuck her tongue out at him and gently tugged Bucky along. “You wanna go back to the tower?”

 

He bit his lip.

 

“Yea, me neither. Let’s just walk around then. There’s a park a couple blocks from here and we can people-watch.”

 

They held hands the entire walk there, and it was nice, and once they got to the park they settled on a bench and she leaned her head against his shoulder, which was also nice.

 

Bucky stiffened beside her, which immediately put her on high alert. She leaned back and glanced up at him. “What’s wrong?”

 

“We’re surrounded.”

 

Her stomach dropped. “What? Wait, what?”

 

She watched him look around with sharp eyes and the emergence of something much darker, and she was about to reach for her taser so she could be a little bit less of a burden for what she had a feeling was gonna be a messy fight when he suddenly snorted and leaned back against the bench.

 

“Of course,” he mumbled, and his face went completely blank.

 

Darcy fought to keep up. They were surrounded, and he just…accepted that? Surrounded by who!?

 

“Darcy.”

 

Oh.

 

She turned and saw Maria approaching. Right. Of course.

 

“You…you sent people to follow us?”

 

“Not exactly. After your stunt last time when none of us knew you’d both gone off by yourselves, we enacted a protocol. We sent people to _find_ you. Barnes subconsciously avoids cameras. You sat still long enough for us to get here.”

 

Darcy didn’t care about any of that.

 

“So what, now that you’ve found the highly volatile rampant Winter Soldier and saved the civilians from his life-threatening duck-watching, have you come to sedate him and stuff him in your shady ass van and escort him back to his cell?”

 

Maria frowned. “Darcy…I need you to try to understand—”

 

“Because that sure as shit is NOT gonna happen. We’re gonna take a cab back. Feel free to tail us just in case Bucky randomly decides to shoot the driver, to satisfy those blood urges you’re so certain he has.”

 

Darcy clenched Bucky’s hand tighter as they both stood up and she marched off without a word. She hailed a cab quickly and they both climbed inside.

 

“Avenger’s Tower,” she ground out, “please.”

 

If the driver had any questions, the looks on their faces must have deterred him because he nodded and drove off. She bounded her leg up and down in anger, because what the hell. ‘New protocol’? For what, a runaway Bucky?

 

“So that’s what Bruce meant. ‘It’ll be fine’ my ass. Are they tailing us?” she asked, and Bucky nodded, face still blank. “God, Bucky. I’m sorry.”

 

He shrugged. “Not your fault.”

 

“It’s still wrong. This is such a violation. Like, don’t you have rights?”

 

This time he looked at her as he answered, and her breath stuttered to a halt.

 

“Things like me don’t have rights.”

 

Something in her heart pinched. To hear him say that was an actual blow. Her eyes welled with tears and she turned to look out of the window until they arrived. She paid the driver absentmindedly, told him to keep the change, and walked solemnly through the entrance into the elevator.

 

“The common floor please, JARVIS,” asked Maria.

 

Darcy blinked. She didn’t realize Maria’d caught up. Because of course she did. They arrived at the common floor and Darcy’s eyes widened when she caught sight of the team. They were back. And conveniently gathered together where Maria’s brought her. Of course they were.

 

Jane was off to the side, away from Thor even, looking extremely uncomfortable. Bruce wasn’t there at all.

 

She glanced at Bucky, and his head was down, hat and hair covering his eyes, fists clenched. She carefully took his hand in hers and squeezed. When she looked back at the team, they were all staring at their conjoined hands.

 

Sam opened his mouth to start and Darcy held up her other hand to stop him.

 

“Don’t talk to me,” she took a breath, “until you start treating Bucky like a _goddamned_ person!” she shouted, voice hoarse with emotion.

 

She tugged at Bucky’s hand and they walked right back into the elevator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where the hell have I been, you ask?
> 
> Weeeeelllllll a little after I posted the last chapter in July I had a bit of a breakdown and was suicidal and scared the hell out of my family and it was really dramatic and strange and my motivation to write completely vanished and I honestly haven't written anything until around now...so, yea. 
> 
> And that's what you missed on GLEE. 
> 
> I've been thinking a lot about this story though and planning things out so my motivation is in a better place and hopefully that means updates won't be so far apart. 
> 
> Anyway, I still can't believe the interest in this story and I hope I continue to do it justice. You guys rock.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Graphic depictions of eating disorder, mild sexual content ;)

Darcy was in full on rant mode the entire way back to her room. Bucky was robbed of his autonomy for 70 plus years and they thought the best thing for him was to…continue to rob him of it? What kind of ass backwards logic was that? She knew they meant well but how could they not see how much this was messing with him? How much the lack of control must be reminiscent to his days captive? A little voice in her head said that maybe they didn’t see because they were working so hard to keep it hidden. The mess he…they were. A slightly louder voice was a little hysterical at the fact that she’d basically yelled at all her friends and gave them an ultimatum. Her. Powerless, human, Darcy. Lab assistant Darcy. Nothing Darcy. A booming voice in her head pointed out a long ignored ravenous hunger.

 

“Are you hungry?” she asked him as they slammed into her apartment.

 

If he said anything in return, she didn’t hear it, because she made a beeline to her pantry and grabbed a box of cookies, tearing the box open with practiced frantic hands. She stuffed two into her mouth, and then another, and another, and then she was at the fridge, because this _hunger_ came with thirst, and she grabbed the first thing she saw. OJ. Dope. She chugged it straight from the bottle. Chinese takeout from three days ago caught her eye next.

 

There was something familiar and comfortable in cold takeout, perhaps the nostalgia of it all, because her mom had always been a crappy cook and the fridge had always been stocked with it and the way it didn’t burn when she inhaled it was always nice, the way it still had flavor even though she wasn’t eating to taste, the way…the way…

 

~

 

Bucky slowly walked around the mess of wrappers on the floor and stood so he was facing her. Darcy’s eyes were low-lidded and sightless. She barely chewed the noodles, and she was quickly finished and added the empty carton to the collection at her feet.

 

“JARVIS, don’t let anybody in.”

 

There was a slight delay. “Yes, Sergeant.” The hesitation meant that he was already contemplating calling for help.

 

“Privacy mode,” Bucky added.

 

“…yes, Sergeant.”

 

Darcy was steadily making her way through a box of hard rice. Gently, he reached forward and removed her glasses. He set them on the counter beside them. Next, he closed the fridge. The empty rice carton hit the ground next and her hands wrapped around the metal of the closed door. When she moved to pull it back open, Bucky carefully grabbed her wrists and turned her around to face him again.

 

“Darcy,” he called softly.

 

She jerked like he’d hit her and gasped. When she yanked her hands away, he let her and moved a couple steps back. He knew what it was like to wake up when he hadn’t been asleep.

 

Expressive green eyes met his. He watched her go through the motions. Terror. Shock. Confusion. Shame. Tears spilled over onto her cheeks and figured it was okay to move closer again.

 

“Don’t,” he whispered, and he wiped at her tears with his flesh hands.

 

“Shit,” she said in response.

 

“Yeah,” he mumbled at she took in another heaving breath. He knew.

 

“No. Shit. I don’t. Shit.” She moved to wipe her own tears and stopped once her sticky fingers made contact with her skin. “No,” she mumbled again, and took a step back. Her food hit an empty carton and she looked down and slowly around her. “Jesus,” she hiccupped.

 

Bucky watched the color fade from her face and she scrambled to get around him and down the hallway into her bathroom. He frowned at the sound of her knees as they hit the tile roughly. She was soft. It would bruise. He quickly walked to meet her. She was always there for him. It was his time to comfort her now.

 

He turned on the bathroom light and she flinched from where she stared solemnly into the toilet bowl.

 

“I can’t throw up,” she whispered.

 

He took his hat and gloves off off and placed them beside her glasses on the bathroom counter before he knelt next to her and gently placed his hand on her back.

 

“I can’t throw up because then it really becomes a cycle. It becomes a really bad cycle and it doesn’t stop and it gets worse and worse because, I’ve relapsed before, I have, and once I vomit it gets so bad. Bucky it gets so bad and everyone is too smart here, they’ll figure it out and I’m not ready to tell them and I can’t,” she sobbed, “My mom will be so heartbroken and disappointed, I know it and,” she took a few heaving breaths.

 

Bucky rubbed small circles against her back.

 

“Once I release I’ll realize how much I was holding in and there’s the gross level of comfort and satisfaction and I’ll crave it so much more and I won’t be able to stop.”

 

She was sobbing in earnest now. “And it’s even worse that I ate all of that and I’m not even full, I could eat so much more and I hate myself and I hate this and I’m sorry, I’m sorry you’re seeing me like thi—”

 

“No,” Bucky finally interrupted.

 

James swirled uncomfortably in the darkness of his mind. Her distress…they did not like it.

 

“That’s not,” he paused, trying to get his words together. “The first time we really spoke to each other, you were holding my hair up while I puked. You’ve seen me…you know what my headspace is like and…that moment in the pool. When we both lost it together. I get it.” He cupped her cheek with his metal hand and tilted her head so they’d lock eyes. “Ain’t nothin’ to apologize for, doll. We’re friends, right?”

 

Her eyes were big and bright and he couldn’t stop staring.

 

“Right…we’re friends. We’re friends.” She placed her hand atop his. The phantom warmth of her skin against his was soothing.

 

He used his other hand to gently close the toilet seat and lid. Then he helped her up.

 

“What do you want to do?” he asked.

 

“I,” she paused, and Bucky caught a stray tear with his thumb, wiping it away. “I think I should just sleep this off. I feel gross and I look gross and—”

 

“You don’t look gross,” Bucky cut in.

 

She never looked gross. Bucky knew gross. He knew what it was to be filled to the brim with revulsion. To witness it and to be the cause. She was nothing like that.

 

“I,” she started, before sighing. “Okay.” She leaned further into his touch. “Can I…can I have a hug?” she asked softly.

 

He pulled her in without hesitation. She sniffled against his chest and for a moment he was a child wailing into his mother’s arms, terrified that Steve would die any moment. She’d wrapped her arms around him and her warmth draped him. Her hands and fingers, worn with callouses, felt like silk as they threaded gently through his hair.

 

The memory of her comforting him was striking. His flesh hand found it’s way to Darcy’s hair and he mimicked his mother’s actions. He hoped something as corrupted as him could somehow give a fraction of what his mother did.

 

 _Our heart,_ James whispered.

 

It was pounding.

 

“I’d go to the pool but I don’t want to run into anybody looking like this and you’re not supposed to eat right before you go into a pool anyway, right? So, sleep.”

 

He didn’t know the answer to that one. He looked down at the darkness around her eyes…and in them.

 

“Sleep is good,” he replied.

 

“Can you stay with me, please?”

 

“Don’t have to ask me that,” he mumbled. “’Course I’ll stay.”

 

She nodded and her eyes welled with tears again. “I’m just gonna…clean myself up.”

 

Bucky slowly stepped away from her and gave her some space. “I’ll get rid of everything outside.”

 

He walked out and paused a little down the hallway, listening for movement. The sink turned on. Bucky took that as his cue to complete his task. Evidence disposal. A specialty of his when he’d been commanded…as was everything else they’d told him to do.

 

He gathered all the scraps into a black garbage bag and took it to the chute. He scooped up any remaining crumbs and wiped the floor of any stray spillage. He fixed any knocked over snack boxes and cans in the pantry and bottles in the fridge that’d been displaced in the…frenzy. When that was done, he stood stationary for exactly three minutes. His breathes were deep and even.

 

“JARVIS,” he called, after his cool-down.

 

“Sergeant,” came a very subdued response.

 

Bucky didn’t know what to say next, so he remained silent. Sounds of life drifted down the hall.

 

“We must find a way to help stop this harmful behavior,” JARVIS finally said.

 

“I know I’m not enough to help her,” Bucky whispered.

 

“With all due respect Sergeant, I would think that is obvious.”

 

Bucky looked up at the ceiling. Movements from Darcy’s room stalled.

 

“Shared experience does not mean expertise. It does not mean you are equipped to be as much of a help as you wish to. The both of you are dealing with layers upon layers of years old trauma and coping in extremely negative ways.”

 

Darcy’s feet padded softly against the tile as she joined Bucky’s side. She was in what she called her ‘ass shorts’ and a large t-shirt. Her hair was up and her face was pink and damp. Her nose ring was out. Bucky touched his in an automatic reflex.

 

“Your over willingness to shoulder yours and each other’s burdens is also self-harm. You are hurting yourselves. I must insist that you reach out for help.”

 

“No!” they both shouted. Bucky felt like a vice clamped down on his chest.

 

“I’m handling it. It’s messy but I’m handling it. I didn’t purge. And Bucky’s doing better with his eating. He’s not like me,” she whispered.

 

Bucky steeled his face and leveled a discrete look at the camera that would instill terror if aimed at a being with a physical body.

 

“Then promise me this, Sergeant, Miss Lewis. If either of you chooses to get help, you will immediately abide by that decision. And understand this. If my observations reveal what I believe to be life-threatening circumstances, I _will_ intervene on your behalf. My primary job is to protect, and as such, I am more than willing to betray your trust if it means you will be safe.”

 

Bucky fought the urge to kneel at the authority in his voice. He nodded numbly and glanced over to see Darcy do the same.

 

“I’ll leave you some privacy.”

 

It felt as if he’d physically left.

 

“Bed,” Darcy blurted out, and made a beeline back to her room. She slid into the unmade covers and looked over at him expectedly.

 

Right. Bucky gently toed off his shoes and pulled off his hoodie. After a moment of hesitation, he peeled his jeans off as well and set everything together beside her desk.

 

“Nice Calvin’s,” she joked, voice heavy with exhaustion.

 

He blushed and slid into bed next to her. Her immediately sought out his metal one and she laced her fingers through his. He gently responded.

 

“You’ll tell me, right?” she asked.

 

He angled his body so that he was facing her.

 

“What JARVIS was saying. If…if I’m hurting you. Or you’re getting worse. You’ll tell me? If you need more help, if it’s getting that bad…you’ll tell me?”

 

“Yes.” He took in the readings his arm fed him, slightly lowered body temperature, elevated heartbeat, mild signs of distress. “I’ll tell you,” he lied.

 

She sighed in relief and he watched her quickly drift off to sleep. He glanced at the very hidden camera in the corner where he knew JARVIS was watching, before he too, succumbed to exhaustion.

 

~

 

Darcy shifted from blissfully asleep to dreadfully awake and waited for the panic and hysteria to overtake her. It didn’t. There was some pretty heavy shame though. She’d have a good cry about that later, maybe invite Jane over and watch something super sad where a dog dies so she could blame her tears on heartbreak and not debilitating mental illness.

 

She was warm. Very warm. She opened her eyes. Bucky’s face was snuggled into her breasts. They were, quite literally and in the most cliché way possible, tangled together. Her arms cradled his head in a bit of a vice grip and she relaxed herself a bit. It must have been that instinctive deep rooted survival of his that he hadn’t suffocated to death, gottdamn. If he could survive HYDRA, he could survive the girls. Still a risky move on his part though.

 

She shifted a bit to make herself more comfortable and paused. Wait. What. She moved her leg again to make sure, and yup, Bucky had a rager and it was pressed, quite delightfully, against her thigh. The bed went from hot to boiling.

 

Okay, no biggie, just a WWII war hero’s super soldier dick! Ha ha!

 

She licked her suddenly dry lips. Nelly’s _Hot In Herre_ sprang to her mind. Nope! Time to extract herself. Perhaps go for a cold shower. Not lay there and fawn over his jimmy. Get it together, Darcy. She slowly moved to try and make some room between them. He responded to her movements. Literally. It twitched against her and he sighed softly, pulling her closer.

 

She thought _her_ grip was intense. There was no getting away from this. Devastating, really. He stretched his body a bit, head moving from her chest to her neck and his breath ghosted across her skin. Her hair stood on end. His hips thrust against her gently.

 

Oh boy!

 

Definitely a wet dream. Completely normal. Nothing to get hyped up about. Dial that lust down to a 6, Darcy. She thought about that time she’d gotten bad food poisoning and crapped herself in second grade. She was happy about getting to go home but the terrible symptoms and deadly embarrassment had put a damper on things. What else could she think about besides the mild dry humping going on? Oh! The shared dorm bathroom during her freshman year of undergrad. If anything was a turn off, that was definitely it.

 

Bucky buried his face even more into the crook of her neck and thrust against her thigh again. She felt his lips part from where they touched her skin. “Darcy,” he moaned softly.

 

Her mind went blank. Then just as quickly as she’d lost the capability to think of anything at all, the damn burst and she went into overdrive. Her mind repeated that sound over and over. His dream was about her. His _wet_ dream was about _her_. It made sense, because they were super close together in a bed and wrapped around each other so in a way it was natural but still, he was dreaming about her and thrusting against her and moaning her name and wow, could you blame a girl for freaking the heck out?

 

Holy What The Hell Do I Do, Bucky Barnes’s Dick Is Hard And Rubbing Against Me In My Bed And I’m Having Heavy Thoughts Of Going Down On A National Icon, Batman!

 

“Thor, strike me down, “ Darcy whispered. She screamed internally. Then closed her eyes, and took a very deep breath.

 

And, cut! Enough of that. No more lusting. Time to wake him up now.

 

“Bucky,” she called out softly. The last thing she wanted to do was scare him out of his sleep. She still had it together enough to know that was a very bad idea.

 

Immediately, his body stilled. Then his grip on her relaxed a bit and he shifted back so he could look at her. Those big blue-grey eyes of his were very dark and intense.

 

“Hey,” she gasped out, breathless.

 

He blinked sluggishly in response.

 

“Sorry to wake you up, but, uh…” she trailed off.

 

His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes went distant in that way it did when he was focusing on everything around him to find out what was going on. It made it more amazing to watch when he finally figured it out. His eyes went comically wide and his face flushed in an expression she’d never seen on him before. She didn’t have time to react. One moment he was tangled up around her and the next, his back slammed against the wall in the far corner of her room.

 

“Woah,” she gasped and sat up.

 

“Sorry ma’am,” he responded.

 

She absolutely kept her eyes strictly above the waist. “Wait, Bucky, it’s okay. I’m not upset. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me. It’s normal.” She put her hands up in an attempt to get him not to flee.

 

I mean, it’d never been hot like it was just now and she’d never been so heavily invested but…that wasn’t important.

 

“Not supposed to…rub on a girl like that, without her consent. Mom raised…me better than that,” he struggled to get out. He was probably hitting his word limit. Hell of a wake up.

 

“Oh, no, you don’t have to worry about that. I was completely cool with it. No problems. Totes fine. Momma Barnes has nothing to worry about.”

 

Bucky blinked, head tilting slightly as leveled her with another intense expression.

 

“Completely cool with it,” he repeated, voice still raspy with sleep. He slowly moved from his corner and back to the bed, metal arm reaching out. She automatically met his grasp. Whatever his arm told him had his eyes dilating.

 

Because of course. She’d literally just said she hadn’t minded him being well on his way to getting himself off against her. And, you know, his all knowing arm reading her body like a diary and giving him data that probably showed him just how much she hadn’t minded, indeed. Go Darcy.

 

“Huh,” he said simply.

 

Jimmy Neutron voice: Gotta blast!

 

“So,” she said loudly. “Moving on. Yesterday sucked like, as a whole. Your bathroom breakdown. Crappy friends. My kitchen and bathroom breakdown. So, um, I’m gonna take a cold shower—I mean—a regular shower, because there’s nothing to cool down from, like, at all, amirite?”

 

He blinked.

 

“Right. I’m gonna call Jane over and have some girl time and just like, try not to focus on too much of the bad stuff.”

 

She needed a little space from Bucky right now. Mostly to figure out what the hell was going on with her head. And…neither regions.

 

He nodded.

 

She took his hand in hers. “You alright? I promise I’m not upset.”

 

He ducked his head but gripped her hands softly.

 

“Out of words?” she asked quietly.

 

He nodded again.

 

“Okay. Do something nice for yourself. Yesterday was so bad. Watch something sweet and cute on Netflix. Go for a run. Read the next Harry Potter book. Treat yourself.”

 

He looked up at her again and his gaze was soft. Her face warmed. She watched him throw his clothes back on. When he was done, he lingered by her door.

 

“See you. I’ll text you.”

 

He nodded, watched her for a few more seconds, and finally headed out. She waited a few minutes to be sure she was alone. Then she flopped back down, rolled over, and squealed into her pillow.

 

Then she texted Jane.

 

~

 

Bucky leaned against her apartment door.

 

Holy shit.

 

He numbly made his way to the elevator, mind whirling over…everything.

 

“Your floor, Sergeant?” JARVIS asked.

 

He nodded and rested his head against the wall behind him. He would follow Darcy’s suggestions instead of staring blankly at his wall or cleaning his weapons. Maybe a run would be good. To…cool off. Because. He swallowed, throat parched.

 

The elevator slowed and opened. Barton was standing in front. His body was relaxed in a way that was completely controlled, from the slouch to the hands casually in his pockets. He stepped inside. Bucky was immediately on edge.

 

The doors closed.

 

“Hold us here for a moment, JARVIS, will ya?” Clint asked.

 

“Certainly, Mr. Barton.”

 

The elevator stalled.

 

“Thanks, dude.”

 

He turned and met Bucky’s gaze evenly. “So,” he started, “What Darcy said earlier, about us treating you like a goddamned person…”

 

Bucky stared.

 

“This is me, trying to be better at that. Trying to do right by you. Hopefully you don’t, uh…freak out.”

 

Bucky continued to stare.

 

“We’re destroying HYDRA bases. Data retrieval, liberating any prisoners, interrogating and arresting any of the workers who survive the initial assault.... We don’t tell you where we’re going state or country-wise because we know that you’ll catch on. We know you know where a lot of the bases are. And we know that you were basically doing what we we’re doing before Steve and Sam brought you in. That’s why this has all be so covert. Why Darcy can’t find any info when she looks up whatever disaster we must be preventing or whatever. It’s all hush hush.”

 

Clint looked away from Bucky with a deep sigh. “When Loki screwed with my head, put me in a position that helped kill my best friend, I wanted revenge, so badly. But there was nothing I could do. I’m stuck on earth. He’s in the ass end of space. But if I had the opportunity to destroy my tormenter and that option was taken away from me, I think I’d go crazy. I’m not…good like some of the others. If I ever see Loki again, I want to stick an arrow in his skull. I…” he trailed off again and ripped his hands out of his pockets, running them through his hair in frustration.

 

“What I’m basically trying to say is, I feel bad that we’ve basically snatched you up and are doing what you were doing without telling you. Taking your right to revenge away from you and all that. Because I’d lose it if somebody did the same to me. If anybody has the right to come at HYDRA, it’s you, regardless of how dangerous it is. So. Yeah. Nat’s gonna be pissed and Maria’s gonna be even more pissed and the rest of them except for maybe Tony, because he likes drama and he’s probably watching us right now.”

 

Clint took another deep breath. “Steve means well and I sort’ve get it and I still don’t know if I’m making the right decision here or it he really is right to keep this all away from you. But he worries about you a lot like my people worried about me. I’m looking at it from like, yours and my perspective. The mind warped. Just, don’t hate him. And whenever this showdown between all of us inevitably happens, get the answers and full story because even I don’t know what’s fully going on in his head. He talks to Nat and Sam. They’ll know. I don’t have the right to ask you this but, he really worries about you. Still might not make it right, but consider that before you punch him in the face or whatever. Yikes. I am so bad at this.”

 

He turned to look at Bucky again.

 

“I just…after hanging out with you before, and our quick chat in the kitchen, which, you know, offer’s still open if you wanna talk…and what Darcy said…I thought you deserved to know. You deserve access to your files and access to our missions and…whatever else the team thinks they need to hide you from. And for what it’s worth, I’m really freakin’ sorry. For people like us, our right to revenge is part of our autonomy and I helped take that from you. I’m really, _really_ freakin’ sorry.”

 

He put his hands in his pockets again.

 

“Doors, JARVIS.”

 

They opened silently and Clint quickly walked back out as quickly as he’d come, head down, shoulders hunched. The doors closed without a sound. The elevator remained stalled.

 

“Would you like to continue to your floor, Sergeant?”

 

“No,” Bucky answered. His voice sounded distant. “Take me to the pool instead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On today's episode of How Much Can I Pack Into One Chapter To Make Up For The Fact That It's Been Literally 5 Months Since My Last Update...
> 
> I'm so sorry for the long ass delay. My headspace has been better lately but I just didn't have the passion to write, so little by little, I forced myself to write a few hundred words here and there until I became passionate for the story again. I hope this chapter makes up for my absence.
> 
> Happy Late New Year! Also, all your messages were super sweet and I appreciate you all so much. Your concern for me was really heartfelt and it means so much that you guys care. I'm sorry I didn't answer most of them. Please don't think I'm not grateful. For some reason I don't know how to respond to so much kindness. Such a strange flaw. 
> 
> I love you.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Drive with Ryan Gosling. 
> 
> WARNING: mentions of eating disorder, mild panic attack, descriptions of heavy violence

Murky contents swirled in a familiar downward spiral before vanishing and revealing clean and clear porcelain.

 

Evidence of purge disposed of.

 

Bucky wiped his mouth with the back of his flesh hand before he moved to the sink. He stared blankly into the mirror with reddened eyes.

 

The knowledge given to him by Barton—no—Clint weighed heavily on his mind. There were a multitude of options he could take, but none seemed like they would end without him punching Stevie in the face.

 

He didn’t know how to broach the topic with him without it immediately devolving into a confrontation.

 

He was angry.

 

When Steve had “found” him in a run down hotel in Romania, he’d already wiped out twelve bases and was well on his way to planning the destruction of the next. It was curiosity that led him to stop “running away”. Yes, the thought of Steve had unnerved him. Learning that he’d been a person before a monster had left him staggering. What was this person called Steve so desperate to show him that he’d follow him to the ends of the earth for?

 

Curiosity led him here.

 

And for a while it was okay. He knew nothing so he put up with everything, as always.

 

Steve looked after him.

 

That was okay too.

 

Then the rest of the team looked at him. Watched. Observed. Hands always ready, twitching, itching for a weapon around him. Eerie eyes with heavy glances between the group behind his back as if he wouldn’t notice. As if situational awareness hadn’t been grafted to his bones for seventy goddamned years. Paranoia bred paranoia. He was sinking.

 

Restrictions on everything. Frowns when he didn’t comply.

 

The only thing that seemed to have changed was that they didn’t punish him like his previous handlers had.

 

But that was okay because Bucky was fine with punishing himself.

 

He knew he wasn’t what Stevie wanted. Couldn’t be. It was impossible to be that person again, hell, he was still trying to figure out how to be a person period but he didn’t know how to do that with the painful returning memories and all this watching and holding him back and deliberately keeping him unaware and…

 

He wanted to be better and he was trying but it wasn’t working and…

 

Failure was not tolerated.

 

So for two weeks, nearly everything he ate was forced back up. It should have been more difficult. It remained easy like nearly all pain he endured. What was pain to a thing like him? Nothing.

 

His stomach cramped.

 

He ignored it and washed his face and hands. Brushed his teeth. Further rid himself of an remaining mess. Darcy was waiting for him in the living room. The living room he shared with Steve and Sam because in her words, “she’d be damned if they forced him out of a space that was rightfully his with all their annoying ass hyper-surveillance and super-secrety bullshit”. She was there and waiting and surrounded by snacks and blankets and pillows and non-judgmental eyes and a level of understanding he was so grateful for. Bucky looked up into one of the hidden cameras.

 

“I’m alright, JARVIS,” he mumbled.

 

There was no answer. They both knew that was a lie.

 

Bucky rejoined Darcy and settled down into the blankets. He leaned his back against the couch.

 

“You okay?” she asked.

 

Bucky turned his eyes to the vents above them and met Clint’s eyes. She followed his gaze.

 

“Scram, dork. This is Bucky and Me time. Bed Buddy exclusive activities goin’ on. We’re good here.”

 

A few moments passed in silence. “He’s gone,” Bucky mumbled.

 

“Hm,” she said softly before un-pausing the movie. “He normally doesn’t survey. He just walks right in here. That’s a little weird. But whatever. You okay?” she asked again.

 

Bucky couldn’t figure out how to reply to that just now. The feel of vomit was still fresh in the back of his throat, so he settled for a nod and grabbed a cookie. He watched her frown in the corner of his eyes.

 

“I know what ‘just threw up’ looks like, Bucky. You sure you okay? You’ve been out of it for a while now.”

 

He shrugged.

 

Darcy sighed and shifted so she was leaned up next to him. She reached for his metal hand from where it lay concealed under the covers. Their fingers automatically laced together.

 

“You’ll find no judge in me. Never. Remember that, okay?”

 

He nodded. He knew that, but still…

 

They both watched the movie for a while in silence. Bucky let outside the thoughts drift away for a while. James cupped them in the palms of his hands and cradled them to his chest. He then curled himself into a fetal position and made everything seem smaller in the vast darkness of their shared mind.

 

“I love this movie,” Darcy mumbled softly, pulling him from that image. She leaned onto the metal shoulder. “Ryan Gosling could raw me.”

 

He blinked at the screen. He supposed.

 

“This part is my favorite.”

 

On the screen, they were in an elevator. A man, a woman, and their enemy. The man pushed the woman behind him, the lights dimmed, and…they kissed. It was slow and sweet and Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off of them. Even when the man came back to himself, broke away from the kiss, and brutally killed the enemy. Beat him to death. Stepped on his head over and over and over. There was blood everywhere. The woman stared blankly in shock. And the man…the man was pale and trembling and sweating and everything dark about him was laid out bare. It was horrifying. The look on her face…

 

The woman on screen morphed into Darcy and for it moment, it was HER was seeing HIM like that, blood and sweat and barely controlled rage and all of his horrors and—

 

“Bucky?”

 

Bucky shoved himself away from her and pointed at the screen. “That’s me,” he rasped out.

 

Darcy stared back and forth with confusion. “What?”

 

“You ain’t seen me like that. You see the vomiting and crap but that, that shit right there? Turning a person’s head to mush like it’s nothin’ and lookin’ feral and covered in blood? That’s me.”

 

He walked out of the apartment, down the hall, and into the open elevator.

 

“Where to, Sergeant?” JARVIS asked worriedly.

 

Darcy dove into the elevator and crowded up into his space. “I told you that I’m no judge.”

 

~

 

She wasn’t going to let him run away from her like this. In hindsight she probably could have picked a better much less violent movie for them to watch, but this was deeper than that. Darcy knew he wasn’t okay. She should have pressed harder earlier when she’d asked.

 

The doors shut and Bucky laughed. “One day I’m gonna do something to make you look at me like she did and then you’ll understand.”

 

This time it was Darcy who laughed. He hated himself so much and she _needed_ him to understand.

 

“What, kill someone in front of me? Like Thor? One of my best friends? Like Clint? Like Tasha? Like nearly everyone else in the tower? Yea, chances are I’m gonna see you kill someone someday and yeah, chances are I’ll be freaked out because I’m a little bitch when it comes to blood and I hate seeing people die but I know that if it comes to that, it won’t be because you’re some evil repressed monster who lives for bloodshed or whatever the hell you think you are no thanks to HYDRA. It’ll probably be you saving someone’s life and damn it Bucky, for the millionth time! I. Won’t. Judge. You.”

 

He stared at her.

 

“We can yell about this til the end of time, dude. I’m not changing my mind.”

 

She watched as slowly, _slowly_ , he calmed down. “C’mere,” she whispered, and pulled him into her arms. “It’s okay. I mean, as a whole, it’s not okay, but right now, with you, and me, it’s okay. I’m not gonna wake up one day and run. I promise.”

 

His metal hand cupped her cheek and she met his eyes and, oh. Suddenly his face was very, very close. “I want,” he started, and his eyes flickered to her lips.

 

He other hand rubbed at her lower back and she drew herself closer. “Yes,” she asked, breathless.

 

“They’re raiding HYDRA bases,” he suddenly blurted out. His face went through a quick array of emotions and Darcy had a feeling that’s definitely NOT what he’d been meaning to say, but the words were out there and her mind was already processing them and…what?

 

“HYDRA bases?” she repeated.

 

He didn’t move away from her. They were still pressed up against each other.

 

“That’s where they’re going in secret. Because that’s what I was doing before Steve brought me back. And they don’t want me doing it anymore. Clint told me.”

 

She leaned back and looked over at the far wall of the elevator to further process that. So that’s why he’d been up in the vents. He’d done them a huge solid and was waiting for the fallout, and a man like Clint liked to be prepared.

 

But.

 

“Wait,” she started, “You mean to tell me that they yoinked you from the ass end of nowhere, locked you up, and then went on to do the very thing you’d been doing just fine without them? Without telling you? As if this isn’t your right?”

 

He bit his lip. She was hot from an entirely different reason now. She needed space.

 

“Let go of me.”

 

He immediately released her. She took a few deep breaths. Revenge was a very slippery slope and all but if they were going to go down that rabbit hole anyway than who the hell were they to rob Bucky of that right!?

 

“That’s why they never told us where! Because you know where a bunch of the bases are and you’d have figured it out!”

 

He nodded.

 

“I…” No. Not about her. “How does that make you feel,” Darcy asked instead.

 

She watched him shrink in on himself.

 

Oh hell no.

 

“So I kinda wanna go hit some people, starting with Steve, but I’ll probably break my wrist on his All-American clean cut jaw of sanctimony. Different approach. JARVIS, is the team still having dinner?”

 

“Indeed, Ma’am.”

 

“It’s a wonder they can enjoy a meal that far up their own assholes. To the common floor please.”

 

The elevator moved in confirmation.

 

“I feel like I’m suffocating,” Bucky whispered.

 

Her heart clenched, but before she could say anything, they arrived. The team was around the massive kitchen island in the usual casual dinner setting.

 

Jane took one look at her and frowned but Darcy shook her head minutely.

 

“Snacks are cool but a freshly cooked meal is cooler,” Darcy said with false cheer.

 

She and Bucky took a seat next to each other. Darcy looked over at Clint and he blanched. He knew that she knew. She grabbed a dinner roll and picked a small piece off and chewed slowly. The anger was flowing through her body in waves. Bucky was very still beside her. Still enough that the team noticed. The chatter was stilted.

 

“Bucky feels like he’s suffocating,” Darcy said suddenly. They all froze. “Me too. It’s stuffy in here. So many secrets.”

 

Clint started stuffing his mouth with food and Darcy would have laughed if she weren’t pissed enough to lay waste to the tower. She turned to Bucky who immediately gave her attention.

 

“Let’s go dancing. Have a night on the town. Have drinks. Get loose.” She shimmied for effect.

 

Some life came back to his eyes. “Okay,” he replied.

 

Before anyone could interject, she looked over at Jane. “You should come with, Janey. We haven’t gone dancing in a while. Bucky sure as hell hasn’t in like what,” she looked over at him, seventy-plus years?” He nodded. “It’ll be fun.”

 

Jane looked nervously between Darcy and the rest of the table resembling a very clichéd deer in headlights. To be fair to her though, Jane hadn’t seen much of her since the morning after Darcy’s Really Bad Moment and then Really Good Moment with Bucky in bed and they’d gotten wasted off cheap tequila while Darcy screamed about how big Bucky’s dick was.

 

Anyway.

 

“Darcy,” Steve started, but she plowed on, turning back to Bucky, “Only if you want to though. I haven’t made it my mission to make you as miserable as possible, you know.”

 

Bucky looked at her, and only her. “I want to.”

 

“Then it’s a deal. Let’s go tonight. Thirsty Thursdays are always fun—”

 

“No, Darcy.”

 

She turned sudden cold green eyes to Steve and stared him down. “Let me guess. You want to join us?”

 

He looked taken aback.

 

“Because if so, that’s a solid no. None of you are invited, except for Janey. It’s going to be _our_ thing. You have your thing and we’ll have ours.”

 

Natasha’s eyes narrowed. “This is about the missions,” she stated rather than asked.

 

“Yup,” she replied, emphasis on the P.

 

“Darcy,” Sam sighed.

 

“Friend Darcy, there is much more to this than you know,” added Thor.

 

“Is there ever.” Darcy snorted.

 

“Everything alright here?”

 

They all looked to see Pepper, looking exhausted, barefoot with heels in hand.

 

“Light of my life,” Tony exclaimed happily. “You made it just in time for quality primetime entertainment. He gestured for her to join on his lap and she obliged. Tony buried himself in her hair and any other day it’d be cute but this was the time for fighting.

 

“Hilarious, Tony! But yes, Pepper! Come join us. I was just telling the rest of the team here that they weren’t invited to go clubbing with me and Bucky because Bucky wasn’t invited to go with them while they were off gallivanting about, destroying HYDRA bases in super secret even though Bucky was doing that just fine before they nabbed him, because they get off on controlling every little thing Bucky does, including his right to revenge for seventy years of brainwash and torture as the longest living American prisoner of war! Wanna join us?”

 

If a tree falls in an empty in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Darcy figured if there were any moment to test that theory, now would be the time, because the tower was quiet enough to hear a mouse fart twelve floors down.

 

“This chicken is so good,” Clint remarked.

 

“How did you find that out?” Natasha asked, and Darcy couldn’t lie, that interrogative stare a little intimidating, but her anger was stronger.

 

“The ‘Sorry Your Friends Are Dicks Goddess’ took pity and came to me in a dream,” Darcy deadpanned.

 

“This is amazing,” Tony whispered.

 

Pepper turned to him. “Is this why you wouldn’t tell me what was happening?”

 

“I plead the fifth.”

 

“I’ll take you up on that offer, Darcy. What place did you have in mind?” Pepper asked, dropping her heels and whipping out her phone.

 

“Nothing too exclusive, no reservations, no extra high end stuff. Dirty grinding, top 40’s DJ, maybe some throwbacks mixed in. Moderately priced drinks though, because I’m really pissed and I drink a lot when I’m angry and if the drinks re on the pricier side it works as a great deterrent. Plus, Bucky can’t get drunk and that wouldn’t be fair to him. Also, nothing too crazy. Bucky’s not too good with crowds right now. And boy is he being crowded.”

 

“I have three places I think would fit to your taste. I’ve been to one of them and had a nice time. They make a mean Long Island.”

 

Pepper looked up at Bucky and a second later he pulled out his phone.

 

“Now wait just a damn minute—”

 

Darcy stood up and slammed her hands down, her stool clattering over loudly behind her. “No, _YOU_ wait just a damn minute” she yelled, “What’s your plan here? Who is Bucky? Effing Rapunzel? Locked in his pretty tower, stuck yearning for the outside world while his hair grows ever longer? If so, you’re doing a hell of a job if I do say so myself. Let’s give a round of applause to Mother Gothel, everybody!”

 

She clapped loudly.

 

Steve glared at her. “I get you’re angry, and I won’t fault you for it—”

 

“Not that I care if you do or don’t—”

 

“Let me finish. You had your turn to talk.”

 

She laughed. “Okay Cap, take command as usual.”

 

“I will, thanks. HYDRA wants nothing more than to get their hands on Bucky and whatever measures I can take to prevent that, I will. So I can put up with your attitude. That’s fine with me.”

 

“Screw my attitude. Screw my anger. Whatever. This isn’t really about me. What about Bucky? What about how he feels? What he thinks? Does he get a say, or was seventy years of a nozzle not enough?”

 

She gave herself a mental high-five.

 

“I’m not sure what Bucky has to say,” Steve said, meanly, “you’re doin’ all the talkin’ for him.”

 

The Brooklyn accent was out, and so were the claws.

 

“Steve,” Sam said warningly. “Don’t do that.”

 

“It’s probably a little hard to hear him over the sound of you and everybody else clicking the safety off your guns every time Bucky breathes,” Darcy clapped back.

 

“I think we all need to calm down,” Bruce heavily recommended.

 

“ _Bucky_ thinks we should start getting ready if we want to catch happy hour.”

 

All eyes turned to Bucky from where he’d suddenly chimed in. He looked up from his phone and stared challengingly at everyone around him.

 

Sassy Bucky remained a true delight. Darcy opened her mouth to say so when Maria stormed in, dressed head to toe in tac gear.

 

“Suit up,” she commanded. “They’re on the move. Wheels up in fifteen.” She looked up from her tablet and took in the scene. “Huh. This looks a little tense. What’s happening?”

 

What perfect timing.

 

Jane stood up, drawing the attention. “I’ll come too. You’re right, Darce, it’s been a while.” She looked over at Darcy in support.

 

She loved Jane so much.

 

“Then it’s settled. Say hi to HYDRA for us. While you’re kicking their ass, we’ll be twerking ours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing that confrontation was cathartic. I love Darcy.
> 
> The VIOLENT scene from the VIOLENT movie they were watching is
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5ufgkJ-uVE 
> 
> AND AGAIN, IT IS VIOLENT!!!!!! 
> 
> It's literally one of my favorite movies but it's also pretty damn nasty lmao. 
> 
> I love you all!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: violence, sexual situations

Darcy found herself almost ready in nearly record time. Anger proved a hell of a motivator. She’d even surprised herself by applying her eyeliner with a steady hand. That was a true rarity.

 

“JARVIS, how goes Bucky in the dressing department? Remind him that those oversized pinstripe suits went out like, forever ago.”

 

There was a bit of a delay as JARVIS delivered her message.

 

“Sergeant Barnes replied with a long stare towards one of my cameras, similar to a look you would see on The Office.”

 

Darcy laughed loudly. “Is he decent? I’ll curl my hair in his room.”

 

“He is.”

 

She grabbed her hair straightener, supplies, clutch, and heels and made her way to Bucky’s floor. Darcy stared down at her bright pink polish as her feet slapped lightly at the ground beneath her.

 

They would have fun tonight.

 

They _would_ have fun tonight.

 

She blinked out of her daze at Bucky’s door.

 

“Access for you is enabled as always, Miss Lewis,” JARVIS said softly.

 

She smiled, let herself in, and headed straight to his room. “Bucky?” she called out from the hallway. His door was slightly ajar. She pushed it open just as he looked up from where he was seated on the edge of the bed, literally twiddling his thumbs. He stood up and there was a quiet moment as they looked each other up and down. Bucky was wearing a pair of his new black jeans that fit him really, really nicely, and black dress boots.

 

It was clear he was a boots kind of guy.

 

A white undershirt hugged his frame. And his hair…his hair was parted half up, half down, and it was a look. She forced herself out of her hot bod induced stasis.

 

“Do me a favor?” she asked, slightly breathless.

 

He nodded.

 

“Zip me up?”

 

She turned around and she felt more than heard his presence behind her. His metal hand gently moved her hair over the front of her shoulder and she tried not to think about his hands as he deftly gripped the zipper at her lower back and pulled it up.

 

“Thanks.” She turned back around and looked up at him. “I’m gonna borrow your bathroom,” she mumbled and walked quickly away.

 

She fanned her face with one hand and turned on the iron with the other. Jane would laugh at her if she witnessed this. Darcy, loud and obnoxious and in your face, suddenly flushed and awkward. Sheesh.

 

“White or black?”

 

Darcy blinked and looked over. Bucky had two dress shirts in hand. “Umm…go with the black, oh wait, no, white. There might be a blacklight where we go and we can glow together.”

 

She focused on he hair for a few minutes while he finished dressing himself outside.

 

“Sergeant, Miss Lewis, Miss Potts is requesting access,” JARVIS announced.

 

“She can come in, s’her place,” Bucky mumbled.

 

Darcy frowned and Pepper strolled confidently in, makeup done up and a huge fluffy robe on. She had a few things in hand.

 

“Before we begin, yes, this Tower might technically belong to Tony and I, but this is still very much your home and your apartment is your space. You have a right to your privacy, Sergeant.”

 

“Bucky’s fine.”

 

Darcy peeked out to see Bucky lower his head with a blush. Pepper had that affect on people.

 

“Now, onto other things.” She laid a few things out on his bed. “This is your I.D. for tonight. Your name is Thomas Hammond and your friends call you T.J. if you’re suddenly talking to someone you don’t know and they ask little details. You’re not from here, keep that vague, and you’re just out for a night on the town. You’re a vet, which is why you’re wearing a glove. Lastly, wear these,” she pointed to a pair of nice thick-framed glasses, “because all types of people go out to get drunk, including history majors, and the last thing we need is some kid having a conniption if they recognize you and making a scene. Good?”

 

“Yes ma’am.”

 

“Pepper, your efficiency is arousing. Have I told you that?” Darcy asked, wide-eyed.

 

“All the time,” Pepper laughed. “I figured you’d be done first so I headed down here. Jane and I will meet you later.”

 

“I think what you actually mean to say is ‘I’m going to use this time to get the deets from Janey because I’m a little taken aback by the drama I literally just walked into.”

 

“Perhaps. Cute dress, by the way.”

 

It was a white long-sleeved body-con dress with a slight plunging neck line, but with her boobs, there really wasn’t anything ‘slight’ about it.

 

“You should wear the silver Choo’s I got you.”

 

Darcy pointed to them at the foot of Bucky’s bed. Pepper looked at the two of them with a sly smile.

 

“I’ll see you there.”

 

Her exit was just as stunning as her entrance, white robe billowing behind her like a cape.

 

“Goddamn,” Bucky mumbled.

 

“Yup,” Darcy agreed.

 

~

 

 

Getting there and in was surprisingly no issue. The glasses and I.D. worked like a charm. No one looked at them twice and there was only a brief wait to get in. Darcy held Bucky’s hand as she led him through the crowd to the bar. The DJ was good enough that more people were on the dance floor rather than crowding around for drinks and she took advantage of that.

 

“Look around the crowd, take it all in, and get as comfy with it as you can,” she advised, knowing that it was pretty packed and it would take a few moments for Bucky to adjust to the change. 

 

She turned to the bartender. 

 

“Two tequila shots and a sex on the beach please. I’ll pay cash.”

 

This was an open tab joint and it was too risky to deal with her card here because if they needed to make a speedy exit, that would definitely put a hinder on things. 

 

“Hey there gorgeous!”

 

Wow, she’d made it what, a minute and a half?

 

She turned around to see a guy approaching her, and wow, it was quite the purposeful stride he had going there, and yup, his eyes were on her tits. What a surprise. She sighed softly. He reached his hand out but stopped suddenly when he glanced to the side and caught the look on Bucky’s face.

 

“Touch her without permission and I’ll rip your fingers clean off.”

 

Darcy’s eyes widened and she let out a low whistle. “I’d listen to him if were you, dude.”

 

The guy looked nervously between the two of them before taking the hint and disappearing into the mass dance orgy going on a few feet away. 

 

She patted Bucky’s thigh mostly in thanks, but also because she wanted to feel them in those tight ass dark jeans. Sue her. The bartender brought her drinks and she gave him the cash and told him to keep the change. No salt? No limes? Lame. She felt Bucky’s eyes on her as she downed one anyway.

 

“Wanna try?” she asked.

 

He took the shot first and frowned.

 

“Not a fan, huh? Try this one.”

 

He leaned forward and took a small sip of her cocktail. “It’s sweet,” he said after a moment.

 

“Can you taste the alcohol in it?”

 

He nodded.

 

“But it won’t affect you right? Bummer. I mean, in terms of tastes and whatever, alcohol has totally evolved since what, that homemade pissbeer or whatever you guys used to chug in the good ole’ days.”

 

He rolled his eyes and she stuck her tongue out before an idea occurred to her and holy hell, it was a great idea.

 

“Yooo, Asgardian Ale! That’ll get you wasted!”

 

“Thor’s brew?”

 

“Literally, Thor’s Brew. Apparently before all the drama took place, Tony got Steve to drink a bunch and he was like a frat boy. Wish I’d been there. I’d ask him to give me a lap dance.”

 

She watched Bucky turn that over in his mind. “Next time.”

 

“Next time what?”

 

“I’ll chug it.”

 

“You…you’ll chug Asgardian Ale.”

 

His eyes met hers. “You chug Tequila, I chug ale, and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle. Deal?”

 

She thought it over. Getting mind numbingly wasted with The Winter Soldier? Sign her the hell up. 

 

“Pinkie promise.”

 

He held out his leather clad pinkie and she looped hers around his.

 

“’S a deal then,” he drawled out.

 

She sipped a bit more of her drink. “I’m gonna mingle, dance, whatever. Will you be alright here?”

 

He nodded and she gave him one last lingering glance before she headed into the crowd. Almost immediately, another guy approached her and she sighed. It was whatever, honestly. She came out to get a bit drunk and dance and forget about how angry the rest of her friends were making her, so she could put up with some assholery. 

 

Until he immediately rubbed his hard dick on her ass.

 

“Absolutely not,” she whirled around and said to his face, “You’re not starting at a 10 when I’m not even at a 0.5 dude.”

 

“Aww, babe.”

She walked away to another part of the dance floor and ended up with a group of girls and it was nice. Just grinding and talking and laughing, a bit of twerking, and yeah, girls were nice. They were pretty drunk and she wasn’t even tipsy but it was just good vibes. Fun drunk girl vibes. She was cool with that. 

 

Darcy sort of lost time for a bit, relenting to a few guys being a bit more touchy feely than she was interested in when she realized the bar was in view. Some girl was talking to Bucky. But the kind of talking where she was pressed up against him and whispering in his ear, and honestly, good on her because Bucky was…woo damn, but also eek because she had strange feelings about it.

 

It was annoying on her part because it was one-hundred percent none of her business if that girl was getting it on with him and vice-versa. She was all about choices and like, Bucky making choices, so it was no big deal, really. 

 

The guy she was dancing with turned the heat up and she figured, why not. Against her will, she looked over at Bucky again, but this time they locked eyes. The girl trailed her hands down Bucky’s chest but he paid her no mind. Instead—something Darcy honestly didn’t see coming—he gently pushed the girl away from him and boy did she looked bummed out about that.

 

Then he walked in Darcy’s direction and she just…stopped dancing with the guy she was with because Bucky Barnes was walking with that sexy ass Winter Soldier prowl. A strut with purpose. The guy behind her said something but why was he still with her if she clearly wasn’t responding anymore? 

 

Bucky was in front of her now and he gently took the glass out of her hand and handed it to the guy she’d been dancing with. He then took her hand and led her away to a different corner of the dance floor. The music was a bit louder.

 

She looked up at him.

 

“Sooooo…wanna dance?” she asked.

 

“S’why I walked you over here, doll.”

 

Woooaaaahhhhh. doll again? Arousal level: fifty-percent and rising. 

 

“We didn’t quite get to the whole bumping and grinding when we practiced,” she said quietly, knowing he would hear her even this close to the speakers. 

 

He carefully placed his hands low on her back and slowly pulled her closer. She let him. “I’m a quick learner. Been watchin’.”

 

“The crowd?”

 

“You,” he clarified. 

 

“I wasn’t really doing much though,” she said, bringing both hands up the back of his neck, using one hand to play with his hair at the nape. 

 

“Looked like you were.”

 

“Oh, sweetheart. Don’t disrespect me,” she snorted, before she suddenly turned around in his arms, pressed her ass against him, and ground down to beat of the song.

 

The song was catchy, the male vocals repetitive, the lyrics and tone leaking with desire, the beat just fast enough that she could give Bucky the show he seemed to be asking for.

 

She kept up the motions for a moment, reaching her hand back to tangle in his hair and tug, hard, and Bucky suddenly stepped away from her. She turned, looked back, and took in his wide eyes.

 

“Is this too much, or…?” There was a bit of concern in her voice. There was also a challenge.

 

He licked his bottom lip, strode towards her, and backed her against a wall that was only a few feet away. She gasped when her back hit the wall and bit her lip when his body pressed firmly against her.

 

His eyes were so dark. Arousal level: sixty-eight percent and rising

 

“Show me what you learned then,” she said.

 

This time when Darcy turned around, she bent over, braced the wall for leverage, and arched her back in a way that had knocked out lesser men. She was good at this, trust her. Bucky’s hand immediately grabbed her hips in a vice grip, and huh, this time he responded to her movements. She looked back just to catch him do a bit of a body roll and, wowza, that was hot. His hips moved with hers, grinding against her in a way that none of the guys she’d danced with tonight had quite managed.

 

She wanted to see his face.

 

Darcy straightened up and turned around. She then tugged Bucky forward and maneuvered herself so that one of his thighs was pressed between her legs.

Their eyes met and she watched his dilate.

 

Holy.

 

Thor.

 

~

 

She warm against his thigh. He was tempted to take the glove off his left hand and place his metal fingers between her folds just to get a sensory read.

 

 _You are aroused,_ James whispered, and he could feel himself responding to the way she was moving against him. It was so much…more, with her legs spread, staring confidently back at him.

 

Without thinking, he reached around with his flesh hand and cupped her ass. Her eyes widened, so much that he realized how much her pupils had grown.

 

She was…so warm, against him. He couldn’t take his complete focus off the feeling of her riding his thigh. He wished it were his mouth. He wanted to taste her, make her come apart.

 

“You’re sweating,” she said suddenly.

 

“I’m hot,” he found himself answering.

 

“You are,” she responded, and she smirked.

 

This was a sensory overload. She was everywhere, around him. In him. He wanted to be in her. God, what was wrong with him?

 

He hoisted her up some and took on more of her weight. She was nearly seated on him but she still managed to move to the music. He placed his lips against her neck and could feel her pulse, strong and hard and fast. Her ass was firm in his hand and he squeezed. She moaned softly.

 

His lower body felt like it was literally on fire.

 

 

~

 

He was hard.

 

Darcy was honestly three seconds from pulling her panties to the side and testing out that Asgardian birth control spell or whatever Thor had hooked her up with when she realized this might be the right time to take a break.

 

If she was thinking of him in her on a dance floor…then yes, it was definitely time to take a break.

 

“I’m gonna…go get water.”

 

He nodded and slowly set her back down. She wobbled slightly and his gloved hand steadied her while his other…she watched him reach down and adjust himself.

 

Water. Waterwaterwater.

 

It was an honest struggle to get her body in a direction that he wasn’t in. There was an actual pull, drawing her toward him and nope, water. For her raging thirst.

 

She felt his eyes on her back as she moved toward the bar and heaved herself up on a stool. Then she took three deep breaths.

 

“She’ll have a water, please.”

 

Darcy’s head snapped up and locked on the woman beside her with an immaculately cut black bob. “Uhhh…Pepper?”

 

“Like the wig?”

 

“Yo, what’s good with the wifi?” some guy shouted a few feet away.

 

Darcy leaned in closer. “It’s…a new look. I kind of like it.”

 

“Drink the water.”

 

Darcy looked to her left and huh, Jane was here too. Cleary Darcy was distracted. Jane smirked knowingly.

 

“You look...” she started.

 

“As horny as I feel? Yeah,” Darcy finished, and chugged the glass of water in front of her.

 

Pepper laughed. “This is a different side of Mr. Barnes I didn’t think I’d ever witness.”

 

Darcy set down the glass. “Same. How long have you been here?”

 

“Around twenty minutes? Headed straight to the bar. I really needed a drink.”

 

“We actually texted first, but clearly you were too busy to text back,” Jane added, downing a shot of something Darcy didn’t even hear her order.

 

Was she really that wrecked? Her situational awareness was in the negatives right now. Darcy reached into her cleavage and pulled out her phone. “I didn’t get any texts. Guess the signal’s bad.”

 

Jane pouted. “You were really upset and I was a bit worried.”

 

“Aww, Janey, I’m sorry.”

 

“Oh, hush. Clearly you’re feeling…better.”

 

Darcy stuck her tongue out. “Take a shot with me, bitches. I need this. Pepper, what do you want?”

 

Pepper was frowning down at her phone. “You’re sure you didn’t get any texts?”

 

“Uh, positive?”

 

“StarkPhones don’t lose signal.” Pepper touched her hand to her ear. “JARVIS, can you hear me?” She shook her head when there was no answer.

 

Darcy’s heart dropped and she whirled in Bucky’s direction. A woman was talking to him. She leaned toward him and his back hit the wall. Then she whispered into his ear and he slumped for a moment before straightening up and, Jesus, that wasn’t Bucky anymore, it was James. The woman stepped back and began walking out. James followed her, limbs stiff.

 

“Guys—” she stopped speaking because three pretty big men were headed in her direction and she finally realized that this…this was a problem.

 

Pepper was already off the stool.

 

Jane glanced at both of them. “What’s happening?”

 

Darcy looked away from the men to James who was slowly following the woman in an awkward strut as if he were fighting with himself. The woman grabbed his arm. Even with her hair done up and clothing styled to help her blend in, there was something evil and militaristic about her stance. For her to do whatever she’d done to Bucky in that moment…HYDRA. This had to be HYDRA.

 

“Make a scene,” said one of the guys who was in hearing range, “and this’ll get really ugly for you.”

 

James was moving more comfortably now. Whatever they’d said to trigger him was winning.

 

Darcy couldn’t breathe. If he made it out that door there was a chance they’d never see him again. They would take everything from him. He’d just started to live, to enjoy his food, to discover music he liked, books to read and discuss, movies to watch. They’d gone shopping together and broken down together and slept together and danced, God they’d danced together, and he’d enjoyed himself, and they were going to just…take that away.

 

They were going to take that away because Darcy was stupid and in trying to get Bucky away from how oppressive everyone in the tower was acting she’d brought him into the very thing they’d been afraid of. Right into HYDRA’s arms.

 

She had to get him back. She had to wake him up and get him back. She couldn’t….she couldn’t let this happen, God, she couldn’t let this happen.

 

Darcy ran forward. It was silly, to try, but she had to, so she ran forward. Immediately, one of the assholes grabbed her and shoved her back against the bar, and James was getting farther away to wherever they would probably never find him.

 

People were starting to stare.

 

The ring on her finger, like everything else, had been a gift from Natasha and could be used. She slammed her hand three times on the bar and a small blade popped out from the jewel in the middle. Jane was struggling against the guy on her left, Pepper was standing oddly still in front of the guy on the right. The bartender was shouting something, people were watching, and James was halfway to the exit.

 

The guy on Pepper’s side reached for her and the moment he made contact with her arm, Pepper burst into flames. Everyone reeled from the heat and Darcy remembered what Natasha constantly drilled into her.

 

_Take advantage of any distraction. Worry about what you did later, and focus on survival now. Be violent, love. They’ll be the same._

Darcy snapped back into action and slammed her palm down. A blade sprung out from the bottom f her ring and she brought her palm down on his eye, digging into it. They both screamed, her from revulsion, him from the pain, and she dragged her hand downward. He immediately let her go and she shoved him back. Darcy then looked over just in time to see Jane, free of attention since they were now focused on Pepper, throw two glasses of liquid toward them. Pepper then proceeded to _light them on fire_.

 

Jesus.

 

People were screaming all around her. They had this.

 

Where was James?

 

Where was he, where was he…

 

She spotted him at the edge of the dance floor. “James!” she yelled over the crowd, but she got no response. “James!” she tried again.

 

She kept running forward. Some people were panicked; some had their phones out, trying to record or dial for help. The pandemonium turned out in Darcy’s favor as it hindered HYDRA’s escape. But he wasn’t hearing her. He was still leaving and once he got out that door, that was it. And if Darcy herself managed to get away, she’d walk back to the tower and have to look Steve in the face and tell him that Bucky was gone. And she’d have to live with the knowledge that she’d failed Bucky so spectacularly, that she’d basically given him back to his abusers.

 

She needed to get his attention. She needed to break the trance. One thing came to her mind.

 

Please, _please_ , let this work.

 

“James!” she screamed, “Catch me!”

 

He stopped, body twitching weirdly and Darcy took off at a sprint. The woman shouted something but he still turned in Darcy’s direction so she ran as fast as she could. She was so close, so close, and his hands were held in her direction, so close, so close, and then she was there. His hands gripped her and hoisted her up.

 

Instead of spreading her arms, she waited until he began to lower her. Her hands slapped his cheeks, fingers digging in. “Come back to me,” she gasped out, “James, come back to me.”

 

His eyes widened.

 

~

 

Bucky watched her head to the bar and released a deep breath. His body felt like it was boiling. Two women approached her from either side and he watched carefully. It was Jane Foster and from the mannerisms of the other, Pepper Potts.

 

He relaxed a bit to focus on what had just happened.

 

 _She is…_ James trailed off and Bucky agreed. She was…something alright.

 

What had just happened was something else new, and different, and raw.

 

A woman caught his attention as she strode up to him, a stride in her step that immediately had him on guard.

 

“Soldier,” she said, and his body went oddly stiff.

 

He stepped back as she walked forward, back pressed against the wall. He couldn’t move. She leaned next to his ear.

 

It was fear that kept him from shoving her away. Fear and shock.

 

“Sputnik.”

 

Like a vacuum, Bucky felt himself sucked away and James rebooted. No. The Soldier rebooted.

 

Blank slate.

 

“Orders?” the Solider asked.

 

“Walk with me. We’re leaving.”

 

The body moved slowly into motion. It was difficult. The limbs were like molasses.

 

Malfunction?

 

The handler walked forward and it followed. There was a commotion a few feet away but the Soldier kept its eyes on the handler.

 

Something was holding the body back. Screams like whispers echoed in the mind, like they were locked behind a door. It did not understand.

 

Scanning body.

 

Where was the malfunction?

 

Sudden heat burst forth at its right. People started screaming, running. Handler visibly startled and was angry.

 

“Keep walking, Soldier.”

 

She touched her ear. “I told you to handle them!”

 

The screams were barely there now, in its head. Movement was improving. Objective was clear. Leave with handler.

 

“James!”

 

Ignore. Objective clear. Leave with handler.

 

“James!”

 

Ignore. Objective clear. Leave with handler.

 

Exit visible. Handler sped up.

 

“James! Catch me!”

 

Something exploded in the Soldier’s mind and as if on autopilot, the body turned in the direction of a voice. A dark haired girl running toward him wore an expression it could not interpret. Its arms reached forward.

 

Catch her. It had to catch her.

 

Its mind was burning, she was upset, it did not like, it was not supposed to like, it was feeling, why was it feeling…

 

She jumped at the last second and it grabbed her, hoisted her up in the air. Movement stilled around them, everyone drawn to the scene. He lowered her slightly, looked into her eyes, and her hands came to cup his cheeks in a clawed grip.

 

“Come back to me,” she gasped, “James, come back to me.”

 

The screaming was louder, the screamer had a voice, and it was him.

 

It was not the Asset.

 

 _He_ was not the Asset.

 

He was James, and he was Bucky, and he was no one’s but his own. He was

 

J A M E S

 

B

U

C

H

A

N

A

N

 

B A R N E S

 

and this was their body, and their body only, and they would NOT be taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this fic 1000 years ago, I had this bizarre scene of a traumatized Bucky hoisting Darcy in the air in the middle of a club and her begging him to come back to her. No joke. I thought about it for WEEKS and knew I had to somehow incorporate it into this fic. It was a pleasure finally writing it. 
> 
> Also.
> 
> Wonder Woman? Just heck me up.
> 
> Yay for long-ish chapters! Love you! <3


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: excessive violence, unhealthy coping mechanisms, references to eating disorders

James and Bucky thoughts blended together in unison, urged on by a primal rage and a desperate need to protect.

 

**No harm comes to them.**

~

 

 

Before Darcy could blink, Bucky cracked the glasses on his face and jabbed the temple of the frame into the woman’s neck twice. Darcy stared down at the woman as she gargled something into her comm, her other hand trying to clamp down on the bleeding. It was pointless. She could barely spit out her Hail HYDRA mantra as she collapsed.

 

Darcy was hoisted over Bucky’s shoulder as she struggled to comprehend just what she was seeing. And then her mind caught up. No damsel in distress today. Get it the hell together.

 

“Put me down, I’m okay.”

 

In one fluid motion, he set her gently down before he whirled, caught another disguised goon by the neck with his metal arm, and hurled him across the room.

 

Christ.

 

The club was nearly empty and Darcy rushed over to a woman who sat on the ground, clearly in shock.

 

“Get up, get up and get out. Run!” The lady blinked and stood up, staggering out.

 

“Darcy!”

 

Jane. Darcy looked over. Right. The fire. Pepper was staring dispassionately down at two smoldering bodies, and was nearly naked. She’d burnt through her clothes. Jane tried to cover her as best as she could while puling her away from the growing fire way too close to the bar.

 

She looked behind her where Bucky said something to the guy he’d downed, and snapped his neck. He then grabbed his weapon and walked back over to her, murder strut in full effect.

 

“James?” she asked.

 

He nodded and guided her to Jane and Pepper while he removed his shirt. He took Pepper’s jaw in his hand and carefully turned her his way.

 

“Think later, act now.”

 

He gave her his shirt and Darcy buttoned hit for her. James then turned to Jane. “Grab more bottles.”

 

She scrambled to do what he said, bravely vaulting over the bar and grabbing what she could while leaning away from the growing flames.

 

“How are the police not here yet?” Darcy asked while she helped get Pepper in order.

 

“The street is blocked off.”

 

“Well we can’t stay here! We have a couple minutes tops before this place becomes a fireball,” Jane yelled as she rushed back over with as many bottles of liquor she could carry.

 

“They want to smoke us out,” Darcy whispered.

 

“Hm,” was all James said in response. He stretched and took account of all his weapons.

 

Darcy blanched when she saw he had two other guns aside from the one he removed from HYDRA scumbag number whatever.

 

“Follow me.”

 

He led them to a back hallway where the bathrooms were located, along with an emergency exit.

 

“Get in the restroom.”

 

They did that too, and a moment later, the sounds of a fight erupted. All three flinched when a few gunshots sounded as well.

 

“He’s got to be outnumbered,” Darcy said worriedly. She wanted to help. This was all her fault.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

Pepper’s head shot up. “Click your heels three times.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Do it.”

 

Darcy couldn’t help but help but imagine Dorothy when she did so. Two blades sprang out of her heels and slightly threw her off balance.

 

“Holy crap!” She stumbled and peered out of the bathroom. James was making mince meet of a man’s skull against the wall and two more were trying to crowd him in the hallway. He used the guy’s body to block any bullets fired.

 

Darcy squinted and realized they were tranqs. They were still trying to incapacitate him and take him in. Screw that!

 

Another guy rounded the corner. Darcy held still while he rushed past the bathroom to get to James. She ran out after he passed and clumsily jumped on his back.

 

“Screw you, asshole!” she screeched, and tried to use her ring to claw at his face. The goon instead slammed back into the wall and she gasped as her breath was forced out of her.

 

“Darcy!” Jane yelled in alarm.

 

Darcy ignored them and tightened her grip as much as she could. She opened her eyes in time to see the last guy James was dealing with drop dead and he sprinted down the hall toward her. “James, my shoe, my shoe!” she screamed, kicking it off.

 

He slid and snatched it off the floor. She closed her eyes and heard the man die rather than watched it, and James helped her get untangled from his body.

 

Jane and Pepper stepped out.

 

“Give me a bottle,” Pepper shouted, and ran down the hallway back toward the club floor.

 

“Wait—” Darcy and Jane shouted but stopped once broke open the bottle and doused the floor around her with it. She then glowed again, her shirt crisping around the edges. The hall around her simmered and flames sprung up. The heat was intense, and Pepper calmly walked away to join them.

 

“Well, one way out, now.”

 

“Bottle,” James commanded, and he reached for his gun with the other. Darcy grabbed her other shoe and Pepper clenched her fist, hands glowing menacingly.

 

Bring it, bitch.

 

He kicked the door open with such force, the man immediately behind it flew back into another, and James dispatched them quickly with his gun. He then launched the bottle down the alleyway and shot in its direction. Darcy guessed from their screams that it had the desired effect.

 

“Run to the left.”

 

They didn’t need to be told twice. The three of them rushed out and Bucky sprinted ahead of them, jerked to a stop, and fired three rapid rounds at the rooftops around them. One of the assailants fell and hit the ground so hard Darcy was sorry he’d been killed before impact. A shattered body was probably more painful than a simple shot to the head and he deserved to suffer before his soul was dragged to hell.

 

“Hit the ground!” James shouted.

 

Immediately after, a spray of bullets came from his direction.

 

“This is crazy!” Jane screeched from where she was lying face up, the last two bottles clutched in her arms.

 

“I dunno, remember when Thor literally fell from the sky and when you were possessed by some demonic ass stone,” Darcy deadpanned.

 

“I just lit two men on fire! I burned through my panties and I’m wearing a man’s shirt and nothing else in the middle of Manhattan,” Pepper laughed, and the three women found themselves giggling hysterically while men dropped dead left and right all around them.

 

James helped them up and surveyed them before nodding at whatever he saw. “They’re regrouping. There is a second wave around the corner. Run right, find a car. I will catch up.”

 

“I still can’t get in touch with JARVIS. We need backup,” Pepper said angrily, fists glowing again.

 

“I will handle it. Run right, find a car. I will catch up.”

 

Darcy stepped forward and wiped at a gash on his forehead.

 

“It is fine. Run right, find a car—”

 

“You’ll catch up. Got it. Be careful.”

 

“An unnecessary warning. They will not touch you, or take me.”

 

He sounded certain, he looked terrifying, and Darcy’d never trusted him more with their safety than in this moment.

 

“He’s got this. If we do what he says things will be easier.”

 

The moment Bucky gave the signal, they took off and turned right as he’d said. The coast looked relatively clear, if the remaining people from the club running and screaming and trapped in panic counted as clear. Shots rang out from all around them. A woman in heavy gear sprang out suddenly in front of Darcy and before she could even think of slowing to a stop, the woman’s head rocked backward as she was struck from a bullet and she collapsed. Darcy jumped over her and kept going, instead focusing on the cars parallel parked around her.

 

“Why are we still running, just grab a car!”

 

“And what, end up with a car that can’t take a turn at anything over 15 miles per hour and have us roll the rest of the way home?”

 

Pepper still tried to contact JARVIS to no avail.

 

“Bucky can hotwire a car, right?”

 

Darcy didn’t say anything to that, and instead focused on an armored jeep that screeched to a stop on the sidewalk across the street. Another squad of four in all black jumped out. The driver was still behind the wheel. They all aimed their guns above and Darcy looked behind to see James sprinting across a rooftop. He had a much bigger gun in hand this time.

 

“What are we waiting for?” Jane asked, and screamed as a bullet shattered a storefront window behind her.

 

Darcy didn’t answer, too busy thinking. No car they grabbed off the street would be enough to protect them from ANY of the weapons getting fired left and right. One good shot and it was over. They needed that jeep, high turnover rate or not. Her hand instinctively moved for her taser but she didn’t have it. The ONE time she didn’t bring her taser, she got attacked by goddamned HYDRA.

 

Her shoe-blade-thing would have to do then.

 

Darcy took off at a run across the street. Pepper and Jane screeched behind her. All she needed to do was get that last asshole out of the car. He was clearly a designated driver or cooking up something extra special to still be inside. She thought the heck not!

 

The window rolled down just as she got to the drivers side and he poked a gun out, probably thinking he’d end her quickly. Natasha’s lessons ran through her mind and she ducked just in time as a bullet struck his hand.

 

Go James.

 

She dove up and grabbed his arm, tugged with everything she had, and jabbed the blade down. It barely managed to pierce his gear but she kept at it. Anything to get this dickhead out of the damn car.

 

He cursed loudly and leaned away from her, pulling her back. She ended up pressed weirdly against the car. These HYDRA assholes were strong. His other hand reached into his pocket for what she guessed was another weapon.

 

“Lights out, you stupid bitch!”

 

Famous last words.

 

Pepper suddenly appeared at the passenger side and yanked the locked car door open with such a vicious strength that the entire vehicle lurched dangerously to the side. She then grabbed him by his tac vest and ripped him out of the car. He hit the pavement roughly and before he could get himself together, a bullet struck him between the eyes.

 

Nausea pooled in Darcy’s gut but she kept moving. Think later, act now.

 

She settled herself into the drivers seat, Pepper in the passenger, and Jane sprinted and threw herself into the back. Without hesitation, Darcy shifted the gear into drive and slammed her foot on the gas.

 

“Which way are we going?”

 

“Right like he said.”

 

James would catch up. She knew he would. The street was abnormally clear, and not even 30 seconds down the street, another armored vehicle came careening around the block.

 

“Oh, screw me, Thor,” Jane yelled.

 

There was a joke to be said in that moment, but the jeep gave a lurch as something hit it from above. All three women screamed, but it turned out to be James. He reached through the open window and gripped the grab bar right above it with his right hand. He used the step under the door to help keep himself balanced and started shooting with his other hand.

 

Unfortunately, he was quickly out of bullets.

 

“Hold on!” Darcy yelled, and hit the gas. She could play chicken with those bastards. One of them leaned out the back window and shot in their direction. Bucky held up his metal arm and blocked the spray of bullets like he was Wonder Woman or something. More bullets ricocheted off the windshield and she forced herself to push past the terror and keep going. Just keep going. At the last possible second, just when everyone else was prepared for a collision, she swerved to the side. Bucky spread his arm out and snatched the man leaning out by the neck. His body bent strangely as it was torn from the car and he used it to cover himself from another spray of bullets from a second car behind them. Liquid splashed over the side of Darcy’s face.

 

Think later, act now.

 

“Do you want them behind us or should I spin us around?”

 

“Direct confrontation,” James answered.

 

Darcy hit the brake, spun the jeep around, and drove backwards. Pepper held her stomach as the car spun dangerously in a circle. “How are you doing this?” she yelled.

 

“I had a thing with a car thief my senior year of high school. She taught me some things!”

 

“Remind me to look her up later and have her records expunged!” Pepper screeched in response, skin still lightly aglow.

 

Light bulb!

 

“Oh! Jane, my earrings! Take my earrings off!” Darcy yelled.

 

Jane immediately reached and clipped both of them off.

 

“If you pressed the gem in the middle, we have like 20 seconds before it explodes.”

 

Everyone in the tower was rightly paranoid as hell and all these little gifts from her friends were deadly. Thank Thor.

 

“I have an idea but my aim is shit so one of you have to do it!” Jane yelled.

 

Darcy glanced in her rear mirror to see Jane open open one of the last two bottles. “Twenty seconds starting, now!” She yelled, pressed the gem, placed it inside the alcohol, and closed it.

 

Pepper opened her window. “Let them pull up beside us!”

 

Darcy slowed down enough that they managed to be moving side by side. James vanished as he pulled himself up and rolled over the roof onto Pepper’s side. Pepper, badass that she was, reached over into the now open window of the car beside them and _held them in place_. James shoved his metal hand in front of her face just in time to stop a bullet from hitting her. She screamed but held on.

 

Jane took the hint and passed the bottle to Pepper’s other hand. As quickly as she could, she shoved the bottle through the window onto the driver’s lap and immediately released the car.

 

“Brace!” Darcy shouted, and slammed on the brake just in time. The van beside them sped off and exploded, flames licking out of the broken windows. It collided into a storefront on the side.

 

Another one bites the dust, bitch!

 

Naturally, their moment of victory ended almost immediately as another armored van slammed into them from behind. Darcy lost her bearings for a bit as their jeep spun before it came to a rough stop.

 

“You guys okay?” she asked after a moment. She blinked to steady her vision but it remained blurred. Her glasses got knocked off somewhere. Perfect.

 

“I’m okay,” Jane gasped from where she lay awkwardly in the back seat.

 

“I’m good, go, go go,” Pepper gasped.

 

“James?” she asked.

 

He didn’t answer.

 

“Pepper, find my glasses, where’s James, where is he, where is he—”

 

Jane peered out her open window. “He’s fine, he’s, Jesus, he literally taking the second jeep apart.”

 

A particularly guttural scream started and ended abruptly from what sounded like a few feet back.

 

“Oh, God, I can’t watch this,” Jane whispered and turned away.

 

“He looks like Tony does when I’m in danger,” Pepper muttered. “We’re going to be okay. He just crushed a man’s face with his real hand. We’re going to be fine.” She started giggling hysterically. “I’m destined for stress, it seems.”

 

“I found your glasses, here.”

 

Darcy grabbed them and shoved them on her face and looked to finally see what everybody else was.

 

Oh, James.

 

~

 

 

He used the momentum of their spinning car and propel himself forward onto he enemy van behind him. They jerked to a stop in an attempt to throw him off.

 

Futile.

 

Instead he punched the windshield with his metal hand, once, twice, three times. It cracked.

 

One more.

 

He threw himself to the right of the car when one of the soon to be dead tried to aim a tranq dart at him. Giving up on the windshield (for now), he used his left hand to rip the door from the hinges, and the other to crush the face of the man behind the wheel.

 

One disposed of.

 

The man behind him shot at him. The bullet struck his shoulder.

 

Pain is nothing but a motivator.

 

He reached for one of his knives and dispatched of him easily with his right hand, blood spurting from the open jugular. With his left, he reached up in time to catch another dart and hold the gun in place.

 

“You will perish,” James told him.

 

The man released the gun and dove out of the car, screeching into his comm. Again, futile. Within moments James caught up with him and grabbed him by his neck. He launched him through the weakened windshield and watched as the body twitched for a few moments before it went still.

 

Reinforcements were on their way, ETA three minutes, came from the walkie clutched in a dead man’s hand.

 

James turned and looked back at the jeep. Darcy met his gaze with wide eyes. He knew the look she was giving him. He was intimately familiar with fear. With horror.

 

_I told her this would happen, Bucky gasped from within, I told her, I told her, I told herItoldherItoldherItoldherItoldher_

 

Her mouth was moving. She was saying something. Yelling something.

 

“—ay, James. It’s okay! It’s okay! James! It’s okay!” she yelled, over and over, until he jogged back toward her.

 

She reached through the broken window and took his face one of her hands and used the other to tug at his flesh hand from where it’d begun to tug frantically at his hair.

 

“It’s okay,” she said, softer. “It’s okay,” she reassured him, again and again.

 

He was fine. It was fine. They were fine. Her hand on his cheek was a steady presence. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a second to breathe. Then he settled back into the familiar calm that came when he was ready to end more lives.

 

They were fine.

 

~

 

Darcy watched him steady himself, aware of their audience. Jane and Pepper were completely steady in the car as they watched.

 

She was about to say something else when the city went dark. Literally. All lights from the street and buildings around them shut off.

 

In the darkness, she could make out the blue and red police lights a hell of a distance away. They still couldn’t get through, which made sense. The typical police squad was hardly equipped to deal with HYDRA strike teams.

 

“Oh, God,” she whispered. How the hell were they going to get out of this?

 

“Ladies and gentlemen!” JARVIS boomed from the speaker of their car. They all jumped. “Apologies for startling you, and my absence. A high frequency jammer is in effect. I’ve shut down the power to a large chunk of the city to give myself a boost. You will not lose contact with me again.”

 

“JARVIS,” Pepper gasped out, voice choking off into a sob.

 

“I’m so glad to hear you, JARV, you have no idea,” Darcy added, tears springing to her eyes as well.

 

“Your sentiments are echoed. I too, am happy to see you in good health. I will now direct you to safety. Please put the car into drive.”

 

James took his place on the side of the car and Darcy revved the engine. Here they go.

 

“Please follow my directions as closely as possible. I am back in control and will guide you. Seatbelt, please, Miss Foster.”

 

Darcy sped down the empty street.

 

“There are two armored vehicles headed towards you from opposite directions. Hit your brake.”

 

Darcy slammed the brake and watched, jaw dropped, as two HYDRA vans sped in front of her and collided. Jane let out an impressive stream of curses as Darcy swerved around the wreck. Around her, the streets were still empty.

 

“JARVIS, this is the city that never sleeps. What the hell is happening!?”

 

“This is a large scale operation, Miss Lewis. A sizeable amount of the area around you has been cordoned off. We will need to brake through a well guarded barricade to get around. The team has been notified but I plan to have you back at the tower before their intervention is necessary. Swerve left and you will hit an armed soldier.”

 

Darcy did it with glee. Their bullets pinged loudly off the reinforced glass before they realized she wasn’t going around them. Jane let out a wild cackle as they flew up and over the jeep. James managed to snatch a gun from them before they hit the ground behind them. He wrapped the gun sling around himself.

 

“You will approach a hard turn in approximately 5 seconds. Begin turning your wheel…now.” 

 

“JARVIS, you are so badass!” she screamed, half terrified, half in awe as the tires screeched.

 

“I try my best, Miss Lewis. There are three heavily armored squadrons behind you. We are nearing the end of their barricade where they are in a standoff shooting with police. The solders behind you are more heavily equipped and there is a 78% chance of civilian casualties should we force our way through with them in tow.”

 

“We can’t let people die,” Darcy whispered.

 

She couldn’t have those deaths on her conscience. God, she couldn’t, she couldn’t—

 

“There is an abandoned warehouse within their barrier.”

 

“Take us there,” said Pepper, fists clenched.

 

“We have one more bottle and her earring,” Jane added.

 

James was silent, but Darcy could feel the animosity coming off in waves. Perched on the side of their van, eyes slightly squinted against the wind, the muscles of his right arm bulging as he held on in a vice grip, blood all over him, he didn’t need to say anything. He looked exactly like what HYDRA’d wanted, and now they were his target.

 

Good effing luck.

 

“Warehouse it is then.”

 

JARVIS guided them as the world’s most ruthless GPS.

 

“How well can you drift, Miss Lewis?”

 

Darcy frowned as the warehouse came into sight. “Well, it’s gonna suck like a mothertrucker in a van like this but I’ll make it work.”

 

“Brilliant. Please keep the jeep in constant motion. Sergeant Barnes, can you handle this?”

 

James nodded.

 

“Hold onto your tits,” Darcy exclaimed, and shifted gears.

 

Jane grabbed onto her seatbelt and sent up a prayer. Maybe Thor would hear her, wherever the hell he’d run off too.

 

“Bottle,” James growled out and Jane scrambled to fix everything together while her insides flopped all over the place.

 

In order to disturb Darcy as little as possible, Pepper took the bottle and carefully maneuvered herself out the window. She looked over at James from the roof of the car. “Take it,” she screeched, and shoved herself back inside once James grabbed it from her.

 

He then released the jeep.

 

“JAMES,” Darcy screamed, and she watched in horror as his left side slammed violently into the windshield of the car behind them. The car jerked to a stop and threw him off, but not before he shoved the bottle through. The car exploded and blew him further back where he collapsed and rolled on the ground.

 

He didn’t move.

 

Oh God oh God Oh God

 

There were still two more cars who were now trying to get to him and she sped up and spun the car in circles around him to protect him as best as he could.

 

“James, get up!” she screamed, because there was nothing she could do.

 

Pepper obviously had something serious going on but she wasn’t trained in combat like that and Jane was a beast but she was also a civilian and Darcy was a stupid idiot who’d dragged them all out here and now Bucky was laying bloody on the ground and her friends were in shambles and HYDRA was locked and loaded and ready to spirit James away and remake him or something and this was her fault her fault her fault—

 

He stood up. His stance was shaky for a bit but he stood up. His mouth moved but she couldn’t hear him. She couldn’t hear anything. All of her was focused on him.

 

“—rcy! Darcy!” Pepper shouted, and slapped her arm gently.

 

“What?” she gasped out, back to her senses.

 

“JARVIS said for you to keep the car in motion, just like this. Keep Bucky in the middle.”

 

Okay. Darcy could do that. She watched as he took the large gun hanging from the sling and raise it up, one eye peering through the scope.

 

What was he doing?”

 

When her car passed him, he shot. The front passenger of one of the vehicles flopped awkwardly from where he’d been hanging out of the window.

 

Oh. She was his cover.

 

Yes, she could do that. HELL YES, she could to that.

 

He shot again, and again, and again, with this otherworldly type of precision that seemed effortless. Once he got one of the drivers, the enemy vehicle collided with the other. He kept shooting, and shooting, and shooting, until there was no other movement.

 

She hit the brake. Where there’d been deafening noise was now complete and utter silence.

 

James dropped the AK-47, grabbed his glock, walked up to the remaining twitching goon laid out on the ground, and blew his brains out.

 

There was a moment where they all just stared.

 

“Sergeant Barnes, if you could please return to your perch. HYDRA is retreating and I will now guide you safely home.”

 

The ride back was somewhat of a daze. Pepper curled up in her seat. Jane stared sightlessly out of the window. James leaned his head back and closed his eyes. It was surreal. There was blood everywhere. Darcy steered with one hand and awkwardly wrapped her other arm through James’s. Their specialized Tower garage entrance opened.

 

They were home.

 

~

 

Darcy’s feet were unsteady as they made their way out onto the common floor. Bruce was there with a large med kit in the kitchen.

 

“Oh thank God,” he gasped, but he immediately paused. “Sergeant?” Bruce asked cautiously.

 

Darcy looked over worriedly.

 

~

 

**Threat** , they chanted in their mind. **Threat, threat, threat, threat, threat.**

 

~

 

 

Bruce put his hands up and slowly backed away from the kitchen island. His eyes were green.

 

“James,” Darcy whispered.

 

He ignored her and stared hard eyed at Bruce as they slowly maneuvered themselves into the kitchen. Pepper and Jane followed carefully.

 

“James,” Darcy whispered again, “It’s okay. Look at me.”

 

He didn’t, and Darcy’s heart pounded. Just when she’d almost sort of kind of barely started to relax…

 

“Darcy, I need you to take out some gauze and press it against the wound on the Sergeant’s side,” Bruce calmly instructed.

 

Darcy looked away from James’s blank face and blanched at the dark patch of red from the open cut in his white undershirt. She left his side and dove into the kit, grabbed gauze, and pressed against it as hard as she could. James didn’t take his eyes off Bruce, who kept his hands up in surrender.

 

Naturally, this was when JARVIS announced that the team had returned. Thor and Tony arrived first, both bursting in with determined and panicked shouts. James shot at the Iron Man armor in warning and they both stilled, but Tony raised his repulsors and took aim.

 

The next gunshot was so loud in the room and Darcy startled badly and dropped the gauze. James shoved her behind him

 

“Step the hell away from her,” Tony yelled.

 

Pepper didn’t say anything. She just kept her head in her hands. Jane wrapped her arms around her.

 

“I’m warning you, Barnes,” Tony growled out, mechanized voice adding a level of menacing Darcy wasn’t used to hearing from him.

 

This was getting out of control.

 

Steve arrived next, Natasha and Clint a second behind.

 

“Bucky, put the gun down,” Steve said, slight panic in his voice as everyone else arrived and took aim.

 

“Crowding him isn’t going to work—

 

“That’s not Bucky,” Natasha cut in, and whatever sympathy had been on anyone’s face turned to grim apprehension. Darcy watched them all shift into something much more dangerous, and no, no, this wasn’t happening.

 

This was beyond out of control. This was a damn hurricane the moment she’d decided it was a good idea to drag him out of the tower like that. They were ready to kill, just as he was.

 

No.

 

She forced herself out from behind him and instead threw herself in front, back turned to her friends.

 

“James, look at me.”

 

His eyes, frighteningly blank, remained trained on everyone else. He said something in Russian and Natasha responded, her voice harsh and unrelenting.

 

“Don’t talk to her. Don’t look at her, or anyone else. Talk to me, and look at me.”

 

“Darcy babe, we both don’t want this to happen but he’s not in control right now and you need to step out of the line of fire, please,” Clint said, and there was a waver in his voice.

 

She understood how conflicted he felt.

 

Ignoring his plea, she put her hands on his shoulders and stood up on the balls of her feet in hopes to block his line of sight.

 

“James,” she whispered, “Look at me.”

 

“Buck, please, put the gun down.” Steve sounded like he didn’t know if he was going to throw himself at James or in front of him. This was serious.

 

“Warrior Barnes,” Thor said softly, “There are no enemies in this Tower. Only worried friends. There is no need for weapons.”

 

James spat something else out in Russian, and it sounded like Darcy felt. Raw.

 

“We won’t lower our weapons until you do,” Natasha ground out.

 

Thor plowed on. “My beloved is safe. You kept her safe. Anthony’s beloved his safe. You kept her safe. And Darcy is safe in front of you. You kept them all safe. They are safe. You did well, Warrior Barnes.”

 

“James,” Darcy said again, and wrapped her arms around him. “Let’s go. Thor’s right. You kept us safe. You beat the crap out of HYDRA and none of this blood on me is mine, or Pepper’s or Jane’s. It’s fine.”

 

Right. Blood. There was blood _all over her_. Crusted onto her glasses, splashed on her face, stained on her white dress, between her toes, on her bare feet…

 

Sam whispered something about dissociation and Steve said something else, a little louder, but she still heard it.

 

“I knew this would happen.”

 

Her heart clenched so hard she wondered if she’d been shot after all. God, screw him. He was right, but still, screw all of them. Her body trembled and James’s right arm immediately came around her to steady her. She shoved her face into the crook of his neck.

 

“I can’t be here, James, please,” she mumbled, “There’s blood all over me and I’m less than an inch from being balls deep in hysteria. Get us out of here.”

 

Her voice cracked. She heard something slam against the marble and then she was hefted into his arms.

 

“Barnes—

 

“Leave us the hell alone!” Darcy screamed, desperate to hold herself together just a little bit longer.

 

“Let them go,” Pepper said, no commanded. “He won’t hurt her. Stop it already.”

 

Darcy managed to look back at everyone as James walked them away. Tony jumped out of his suit and ran to Pepper. Jane rushed into Thor’s arms. Steve held his head in his hands. Natasha stared at her, the worry on her face as visible as Darcy’d ever seen it. Clint yanked out his aids. Bruce was squatted near the floor, shoulders heaving. Sam looked unsure where to start to try and put everyone back together.

 

Nice going, Darcy.

 

The elevator closed behind them.

 

She zoned out, and when she came back to herself, she was seated on her toilet. The shower was running, and James was sewing himself up with crude stitches. She blinked, dazedly, and watched him finish.

 

“Shower?” she asked softly.

 

He nodded, and moved to leave.

 

“No,” she whimpered and grabbed at his metal hand. “Come with me.”

 

She needed him in her sight right now.

 

God, they’d almost got him.

 

“Help me take my dress off, I don’t care just—

 

She gasped as he tore with a quick tug, and it fell from her shoulders. She numbly stepped out of it, but kept her undergarments on. James stepped out of his pants and hesitated as he moved to the shirt.

 

“It’s okay,” she whispered.

 

He moved his hand to his shoulder where the scar probably was. It struck her suddenly. She’d never seen his shoulder. He always kept it covered.

 

Oh, James.

 

“I told you, earlier, in the elevator. It’s okay. I’m not running off. You’re not horrifying. I’m not afraid. I watched you kill like, twenty men, and I’m still here. You’re not getting rid of me, James.”

 

His stare was blank. But slowly, _slowly_ , he pulled his shirt off as well. Darcy gently took her hand in his and stepped into the shower. The water was perfect. She needed to hurt a little. To ground herself. Things were still a little too shaky for her regular go to method. The hunger could wait.

 

“Can you make it hotter, JARVIS?”

 

“Certainly, Miss,” he answered softly.

 

She hissed as it steamed up and stared down at the pink water below her feet. James tilted his head back, eyes closed. Neither moved for a long while.

 

“Can I?” she asked, breaking their silence. She stared at the crudely welded seam between flesh and metal. James nodded.

 

She started with the red star, their creepy brand on him as if he were property. Darcy was glad a few more of them were dead. From there, she traced around the plates a bit, working her way up. Her fingers stopped just before the flesh began. She stole a quick look at James. His eyes remained closed.

 

As gentle as she could, she trailed her fingers and crossed over from metal to flesh. James shuddered softly. His mouth parted in a soft gasp. The scar around the metal was a seam of mangled flesh. It was horrid, what they did to him. She could trace the pain all along to where is spread out along his left breast. He panted softly.

 

“Horrifying, ain’t it doll?”

 

She looked up.

 

Bucky.

 

Her jaw trembled, and she threw herself into his arms. “No,” she sobbed out, “Never.”

 

He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his chin into her hair. He could’ve been talking about the scar, or himself, but she couldn’t reassure him just then because the last of her energy went to her near hysterics. Bucky shook around her and he slowly lowered them so they were sat on the tile. She curled up between his legs, laid back on his chest, and cried even harder.

 

There was nothing horrible about him.

 

This was all on her.

 

Just her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Action scenes flow so seamlessly in my head but damn if it doesn't fall apart when I write it down, lmao. 
> 
> As always, thanks for your kind comments, and sticking with this story. I say it all the time, but it means so much.
> 
> All my love to you. <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: mentions of eating disorders

Darcy fell asleep during a lull in her cries. Bucky carefully picked her up and wrapped her in a towel before he set her on the bed. He smoothed her hair back and paused.

 

Yes, they’d just showered together, but still slightly clothed. It wouldn’t be healthy for her to sleep in any type of wet clothes, especially when she was in shock like this. But he didn’t have consent to go any further. Jane and Pepper were out of commission. Someone else then. He observed her for a moment and then took a step back.

 

“JARVIS.”

 

“Yes, Sergeant?”

 

“Can you tell…Natalia to…” he trailed off.

 

“Of course, Sergeant.”

 

Bucky quickly pulled on his torn up jeans. Just for the walk back. He pretended not to notice Natalia slip in. He was sure she knew that he knew though. She stared at him with hard eyes but softened when she turned her gaze to Darcy.

 

“Is she injured?”

 

“Don’t insult me,” Bucky replied roughly. He leaned down and grabbed his shoes and ruined shirt.

 

“I’ll still call Bruce,” she continued on, “Since he didn’t get a chance to look her over.”

 

Bucky didn’t respond.

 

“Have him take a look at you as well.”

 

“Is that an order, Natalia?”

 

She blinked. Her gaze felt like it was taking him apart, piece by piece. He’d never show it, but he was relieved when she turned her attention back to Darcy, climbing into the bed next to her.

 

“A request,” she answered after a moment. “She’ll want to know you’re alright when she wakes up.”

 

“Hm.”

 

Natalia kept her gaze on Darcy’s face. “I want to trust you, Barnes. But when I look at you, I see a little of myself. The part I fight to control.” She turned those piercing eyes on him again. “I know it’s the same for you. That’s why you’re on edge when I’m near her.”

 

For a moment his head burned and he saw the blurred image of a child with striking red hair. He tried to chase the memory but it slipped from him like sand through parted fingers.

 

“People like her with people like us…it always ends in blood. And yet, here we are.”

 

“You can’t make that decision for her. She…she’s not like that. She hates that. You can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. If she wants to be around people like me…people like us…” he trailed off, and tried again. “I am _nothing_ , and she…”

 

Natalia’s gaze turned considering. He’d surprised her.

 

“Yes, she does have that effect, doesn’t she?”

 

Her eyes were softer. Only a little.

 

“JARVIS, could you send Bruce up please?”

 

“Certainly, Miss Romanoff.”

 

Bucky knew a dismissal when he heard one. He left the room. His head still hurt.

 

~

 

The walk back to his apartment was strange. The hallways seemed quieter than they’d ever been. In the elevator, he gingerly pressed against the cut above his brow. Very little blood remained on his fingertips when he checked them. The cut was healing.

 

He lost a bit of time between the rest of the ride and the walk to the apartment door.

 

“You have arrived, Sergeant,” JARVIS said softly.

 

Bucky blinked and opened the door. Steve and Sam were inside.

 

“Buck—

 

“How is Darcy doing?” Sam interrupted.

 

Bucky blinked. “She’s sleeping. Natalia is with her,” he answered instead. His head was starting to hurt very badly. “You say anything to her to make her feel worse and I’ll slit your goddamned throats.”

 

Steve’s jaw dropped. Surprisingly though, Sam nodded in agreement.

 

“We weren’t planning on it. There’s a reason everything went wrong today and there’s no way it’s her fault.”

 

“Sam,” Steve started, but Sam cut him off again, “Sit down, Steve. Bucky, you wanna change into something less…”

 

Bucky stared down at his ruined jeans. Right. He numbly turned and headed down the hallway to his room.

 

Steve started saying something else but Bucky’s ears felt clogged as he made it to his bedroom and sat down. He stared blankly at the wall.

 

A projection showed up on his wall. He blinked again.

 

“Pardon me, Sergeant, but I believe this is something you should see.”

 

It was Sam and Steve, from the kitchen.

 

“Steve, I gotta be real with you. Shut. The hell. Up.” There was something particularly intense in Sam’s tone, enough to have Steve do just that. “What are you going to do, barge into Darcy’s room, shake her awake, and guilt trip her further into her shock induced sleep? Because I’ll let Bucky beat your ass.”

 

Oh.

 

Steve was silent.

 

“She’s a civilian, Steve.”

 

“I know that. I know, I just—

 

“I told you to shut up. Here’s what’s happening. You and I met and I dropped everything willing and ready to follow you to the ends of the earth to save the world and then get your friend back. And I told you it would be hard, and he wouldn’t be the same, and again, that it would be hard. But you plowed on, head first, as always, and somehow always managed to work around my warnings, but hey, we got Bucky back. But like I said, he isn’t the same. Now I’m still here, still willing, and you’re constantly lying to Bucky, and that’s not a good idea. Like I’ve said. So I’m trying to do damage control. Help him on the side. But Bucky knows we’re lying, so I can’t help him.”

 

Sam took a breath. “You have me going on missions, HYDRA raids, all over the world, and all of that is tied into the lying, and Bucky isn’t an idiot, and you’re falling apart, and the top players of the team are saying that I can’t tell Bucky any of this, every group situation we have with Bucky is hostile, and trauma victims, particularly people who have gone through something like Bucky has, react to hostility with hostility, and we have an actual recent mind control survivor disagreeing about the things we’re doing and you completely ignoring him, and now I’m stuck doing damage control.”

 

Sam took another deep breath before he plowed on.

 

“The few moments I have in between missions are perfect for me to try and help but to do that I have to go through all of you because no progress can be made the way things are that won’t be immediately reversed. Damn Steve, I can’t counsel someone while they’re constantly staring down the barrel of a gun.”

 

Steve was silent.

 

“You keep asking me why Bucky is acting the way he’s acting when everyone around him is acting worse! Every moment you have with Bucky turns into a confrontation, and I know it pisses you off that some random civilian you barely know suddenly has something with Bucky that you don’t, but you’re pushing him away. I know something is up. And if it weren’t for all of you constantly ignoring my advice and me halfway around the world all the time then maybe I’d have figured out what the hell was going on with the two of them. I’m really worried, Steve, but there’s no way for me to help Bucky in what is supposed to be the safest place for him while you’re all ready to take the kill shot the moment he blinks.”

 

“Sam—

 

“Yes, it’s clear that Bucky is not okay, and Darcy is not okay. I look at them and all my red flags are going off. I have theories and ideas but I can’t put anything into practice because you’ve helped lock every door. You want my help but you can’t establish me as a person to support them when we’ve done nothing but give reasons to them to mistrust us. I want to help so badly but all my commanding officers are giving me the wrong orders. Bucky and Darcy are giving off the biggest warning signs of a cry for help and it looks like you’re punishing them for it! Mental health isn’t something you can barrel through and tear open with your shield and a gun and a riveting inspiring speech. You move slowly, carefully, gently. You observe. Plan as best as you can. Build up trust.”

 

Sam sighed and rubbed his head tiredly. “I’ve tried being really patient and that was wrong. I should’ve fought fire with fire with you because what happened today is not alright. And you acting this way is not all right. You’re trying to go after a civilian fresh from a HYDRA firefight. You’re trying to go after Bucky fresh from a HYDRA firefight—

 

 

“Nat said that it was the Soldier—

 

“Man you really gotta work on that shutting up thing. When I said shut up I meant shut up! _None_ of your excuses are valid in my eyes, man. Your boy was ambushed with three civilians by an entire squadron of HYDRA assholes and you thought he’d be right in the head directly after that? It’s a classic trauma response, man. Put two and two together. I just said that we’ve done nothing to establish trust so the Soldier or Bucky had every right to come for us too. You’re telling me you’re not riled up after a fight?”

 

“But I know when to trust my friends.”

 

“Key phrase there. _Your friends_. Not Bucky’s. I think I get how Bucky must have felt sometimes, way back when, with you charging headfirst into every little thing and him scrambling after you trying to keep you both together.”

 

Steve was finally, finally, quiet.

 

“I don’t wanna hurt you man but you’re not listening. None of you are listening. The only ones coaxing this big blowup is us. I gotta add myself because in being silent I’ve been complicit. We’re doing your boy a huge disservice. So now here we are, a complete mess. We got a lot to work through. But for anything to get remotely better, you gotta back off man, and let me try and do my thing.”

 

Steve clenched his fists and stared down at the table.

 

“Look at it this way. You spent a bulk of your life pre-serum bedridden, right?”

 

Steve looked up, confused.

 

“So those moments few and far in between, when you were in relatively good health, how did it feel when people kept trying to keep you down? You can’t go out today, Steve, take it easy, you don’t want to get sick again. Don’t do that, Steve. Don’t run so fast, Steve. You can’t eat that, Steve. Finally, after a month or two down with pneumonia or something else that’d almost killed you, you could go out and walk again, but almost everyone around you told you no. How’d that make you feel?”

 

“Trapped,” Steve whispered.

 

Sam stared hard at Steve and willed him to make the connection. Bucky saw when he did, the way he shrank in on himself. He looked small.

 

“JARVIS, shut it off,” Bucky gasped.

 

The screen vanished.

 

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

 

Something, somewhere, in him, vanished. A small weight. He didn’t know.

 

He resumed staring at the wall.

 

The next time he heard Sam’s voice, it was in person. Sam stood in front of him. Bruce was beside him.

 

“Sergeant?” Whatever he said next faded out.

 

The words seemed to flow from Bruce’s mouth at a rate to slow for him to understand. He opened his mouth to respond and clearly by their expressions, they couldn’t understand him either.

 

Instead, Bruce slowly moved forward, telegraphing his motions. His hands pressed softly against the sopping bandage slightly above his waist. He peeled it off, looked it over, applied something else, and re-bandaged it. Next he moved to the cut above his brow. He was speaking in low, soothing tones.

 

Bucky still couldn’t understand. His head felt like it was collapsing on itself.

 

Bruce them hooked both hands under his armpits and hoisted him up into a standing position. His legs barely cooperated. Sam undid his pants and helped him out of them. Together they managed to get him into his bed.

 

They were still speaking to him. His eyes stared at their lips, trying to understand. His eyelids fluttered.

 

_We require rest_ , James mumbled. His voice was disjointed, slurred. _Shutting down._

 

Everything faded out.

 

~

 

“Ugh,” Darcy groaned.

 

She flailed her arm weakly to the side but met resistance.

 

“Ugh,” she moaned again, and forced her eyes open. There was an IV in her arm.

 

Ugh? She turned to her left and startled when she met Natasha’s amused gaze. “Nat?” she asked softly. Her voice sounded like a creature straight from the grave.

 

Bruh.

 

“What’s happening? Why does my mouth taste like something died in there?” Darcy whined.

 

Natasha laughed. “You’ve been asleep for thirty-six hours, my love.”

 

Darcy blanched. “What the hell? What—

 

Natasha reached behind her and produced a bottle of water. She opened it for Darcy who would have complained if she’d had the strength too. Her hands felt as flimsy as rubber gloves. She took a few big sips.

 

“Did I pass out?” she asked worriedly.

 

“Pass out” as in didn’t eat right and her body gave out on her and her secrets were now laid bare to the world. Oh no.

 

“So to speak. You had a rough time.”

 

The memories slammed in to her and for a few moments she was breathless. The wary nervousness had transformed into a terror so visceral she could only gasp. Natasha quickly took the water from her and recapped it before she helped Darcy into a seated position and rubbed her back slowly.

 

“Deep breaths,” she said softly.

 

“Where’s Bucky?” Darcy gasped out.

 

“He’s still asleep,” she answered and gently locked their fingers.

 

“The others?”

 

“They’re as good as they could be. Jane was here a little while ago. Pepper went with Tony to California to get away for a bit. They’re not hurt.”

 

Darcy managed to get her breathing under control. The initial panic was gone. But the guilt?

 

Jesus.

 

Of course, Natasha could basically read her mind.

 

“This wasn’t your fault.”

 

“The hell it wasn’t,” Darcy laughed harshly, “I lead Bucky to them like a lamb to freaking slaughter.”

 

“Maria immediately went to sift through everything that happened in our missions within the past few months as soon as we landed and I joined her after—

 

“After you pointed your weapons at the person who quite literally saved my life. Yeah, I remember that too,” Darcy huffed.

 

Natasha continued on. “ _After_ I grabbed a survivor being held by the police. Putting what I made him tell us together with the intel Maria worked through, it was pretty clear. This was meticulously planned.”

 

Darcy looked down at their clasped hands tiredly. More twists and turns.

 

“All of our raids had something in common: Barnes wasn’t participating. We were careless. They’d originally planned a tower assault after leading us to a faulty base and thus, out of the way. But then they saw you guys leave and quickly planned something else, hence the bar attack.”

 

“They had to know Bruce was still here,” Darcy mumbled.

 

“Human debris. Their main objective was Barnes. He’s all they needed. HYDRA has never minded sacrifices.”

 

Darcy was silent.

 

“My point is, don’t blame yourself. You would have been fighting for your lives regardless. This one is on HYDRA, and us. We should have noticed our patterns were becoming obvious. We won’t make the same mistake. I never wanted you to experience…”

 

She trailed off in an uncharacteristic expression of vulnerability.

 

Darcy squeezed her hand. “I know. Bucky said the same thing. You didn’t want me to see that “dark side” or whatever. But it’s fine. I’m fi—I’ll be fine.”

 

Because she definitely wasn’t fine right now. She hadn’t been fine for years.

 

Natasha laughed. “That’s so like you. To comfort when you’re hurting. And to comfort someone you’re angry with.”

 

Darcy shrugged. “Assholes or not, you’re still my friends. And like, we’re still gonna talk later and I’ll probably curse you out because as much as this sucked, I still stand by what I said.”

 

And she truly meant that, but right now she was a little more focused on the 150 tons of guilt being lifted from her shoulders.

 

“Can you call Bruce to check me out or whatever so I can shower and eat and feel a bit more like a person and less a traumatized ragdoll?”

 

Nat smiled. “Of course.”

 

~

 

Two days later and Bucky was still asleep.

 

Things Darcy did NOT do:

  * Panic
  * Cry
  * Binge
  * Purge



 

Things Darcy DID do:

  * Completely and utterly avoided Captain America
  * Got debriefed. That sucked.
  * Spent an entire day with Jane
  * Spent around four hours chatting about nonsense with Pepper
  * Generally avoiding the team but letting Clint in because it was that or the vents and she’d rather see him spy in person than vaguely feel it
  * Also Clint was cool people’s even if she was annoyed with him
  * Worried incessantly
  * Declined multiple conversations with Sam
  * Had a pool moment
  * Trained poorly with Natasha since she was distracted
  * Stood in a cold shower for one hour
  * Ate…poorly.



 

On day four, she sat up in bed, hella sluggish.

 

“JARV?”

 

“The Sergeant is still unconscious, Miss Lewis,” he told her, unprompted. Because it was the first thing she asked, every morning.

 

“Okay,” she croaked out.

 

Okay. Okay.

 

Not okay.

 

“Guess it’s time to brave the storm, huh?” she asked herself aloud.

 

She hadn’t visited Bucky at all. Mostly because there was a geriatric super soldier sized obstacle in the way. To get to Bucky, she’d encounter Steve.

 

And she really didn’t want that.

 

It was a bit selfish, really, because Bucky probably needed her but like, dealing with Steve on a good day was rough. These were bad days. Very bad days.

 

“Thor, give me strength,” she muttered, hoisting herself out of bed.

 

Whatever. It needed to be done. If she could face down Dark Elves, she could handle this. She brushed her teeth and threw her hair up in a bun before she made her way to Bucky’s floor.

 

“Steve’s there, right?”

 

“Indeed, Miss Lewis. Mr. Wilson as well.”

 

“Of course,” she sighed.

 

Faster than she wanted to be, she was at their door.

 

She knocked.

 

Sam answered.

 

There was a moment of silence. “I gotta be honest, I expected you here way earlier,” he said, breaking the quiet.

 

“Same,” Darcy muttered.

 

He stepped back and let her in.

 

“Sam, who is that?” Steve asked. He appeared around the corner, towel drying his hair and paused when he caught sight of them.

 

“It’s Darcy,” Sam said simply, and woah, that tone was really hostile.

 

She looked back and forth between the two of them.

 

“Miss Lewis,” Steve stated rather than greeted.

 

“Captain America,” Darcy replied in kind.

 

Sam turned his body away from her so she couldn’t see his expression but it must have been a hell of one because Steve’s entire posture changed. His All American Chin of Righteousness lowered.

 

“Have you been well?” he asked.

 

“Sure.”

 

“I spoke with Maria and Natasha. I also had a meeting with the team. I hope you, uh, haven’t been blaming yourself. This wasn’t your fault. And it’s good that you made it back relatively safely.”

 

Darcy put her hands in the front of her hoodie. “Must’ve been disappointing for you.”

 

His eyes widened. “I wouldn’t have—

 

“Can we not lie to each other for like, five seconds?” she interrupted.

 

His lips pressed together. “Miss Lewis, I know we’re not on the best of terms. But I’d never wish harm on you. I’m sorry that I’ve made you think I would.”

 

She shrugged. “Okay. Can I see Bucky now?”

 

His shoulders fell and his expression turned to something extremely unsure, maybe even hurt.

 

“You really think I’d be happy with you injured?”

 

Darcy stared at him for a long time and didn’t answer.

 

“Why don’t you head on to Bucky’s room?” Sam asked softly.

 

Darcy didn’t need to be told twice. She walked past Steve with a confidence she didn’t feel.

 

Yikesville.

 

“Are you starting to see, yet?” she heard Sam ask as she quietly opened Bucky’s door.

 

She didn’t wait for Steve’s answer as she closed it.

 

At this point in time, her focus was entirely on Bucky. He was curled up on his side, but his right arm was positioned above the sheets. There were a few IV’s hooked up to the arm. His breath came slow and steady. She moved closer to him but JARVIS stopped her.

 

“Might I suggest you climb onto the bed on the left side as to not disturb the catheter.”

 

Her jaw dropped. “They catheterized him?” she whispered.

 

Of course they had. It’s been _days_.

 

“Has he woken up at all? Even a little?”

 

“Unfortunately no, Miss Lewis, and attempts to rouse him have failed. Mr. Wilson and Dr. Banner have come to the conclusion that the shock of the trigger words along with the rest of your ordeal completely exhausted him. Coupled with his poor eating habits—

 

She looked up. “Poor eating habits?”

 

JARVIS hesitated for a it longer than she was used to. “You are aware that he still struggles with his food.”

 

“Right. Yeah.”

 

Something vile and unsettling slithered into her mind and she shoved it away. Nope.

 

“That and the Sergeant doesn’t always sleep well. I believe this was well on its way.”

 

Darcy didn’t really know what to say to that. Instead, she climbed in on the left side and got under the covers. She then positioned herself so she could spoon him, only slightly, and wrapped her arm under his left to settle it around his waist.

 

“Bucky, wherever you are, can you come back to us? Please?” she whispered.

 

Aside from the steady rise and fall of his chest, he looked completely lifeless. And really, really sick. There was a soft knock at the door. It wasn’t her room so she didn’t feel like she had the right to let in or refuse any visitors.

 

Sam opened the door and peered inside. “Can I come in?” he asked softly.

 

“S’not my room, so,” she answered, voice muffled by how close her face was to Bucky’s bare back.

 

Sam stepped inside and closed the door behind him. “How are you holding up?”

 

“He’s basically in a coma. How do you think?”

 

Sam sighed.

 

“I’m worried about you. Both of you. I was worried before this, and I’m worried now.”

 

She leaned back and turned slightly to look at him. “I honestly couldn’t tell behind your massive dickish behavior.”

 

Sam nodded in…agreement? What was going on?

 

“Well, that’s going to change. I promise you.”

 

What? What did that mean?

 

Before she could ask, Bucky gave a violent, full body shudder. Darcy gasped and leaned forward. Sam rushed over.

 

“JARVIS, call Bruce!” he yelled.

 

“He’s already been alerted, Mr. Wilson.”

 

“Darcy, give him space!”

 

His arm lurched in a spasm, the plates shifting, and she did as told. If he hurt her in any way, even while unconscious, he’d never forgive himself.

 

“Bucky?” she asked softly. “Wake up. It’s alright, you’re in the tower. You’re safe.”

 

His body arched off the bed for a moment while he seemed to fight something off.

 

“You’re safe, Bucky!” she yelled, and scrambled for more things to say to help him transition from comatose to awake a little less violently. “Your dick hurts because there’s a catheter in it!”

 

Sam burst into hysterical laughter. “Oh my God? But keep going.”

 

“You got us away from HYDRA. Me, Jane, and Pepper are safe. You’re in your bed. I’m in bed with you. You have IV’s in your arm. You’ve been asleep for like three and a half days, I think. It’s raining outside. HYDRA failed. They’ll always fail. You kept us safe. You kept me safe. You kept yourself safe.”

 

His thrashing came to a standstill. They both stared at him.

 

Finally, _finally_ , he opened his eyes.

 

Darcy stared with rapt attention as he gathered his bearings, glimpsing around the room quickly and probably taking stock of his body in the process. Slowly, he sat up and stared blankly in the direction of the closed door in front of them. Then he looked at her.

 

“Hey,” she whispered, unsure of what to do next.

 

His left hand twitched in her direction and she didn’t need any other incentive. She launched herself at him and he wrapped his arms around her as best as he could. If she hadn’t seen him lying still moments ago she wouldn’t believe he’d been unconscious for days. The strength of his embrace was that intense.

 

“You woke up,” she whispered, voice heavy with tears into the crook of his neck.

 

“We heard you call,” he rasped out in return.

 

“We?” she heard Sam ask quietly, and oh crap, that wasn’t good.

 

But whatever. He was awake. He was hugging her.

 

She’d stress about that later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some needed conversations happened, and will continue to happen. Go Sam!
> 
> Love you!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of eating disorders

Darcy was a more than welcome warmth against Bucky’s side as he continued to transition from whatever he’d been the last few days. She reached over and handed him a water bottle sitting at his bedside. He sipped at it. Bruce and Sam’s gazes were assessing but there was something more to the latter’s. Sam was looking further than injury.

 

Bruce broke the silence. “How do you feel?”

 

Not much of anything, but he didn’t need them to know that so he ignored the question.

 

Bruce powered on, used to a variety of reactions. Tony, Clint, and Steve weren’t perfect patients either. “The bullet wound healed as nicely as we expected it to. Your lack of movement contributed to the healing speed but I doubt that would have been a problem regardless. Like Darcy said earlier, we hooked you up to some IV’s and inserted a catheter because you were immobile for a bit. I could take that out for you now if you’d like.”

 

Bucky glanced down at the wire and moved to tug at it. All three of them yelled at the same time.

 

“NO!”

 

“Do NOT do that!”

 

“Jesus Christ Bucky!”

 

He turned to Darcy who’d literally launched herself over his lower to grab his hand.

 

“Remember that thing I always tell you? How whatever the hell twisted-ass stupid-ass bum-ass HYDRA found acceptable wasn’t the way it had to be anymore? Don’t do that. Let Bruce take it out. He’s gentle. Why let it be more painful than it has to be?”

 

On his scale, abrupt catheter removal was pretty low in terms of what counted as painful but he shoved that aside because he didn’t like the look of horror on her face. She rubbed her thumb against his palm and he felt himself calming. When had he started to panic?

 

“Privacy?” Bruce asked, interrupting their little moment.

 

His eyes were green but he looked in control.

 

Bucky looked at Sam.

 

“I can take a hint. I’ll let the others know you’re up.”

 

“By others, he totally means Steve,” Darcy whispered dramatically.

 

Sam rolled his eyes on the way out.

 

“I can go too, if you want?” she whispered.

 

Bucky shook his head.

 

Bruce slipped on a pair of gloves. “I’ll be quick about it. Lay back please.”

 

Darcy took his empty water bottle and gave him some room on the bed.

 

True to their word, it was a fast and gentle process.

 

“All done.” Bruce put it all in a medical waste disposal. “I’ll be on my way then. My only remaining concern is your weight.”

 

Bucky blinked.

 

“You’ve lost a bit and I’m guessing a lot of that has to do with being completely stationary. It’s just a little troubling because you’ve been on the lighter side for while, since you’ve come here. If your stomach can handle it—seeing as you’ve been out for a while—try to up your calorie intake for the next few days and get back into your work out routine. Otherwise your arm will start to really throw you off balance. Maybe a heavy smoothie as a snack between meals, things like that.”

 

Darcy was pointedly staring down at their clasped hands, her other running itself up and down the ridges.

 

“Like I said though,” Bruce continued, “Start off slow so you don’t upset your stomach. Keep that IV in for today, and eat that snack I left for you.

 

Bucky nodded.

 

“Before I go, stand up for me? I want to make sure I’m not missing anything and you don’t topple over.”

 

Bucky slid out of the bed as asked.

 

“Dizziness? Nausea?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“And your arm? Any glitches? Stalling. It’s not my area of expertise but I could let Tony know so he can look it over when he gets back.”

 

The arm was functional. He shook his head again.

 

“Then you’re all set. It’s a simple call if you start noticing any sudden residual effects. I’ll leave you too some time to catch up.”

 

Bruce made a smooth exit.

 

“And then there were two,” Darcy said before she flopped back onto the bed dramatically.

 

Bucky grabbed a pair of sweatpants and slipped them on as he looked her up and down. Her skin was pale, the bags under her eyes pronounced, and there was a slight tremble to her hands from where they rested on her stomach.

 

“Pep and Jane are as okay as they could be, I think. I’m more sure about Janey than Pepper though. She’s still in Malibu with Tony.”

 

Her hands continued to shake. Before he could comment on it, she rolled over to face him.

 

“So, uh, they debriefed me.”

 

Deep conversation like this called for better hygiene. Bucky walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He looked over at Darcy so she knew he was listening.

 

“I’m sure they’ll tell you the same thing but um, HYDRA was planning to attack the tower. To grab you, obviously, but they’d probs try to snag some of Tony’s stuff too, knowing them.”

 

He paused and spit to voice his thoughts. “Pattern,” he mumbled.

 

“Yup,” she confirmed. “They used the fact that most of the heavy hitters went on the raids and left you and Bruce behind. I just happened to pick the most inopportune night of all time to drag you out like a lamb to slaughter.”

 

James arose in a wave of barely contained bloodlust. Bucky frowned and straightened up. “Did Steve tell you that?”

 

He must have looked as angry as he felt because she paled even further and put her hands up.

 

“Woah, no, he didn’t. He was actually not the worst person ever and Nat even explained that this was elaborately planned and they literally improvised the shit out of it so they could ambush us at the club. He’s innocent this time, I swear.”

 

Bucky nodded and moved to his hair next, putting it up so he could wash his face. The shower could wait until after his inevitable debrief. He heard Darcy walk into the bathroom and sit on the edge of the huge tub behind him. After he was finished he threw the towel around his shoulders and leaned against the counter to look at her.

 

“I spoke to him.”

 

“What?”

 

“Told him that it wasn’t your fault and if he told you that I’d slit his goddamn throat.”

 

She looked down at her lap and fiddled with the sleeves of her hoodie. “In those words exactly?”

 

“In those words exactly.”

 

He sat next to her and stared at her from the reflection of the mirror across.

 

She kept her eyes down. “You still wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for me.”

 

“Wouldn’t have thought about it at all if it weren’t for them,” he countered. “’Sides, gotta get out sometime.”

 

Darcy pursed her lips and met his gaze in the mirror. “Stop trying to make me feel better.”

 

He pretended to think about it. “Nah. Sorry doll.”

 

She blushed. “I like it when you call me that,” she admitted softly and leaned against him.

 

His heart began to pound. Seventy years ago he thought he’d say something slick. Something to spread that blush farther than just her cheeks. Now, though…there were all these little moments of hesitation, overthought and…anticipation? Nervousness? He didn’t know.

 

But his heart…it was _pounding_. Just like it did in that elevator, before this mess, when the sight of her lips dizzied him. Or like in the club, when they were dancing and she was grinding against him. The way her ass had felt cupped in his hand.

 

His metal arm registered a touch and he looked to see her tapping against his knuckles from where they rested on the polished glass beneath them.

 

“Do you?” he asked, breaking the silence.

 

Her nails tapped a peculiar rhythm against his metal knuckles. “You can check if you want,” she offered quietly.

 

Bucky turned and hefted one leg over and into the tub so that he was balanced on the ledge a facing her. She mimicked his actions and scooted closer so their knees were touching. Holding her gaze, he gently took her wrist in hand and placed two metal fingers against her pulse point in their familiar routine. Darcy shivered while he took in the readings his arm transmitted.

 

“Your eyes are dilated,” he muttered.

 

“So are yours,” she countered.

 

She licked her lips and averted her gaze. His hand moved to her knee and he mimicked the rhythm she’d been tapping before while he gave her the time she needed to get her thoughts together. It didn’t take long.

 

“Do…do you think that we’re, like, truly not processing things correctly? Like there’s this numbness towards everything happening to us and like, in our heads that shouldn’t be there. I mean obviously it shouldn’t be there, and we know it shouldn’t be there, but it’s still _there_ , and we’re just kind of like…okay? Bucky…I’m pretty sure I helped kill some people. And I feel like I should be horrified, but I’m not, because they were going to try and pull you apart again, and they were going to hurt me too, but I feel weird that I don’t feel bad, or much of anything at all.”

 

His fingers stilled. He thought about the others outside who were undoubtedly waiting to debrief him. Of the thirty-two enemies he’d extinguished, of Darcy and her civilian friends being forced to dirty their hands.

 

Of Steve, trying and failing, of his desperate need for Steve even when things weren’t like they used to be. Of the barely hidden desire for that former closeness, for the brotherhood their shared, for that bond, that when everything had turned to hell around them, they could still confide in each other.

 

Of him not eating like he should. Of that urge to hurt himself, of the satisfaction that filled him when he felt the pain of that forced fullness, and when he emptied himself…that relief.

 

Of how wrong everything was. Of how these were all poorly executed stalling tactics, and that they were failing to truly delve into the depths of their issues. Of how completely and utterly terrified they were.

 

Christ.

 

~

 

 

“Yes,” he finally answered, after she watched him come back from wherever he’d gone.

 

“Yup,” she mumbled in response.

 

Darcy turned so that her back was facing him and pushed herself so that she was settled between his legs, her back leaning against his bare chest. He was a solid wall of warmth behind her. She took his metal hand in hers and laced their fingers together. His other hand came to rest on their clasped hands, thumb rubbing softly at her skin. She took comfort in it all.

 

Confession time.

 

“My high school was more interested in sports than anything else so the bulk of the school budget went to that. Counseling services were super underfunded. We didn’t even have computers. All of my files were on paper, and I snuck them out and shredded them at the end of my senior year…which is why nothing comes up on my file when I’m checked.”

 

His hand dropped from hand to her thigh and she sighed softly.

 

“I haven’t been back to therapy since I graduated high school. Not my best move. She was good for me. Her name was Dr. Mara. She was actually pretty dope and me cutting her off was so wrong but…Culver was sort of a fresh start for me. I just needed something different, and, you know, obviously I got it. With alien gods dropping from the sky and all. So now it’s just basically been me lying or telling half truths to my mom for years. I know she’s worried. I can hear it in her voice whenever we talk on the phone, under all that sass.”

 

She let out a small laugh at that before plowing on. “I’m terrified of opening myself up that deeply to someone who’ll know how to dissect me again. We’re kinda alike in that, right?”

 

She glanced in the mirror to catch him nod.

 

“Sick of people ‘n my head,” he muttered.

 

Of course he was. How could he not be, when they’d torn apart his mind and molded it against him and everything he stood for?

 

“This shit is nuts yo, yet here we are, acknowledging that we’re basically ignoring a hell of a problem, and like, flirting.”

 

She met his eyes in the mirror.

 

“Because that’s what this is, right? Making me blush, checking for my reactions, taking my readings…”she trailed off and used her fingers to trace the outline of his hand against her thigh.

 

Bucky didn’t say anything to confirm or deny and that was kind of okay, honestly. It was a bit of a _question_. She felt his grip tighten around her. He shifted closer and his head came to rest atop hers. She closed her eyes and matched his breathing.

 

It was nice.

 

“Pardon my interruption,” JARVIS sad softly, but it was still abrupt enough to startle them out of that much needed moment of tranquility. “My apologies,” he continued, because Darcy flinched hella strong. “A few of the team are gathered and ready when you are.”

 

Darcy let out a long sigh. “Well,” she mumbled.

 

There really wasn’t anything she could think of to say. He got up first and gave her a hand up. She watched him throw on a shirt and a pair of boots, a little sad to see his muscles go.

 

Bucky then closed his eyes and Darcy watched, entranced, as his entire demeanor shifted in preparation for the ambush they were probably walking into. All signs of that relaxed, open vibe that’d been displayed literally moments ago vanished. In its place was that dark, closed off persona that made lesser men crumble in fear, she was sure.

 

She absentmindedly licked her lips as a shiver went through her body for an entirely different reason.

 

He looked good like this, too. Heat pooled in her lower belly as his eyes dropped to her lips at the action. His metal fingers twitched.

 

“We…we should go,” she mumbled, suddenly breathless.

 

He watched her for a moment longer before he moved to open the door and gestured to walk ahead. Darcy kept her eyes on her chipping toe polish as they moved down the hallway before she came upon the open space of the kitchen and living room.

 

Steve looked up from his StarkPad and zeroed in on Bucky, but instead of saying anything, he glanced at Sam who shook his head. Maria jumped down from where she was seated on the counter. Nat was sitting on the couch and Clint lounged beside her.

 

Huh.

 

~

 

 

Bucky took in the informal setting around him.

 

What was this, then?

 

“You feel like sitting or standing?” Sam asked, interrupting his observation.

 

Bucky stared at him blankly. Darcy hesitated before she found a seat on an empty stool and his her shaking hands under her sweater. She looked around nervously.

 

“Whatever’s comfortable, you do,” Sam continued.

 

This was very deliberate. He thought back to the long talk JARVIS had showed him, when Sam and told Steve off and mentioned things needing to change.

 

That simple then?

 

James bubbled under the surface as their blood burned with a sudden need for rebellion.

 

Do whatever’s comfortable, he said?

 

Hm.

 

Hill chose this moment to start.

 

“Explain what happened when you were approached by the HYDRA operative.”

 

Instead of answering, Bucky grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and opened it. He then proceeded to dump the entire thing out onto the floor. Her heard Darcy’s sharp inhale but kept his focus on Sam, who had to be the main one behind this new approach.

 

“This makes me comfortable,” he said softly.

 

They prepared themselves for punishment.

 

“That’s fine,” Sam said instead.

 

He tossed the bottle behind him and went to a cupboard, removing a glass. He held it out and dropped it.

 

Darcy flinched at the sound as it shattered. Bucky’s eyes remained on Sam.

 

“That’s fine too.”

 

After a moment, Bucky blinked and answered Maria. “She was dressed as a civilian. She spoke to me when she was close enough to be heard.”

 

“What did she say?” Hill continued, unhesitant once he was forthcoming.

 

“Trigger word.”

 

“Are you able to repeat it.”

 

He thought for a moment. “No.”

 

“Could it be used again?”

 

“Dunno,” he said, switching the vernacular, curious.

 

She didn’t respond.

 

“Are there more?” Natalia asked from where she peered over the edge of the couch.

 

Bucky walked over to a potted plant nestled in the corner by one of the huge floor to ceiling windows and plucked off all the leaves, one by one. His head burned as he focused on the task.

 

“Yes,” he finally answered.

 

“Did you always know they existed?”

 

The more he thought about the words, the worse he began to felt. Bucky crouched and began to pull the leaves on the floor apart.

 

“Switch it up,” Sam interrupted suddenly.

 

Miraculously enough, she did. Gradually he found himself starting to…almost relax. Never 100%. That wasn’t possible for him. Not anymore.

 

No.

 

That was a lie.

 

With her he could.

 

“Pardon me. Doctor Banner is once again requesting access,” JARVIS said softly.

 

“Sure,” answered Sam.

 

Bruce stepped in and immediately looked in Bucky’s direction.

 

“In the interests of my patient, now’s a good place to stop, don’t you think?”

 

“I agree,” Sam said.

 

He leaned back and stretched. “I know it’s my time to cook but I’ll do that tomorrow. Let’s order something. Pizza?”

 

“I want Thai,” demanded Natalia.

 

“Thai it is,” Sam relented with a laugh.

 

Bucky blinked. It was over, just like that?

 

Clint yawned obnoxiously and turned their tv on while Hill grabbed her files and made a quick exit.

 

Bruce walked over and kept a good distance between them. Bucky stood up to face him.

 

“Did you want to order something else? Thai might be rough on your stomach.”

 

“S’fine,” he mumbled with a small shrug.

 

Rough on his stomach or not, he’d just throw it up anyway.

 

…

 

Shit.

 

He glanced over at Darcy who’d moved closer to Sam and was whispering furiously. Steve looked back and forth from where he sat between them, his entire demeanor subdued.

 

His stomach clenched uncomfortably, thoughts warring with the instinct to comfort Steve and the satisfaction at him finally looking deeper within himself and slowly understanding the problems he’d helped cause.

 

“I’d take this meal easy just in case before you move on to the new diet,” Bruce continued, like Bucky hadn’t zoned out.

 

Courteous.

 

His stomach pained him again, this time at the thought of his noticed weight loss. If he didn’t up his calorie intake and keep it all down, Bruce would notice if he didn’t gain some of the weight back. He was already lucky that the doctor assumed this was all due to him being unconscious for so long.

 

The thought of keeping all that food when he didn’t deserve it…

 

“Okay,” he answered, forcing those thoughts away.

 

Bucky looked away from Bruce to return to his crouched position. His flesh hand gently pushed the leaves around the floor as he focused to hear what was going on between Darcy and Sam.

 

“…only gets you like, five cool points against like, negative a thousand.”

 

“I get that,” Sam replied.

 

“Do you really? Do you really know how much crap you have to make up for?”

 

“I can only make up for the wrongs I know I committed. It’s hard without all the facts, especially when it’s clear I’m missing some things.”

 

Bucky glanced in their direction. Steve was looking directly at him. People always forgot how excelled his hearing was. Steve knew, though.

 

“Look Darcy, I only want to help. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Clearly I’ve done an ass job so I’m switching things up and ‘m letting everyone know and understand how much we can’t let this behavior continue. But that can only get me so far. I also really need you to work with me, both of you. Without your cooperation, how much of an impact can I really make?”

 

Bucky stood up again after she was didn’t answer.

 

Steve was still staring.

 

He walked over to Darcy and held out his hand. Without looking up, she placed her hand in his and he helped her to her feet. Without speaking to anyone, the both of them made their way back into his room. He needed to be away from that. He could unpack all that had happened later.

 

Once the door was shut, both of them sagged in relief.

 

It still took him aback, that he allowed these moments of weakness to be visible to anyone.

 

But Darcy wasn’t just anyone, was she?

 

She threw herself on his bed and he was struck with the sudden image of his body atop hers. He blinked and took a deep breath, unable to take his eyes off of her.

 

 

~

 

Darcy moaned softly. It was stressful because Sam was right.

 

At some point, he, trained for situations like this, would correct all his mistakes. And then the ball really would be in their court.

 

It’d be a huge damn lie to say that wasn’t terrifying.

 

She sat up only to gasp as Bucky was suddenly right in front of her. Naturally, she hadn’t heard him advance. He was sneaky like that, super assassin and all, but then he was standing between her thighs at the edge of the bed. She looked up, wide eyed, and watched as he leaned down, gently cupping the back of her head as he did so, and pressed a delicate kiss at the edge of her mouth.

 

OhhhhhhmyGooooooood?????????

 

His lips lingered for a moment before he released her and leaned back to look at her. Her eyes fluttered shut as he moved some wayward strands back behind her ear.

 

So that was a yes, to the flirting then.

 

Okay.

 

OKAY!

 

She was totally cool with that.

 

“I’m gonna shower,” he said, voice raspier than she’d ever heard it.

 

She opened her eyes as he moved away from her.

 

“Sounds gool. Uh, good. Cool.”

 

His eyes were bright. He was laughing at her.

 

Darcy watched him walk into the bathroom and gently close the door behind him. She flopped back against the bed and bit her lip, hard. Her heart was pounding. She laughed and covered her face, kicking her legs.

 

Holy soft lips, Batman.

 

~

 

In the bathroom, Bucky braced the counter and stared at his reflection with wide eyes.

 

He licked his lips and replayed the moment, so delightfully fresh in his mind. That was a completely unplanned, bold move on his part and his mind was reeling. The feel of her skin against his lips. The look in her eyes when he’d moved back. Such a small taste.

 

Christ.

 

He wanted more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you all! Thank you so much for sticking with me thus far!!! I H A D to give you guys something before the knew year. Gosh. So, where've I been?
> 
> Welllll...
> 
> I was completely disrespected at my job of three years so I quit, lol, went on vacation, got my phone stolen >.>, got a new job, read like 20 books, and started writing this story in a journal every time inspiration struck so I could finally get y'all this new chapter.
> 
> I 100% have not given up on this story lol. I'm just really focused on planning it so I can give you guys what you deserve.
> 
> Anyway, enough of my dramatics.
> 
> DARCY AND BUCKY, SITTING IN A TREE, ALMOST K-I-S-S-I-N-G! 
> 
> What do you guys think of Sam's approach to the debrief? 
> 
> Happy New Year and I love you!


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